Constructive Words to Use With Your Kids

We all know, yelling does not help. We gain more cooperation by talking respectfully and calmly to our kids, thereby maintaining their dignity.

But I find myself often at a loss for words, and kept repeating the same things that sounded like a broken record at best, or yelling at worst.

Here are some practical language I have gathered from various sources to help myself. I hope it will help you too. I will return to this post to update it.

Accept & Affirm...

- Say, “You did it! And you were careful!”

- Say, “I’m so happy to see you. I missed you!” Big hug, big smile.

- Say, “Welcome home. It’s nice to have the family all together.”

- Say, “J, because you were so good in the store today, Mom will buy you a special treat.”

- Say, “Great job catching the ball, J. I can see how much your practice has helped you.”

- Say, “J, I’m listening to you play the piano. I can hear how much you have improved over last week by just adding 5 minutes more to your practice time.”

- Say, “What a good job of staying in the lines, J.”

- Say, "Great! Now that you've set the table, we can all eat right away. And I know everybody's hungry!"

- Say, "Tell me about your drawing. I see that you like purple"

- Say, “I see red, blue and yellow! Can you tell me about your picture?” instead of saying "What a beautiful picture!"

- Say, "You're right, Maria does read well. And you're a great singer."

- Say, "I believe in you. I see your effort. Keep going!"

- Say, "I love you, no matter who you are or what you do."

- Say, "You made your bed without being asked — that's terrific!"

- Say, "I was watching you play with your sister and you were very patient."

- Say, "You really tried hard on that!" instead of saying, "Good job!" focus on the effort rather than the result.

- Say, “I really like it when you cooperate!” instead of "good boy."

- Say, “I saw you share your toy with your friend.”

- Say, “Wow you really tried hard on that!” instead of "You're so clever!"

Say in Positives...

- Say, "Kris, when I throw the ball, I want you to take your front foot, your right foot and step forward – move it towards me when you swing." instead of "Don’t bail out."

- Say, "See how carefully you can carry your cereal to the table" instead of saying "Don’t spill your cereal on your way to the table."

- Say, "You're trying very hard and you almost have it!" instead of "Not like that. Let me show you."

- Say, "You've done a really good job cleaning up. I try to fold my shirts instead of crumpling them up on the shelf, though. That keeps them from getting wrinkled."

- Say, "The math facts need to be memorized, how shall we work together to make this happen over the next two weeks?"

- Say, "Obey Mommy and stay in bed." instead of "Don't get out of bed."

- Say, "You need to show kindness to your sister." instead of "Don't hit your sister."

- Say, "You need to learn to become a good listener." instead of "Don't talk so much."

- Say, "Chew quietly with your mouth closed." instead of "Don't chew with your mouth open."

- Say, "Be responsible and clean up after yourself." instead of "Don't leave a mess for everyone else to clean up."

Guide Child Towards Helpfulness...

- Say, “It would if helpful if you…

• brought your dishes to the dishwasher.”
• took out the trash now.”
• kept your hands in your pockets."
• put your feet underneath your desk.”

- Add, “Will you do that now?”

- Say, “Remember a few months ago when you helped me take out the trash? That was such a big help. Thanks!” instead of "If you do 'x', then I'll give you 'y'", then allow your child to come to the conclusion that helping out is fun and intrinsically rewarding.

Give a Challenge...

- Say, "I bet you can't put the silverware away before I put the glasses away."

Play Let's Pretend...

- Say, "Okay, let's pretend this is an empty bowl from breakfast. What can we do with it? We can...put it on our heads! Is that a good idea? No. Okay, we can...throw it in the bathtub! No? Okay, we can...put it in the sink!"

Use Descriptive Language...

- Say, “Shoes belong in the closet. You need to put your shoes in the closet.”

- Say, “Your dishes go in the dishwater when you leave the table. You need to put your dishes in the dishwasher when you leave the table.”

- Say, “Your coat and lunch box belong to your cubby. You need to put your coat and lunch box in your cubby now.”

- Say, “You need a pencil to do your work.”

- Say, “Go back outside. Good, now come back in, and hang the coat up when you come in.” Cheer when he does it.

Highlight the Carrot...

- Say, "Sure I want to take you to the park. But remember, first we need to clean up after lunch."

- Say, "Remember, you always feed the dog right before we set the table."

- Say, "Grandma's rule says when you've put your clothes away, then you can go outside."

- Say, "We'll start as soon as you're done with homework/done with chores/done picking up your toys."

Ask Questions...

- Ask, "What will you need in your backpack tomorrow at school?"

- Ask, "What equipment will you need to have at your swim class this afternoon?"

- Say, "Tell me all about what you did at school, and then when you're finished I'll need to make our dinner."

Use I-messages...

- Say, “I am annoyed when I have to wait for your in the morning and leave after 7:45 because I need to get to work on time.”

- Say, “I am afraid when you climb so high.”

- Say, “We are going to the museum tomorrow. I’d like us to decide what special rules we’ll need to prevent any problems.”

- Say, “When I find paints spilled on the table, I am irritated, because I have to spend my time to clean it up.”

- Say, “I am uncomfortable with the noise level in this room.” Instead of, “Be quiet!” (command)

- Say, “I worry when you don’t come home on time. I’d like you to call me when you’re going to be late so I don’t worry about you.”

Providing Alternatives...

- Say, “Walls are not for drawing. Would you rather draw on the plain paper or on the colored paper?”

- Say, “I am uncomfortable with rudeness. Rephrase and speak respectfully or take a moment and calm down and then talk to me.”

- Say, “What you said was disrespectful. Disrespectful will not work. Do you want to start again respectfully or would you rather take some time to calm down before you talk to me.”

- Say, “What you said was disrespectful. Disrespectful is absolutely unacceptable. Do you want to start again respectfully or would you rather take some time to calm down before you talk to me.”

- Say, “You may not ride your bike on the busy street, because it is dangerous. Would you rather ride it on the driveway or on the back porch?”

- Say, “Streets are for cars. Would you rather ride it on the driveway or on the back porch?”

- Say, “Streets are dangerous for children and bikes. Would you rather ride it on the driveway or on the back porch?”

- Say, “Lunches don’t belong on the floor. You may put it in your cubby or in your backpack.”

- Say, “It’s important to turn in all of your homework. You can turn in your Social Studies page 12 assignment by 3:00 tomorrow or go to ZAP (Zeros Aren’t Permitted program) on Wednesday.”

- Say, “It’s NOT OK to hit your brother. He could get hurt or he could get angry and hurt you. If you’d like something to hit, you may hit a pillow, the couch or the mattress.” instead of threatening "Stop it right now, or else..."

Establish "Grandma's" Rules, Policies & Responsibilities...

- Ask, “Who can tell me the rules for the store?”

- Say, "Grandma's rule says when you've done what you have to do, then you get to do what you want to do."

- Say “The policy is…

• everyone makes his bed in the morning.”
• everyone who brought a jacket wears it outside to play.”
• no food in the classroom except during celebrations and special projects.”

- Say, “The rule is…

• he who makes the mess, cleans it up.”
• if you play, you help pick up.”
• raise your hand and be called on before speaking.”

- Say “It is your responsibility to…

• feed the dog.”
• pick up the dress-up clothes when you are finished playing.”
• put your cup in the trash when you’re done with lunch.”
• turn your work in on time.”
• make sure your homework gets finished and is returned to me on time.”
• ask for make-up work after you have been absent.”
• leave petrol in the car after you’ve used it.”

- Say “You don’t have the right to…

• speak disrespectfully to me or anyone.”
• hit your brother.”
• hurt anyone in this class with your hands or your words.”

When handling Anger...

- Say, “When you throw the scissors, I am scared and furious, because someone could get seriously hurt. I expect you to ask for permission before you use the scissors.”

- Say, “When you continue to shout your question, I am irritated, because others need a turn too. It is important that you let others speak.”

-Say, “When you continue to shout your question, I am frustrated, because everyone’s learning is disrupted. I expect you to raise your hand and wait to be called.

- Say, “When you continue to shout your question, I am frustrated, because everyone’s learning is disrupted. You do not have the right to disrupt others’ learning.

- Say, “Kris is talking a lot in class. I am concerned that he is disturbing the other children and that he is not learning all he can.”

- Say, "Pushing Nina isn't nice. It can hurt. Please don't push."

- Say, “Were you feeling frustrated because your friends weren’t listening to your idea?” instead of "Why did you do that?"

Before Punishment...

- Say: “J, in your hurry, you are forgetting that your bike could be stolen or ruined if left outside. To help to remind you, I will hang on to it for 2 days.”

After Punishment/Consequence...

- Say, “It was a long day and a tough lesson, but you learned it. It takes a lot of courage to learn from a mistake.”

- Say, "I'm sorry you're cold — how can you remember to bring your towel next time?"

When Kids Refuse to share...

- Say: “If Amy doesn’t want to share with you, that’s fine. God wants sharing to come from our hearts or it is not real sharing.”

Give Reminders...

- Say, “J, Auntie A is coming over for lunch today. Be sure to say hello to her when she comes in. That would be very respectful.

- Say, “J, remember there is to be no running in the church. That is where we worship God.”

- Say, “J, Mom is going to give you a warning: do not play with grandpa’s office doors.”

- Say, “If you are not ready by 8.30am, you will not go to XXX today.”

Tackling Whinning...

- Say, “J, I want you to listen carefully to Mom’s instruction and think before you respond. There is to be no whining.”

- Say, “J, repeat after me; ‘Yes Mommy, no whining.’”

Handling Bad Talk...

- Say, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”

Verbalize Your Child's Feelings

- Try holding space for your child as he cries and say, “It’s OK to cry. Everyone needs to cry sometimes. I’ll be right here to listen to you.” instead of "Don't cry"

- Say, “You’re really disappointed that we can’t go to the park right now, huh?”

- Say, “I know you really want to have a play date with Sarah this weekend and we’ll do our best to make that happen. Please remember that sometimes unexpected things come up, so I can’t guarantee that it will happen this weekend.” instead of "I promise..."

- Say, "I can tell that you are upset with me. Let's talk about how I have hurted and angered you. I need to seek your forgiveness."

Saying No to Your Child

- Say, “I know you really wanted to do that, but it’s not going to work out for today,”

- Say, “I’m sorry you’re disappointed and the answer is no”.

Show Appreciation...

- Say, "Thanks for hanging up your coat!"

- Say, "It's so helpful when you share with your baby sister!"

References:
- Discipline for Life
- Growing Kids God's Way
- How to Say it to Your Kids?
- http://www.babycenter.com/0_the-responsible-child-how-to-teach-responsibility_67165.bc
- http://www.choresandchecklists.com/family-fun.html
- http://sg.theasianparent.com/10-things-parents-should-never-say-to-their-kids-for-better-foundation/
- Love & Respect in the Family by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

Wisdom From Other Blogs: The Pain of Discipline

Although it is true that we should choose our battle wisely, the opposite is also true and I quote from Ingspirations:

"Sometimes, the easier way out is to close an eye on misbehaviours and give in. But real love does not allow us to do that. After each episode of discipline (especially with Isaac lately), I always ask myself or my husband, “Have we done the right thing?”

How true! I can so identify with it!

You can read the her full post here:

http://ingspirations.com/2010/03/19/the-pain-of-discipline/

Disciplined and Sturctured Environment and Its Influence on Creativity

Disciplined and Sturctured Environment and Its Influence on Creativity: A Documentary Comparing the Chinese and the Danish Education System

I believe in cultivating the good habit of doing homework at a young age, in the same manner as what many child development experts advocate parens to cultivate the love for reading right from the start by reading to children when they are babies.

I believe in making learning fun. However, no matter how one tries to make learning fun… one will reach a stage where it will require time, effort and determination to internalize learning, even for the smartest person. The challenge is how to guide your child to cultivate the ability to focus, to have the self-motivation and determination to learn so as to internalize learning.

Thus, I believe in cultivating discipline. And discipline should be cultivated at a young age. This means providing a structure to your child’s daily routine.

I have been warned by some people that my emphasis with J on learning and doing homework at a young age will kill a child’s creativity, love for learning and childhood. It does fill me with insecurity from time-to-time whether I am doing the right thing.

Deep down, my hypothesis is that I don’t think so it will kill a child’s creativity. One will need to be structured in order to create. One will need to have sufficient knowledge in order to create. There could be exceptions/outliers which fall out of the bell curve.

My belieft is based on the following:

1. God

I look at God. The Bible mentions that God is a God of order. The amazingly beautiful and creative universe that God created is one that is filled with logic and very systematic. God completed His creation in 7 days, each step building on top of the previous step. This shows an orderly method and process in creativity.

2. Chinese Educational System

The Asian way of rote-learning has long been critisized. I pesonally do not think that rote learning should be the way to go, but some parts of it are unavoidable. Learning language for example, there are aspects of the Chinese grammar, Danish grammar, English grammar and French grammar (and many other languages which I am not familiar with too) which cannot be explained, but simply to learn by heart. And of course, it is not sufficient just to learn it by heart, one needs to practice it.

However, the Asian way of learning is more than rote-learning. The Chinese and Singaporean curriculum are much larger than the Danish curriculum. In order words, the average Chinese and Singaporean student come out having learned a lot more than the Danish student after 9 years of education. However, in Denmark, the emphasis is on mastering the process of learning, not the "amount" of learning, which Singapore is working on improving.

Which is showing a better results?

First, we looked at the PISA results which showed the Asian students having higher scores.

Next, we ook at a comparison of the education system of China and Denmark, which was recently done by the Danish Broadcasting, and the documentary shown on 6th May 2013, consisting of a series of 4 documentaries.

The team followed and compared a typical and average class of Secondary 4 (14 years old) Chinese students from China and a class of Secondary 4 (15-16 years old) Danish students in Denmark in 4 areas: Reading, Mathematics, Team Work & Creativity and English.

The Chinese and Danish students were given the same test papers. The class size of the Chinese is 54 students. The Danish class is about the same size (combining two classes of 25+/- students each).

The Results

The Chinese did better especially in Mathematics by a strong margin and interestingly also markedly better in Team Work & Creativity, which was traditionally viewed as a strength of Danes. The Danes did better in English by a strong margin.

In the measure for creativity, the only student singled out with the ability to think out-of-the-box is surprisingly a Chinese student, who is rated as in a special class of creativity. This is interesting, considering that he is a product of a highly structured and disciplined schooling system.



A special class of creativity that show thinking out-of-the-box drawn by a Chinese student assessed by a Danish Expert

The Chinese schooling system is characterized by the following:

- Highly disciplined
- Highly structured
- Highly organized curriculum
- Long schooling hours (12 hours a day)
- Lots of homework

The Chinese students exhibited the following traits as can be seen from the video:

- Highly ambitious
- Highly self-motivated
- Highly respectful to teachers and authority.

The Danish schooling system is characterized by the following:

- Highly child-led: i.e. the child decide what he/she wants to do (you see many of the boys choosing to play with their computers during class instead and the teacher actually allowed it!)
- Laizze-faire
- High degree of freedom
- Short schooling hours (6 hours a day)
- Little homework

The Danish students exhibited the following traits as can be seen from the video:

- Lack of drive and ambition
- Lack of self-motivation
- Lack of respectful to teachers and authority (or may I say rude, coming and going as they wish, not following the class and disruptive)

Although it is a small sample size, it may not be conclusive, but it does provide some data.

From this research, I am convinced that discipline, homework and structure will not in anyway hinder creativity. I am thus less insecure in my beliefs now.

Videos of the Danish Documentaries

Video on Team Work and Creativity:

Here is the video of the documentary, but unfortunately, it is in Danish. However, you can get a feel of the culture of the Chinese class and the Danish class, and see the difference in the behaviour of the students in both classes.

For the Singaporean audience, please note that this video is RA rated because of the following:

In the test for creativity, the students were shown two circles and asked to use their imagination to create based on the two circles. The Danish students did not do as well in creativity measurement, but where the Danish students excel in creativity, they were mainly expressed towards sex. This is shown in the video (Could this be the result of exposure to pronography in the Danish society at a young age?)

http://www.dr.dk/tv/se/dr1-dokumentaren/9-z-mod-kina-3-4

Video on Reading:

http://www.dr.dk/tv/se/9-z-mod-kina/dr1-dokumentaren-9-z-mod-kina-1-4

Video on Mathemtics:

http://www.dr.dk/tv/se/9-z-mod-kina/dr1-dokumentaren-9-z-mod-kina-2-4

Video on English:

http://www.dr.dk/tv/se/9-z-mod-kina/9-z-mod-kina-4-4


My After-Thought

What I take away from this documentary is that discipline, structure and homework is a vital part for learning, for learning to be effective; and that I don't have to worry so much that it will kill the child's creativity. For the more knowledgeable one is, the more one can draw from one’s wealth of knowledge and experience, when creating and innovating.

Will I follow the Chinese way?

I will cherry-pick, but not following fully the Chinese way. It produces results – excellent results in fact, but it takes away a child’s childhood. There is no time for play. It is a high price to pay. This could perhaps explain why China has such a high rate of suicide. Success does come with a price, and may not always bring your true joy. It is important to lead a balance life. I think China realizes that and is working towards it.

I will try to incorporate the Danish's emphasis on giving a child a fun and relaxed childhood with the Asian way of incorporating discipline, structure and a culture of doing homework in bringing up a child (or should I say the traditional way, since many modern Asian moms are moving away from this so-called "Asian" approach).

Thus, I will continue to pursue our School Time with homework with J.

Balance

The important thing is to have a good balance, which is a major challenge.

And I need wisdom to know how to strike a good balance.

Not just any wisdom. I need God's wisdom. For at times, I cannot see my own blindspots, swinging towards two extremes - being too lenient and too strict. It comes with getting down on my knees and pray. In our journey of parenting, we do not walk alone. God walks along with us, if only we let Him. If only I let Him! But in a time-pressed modern life, I often have neglected this area of my life. So I should remember to get down on my knees and pray for wisdom in our parenting journey.

What to Do If Your Child Exhibits Total Defiance in Public?

I mentioned in my earlier post that J (2Y4M10D) was in total defiance when we were at IKEA last Friday. He threw a tantrum, and insisted that he wanted to go to the play area. I have been doing some self-reflection. I have been thinking about what we could do better, if we encounter similar IKEA situation again in the future (which I am sure would happen again!)

I found some good advice from Chronicles of the Babywise Mom, which I intend to follow. The original post is here.

A. Before the outing, we will do the following:

1. Give Pre-Outing Warning

Next time we will warn J in advance by saying, "J, we are going to IKEA, and we will not be going to the play area. I do not want you to throw a tantrum. Say Yes Mommy." Wait for response. "While we are in the store, are you going to ask to play at the play area?" Wait for response. Then explain the consequence if he doesn't obey. "If you insist to play at the play area, then next time you don't get to come with the store with us. Mommy will go to the store alone."

2. Practice

Before leaving the house to the store, practice how to leave the store when it's time without crying.

B. During the outing, we will do the following:

1. Give Advance Notice

Give your child 10 minutes at the play area, but tell him that he only has 10 minutes, and he has to leave, when the time is up. Tell him that you do not want to see any tantrum or crying, when it is time to leave. Ask him what is the last thing he wants to play with. He may choose to go down the slide one last time and then it is done.

2. Expect a “Yes, Mommy” Reply

Ask your child to look into your eyes and say “yes, mommy”.

C. When it is time to leave and he throws a tantrum, we will do the following:

1. Stay Calm

Act like you don’t care. Don’t shout at him and don’t give him any attention.

2. Carry Your Child to a Quiet Spot

Don’t reprimand your child in front of everyone in a crowded place. Respect his dignity. Calmly carry him struggling all with all your might to a quiet spot with more privacy. Then tell him, “J, you need to stop throwing your fit right now.”

3. Show Smpathy, but DON'T be Swayed

Tell your child, “J, I know you are sad, because you want to go to the play area, but we need to go and shop for some stuff now. It is fine to be sad, but that doesn't mean you can or should throw a fit.” Don’t give in, otherwise the victorious look on J’s face would repeat itself again.

4. Tell Your Child to Stop

Tell your child what he can’t be doing, what will happen if he keeps doing it, etc. “J, if you can't stop, we are going to leave and go sit in the car." Keep a nice, calm voice throughout.

5. Leave Immediately

If your child continues to throw tantrum, LEAVE. Don’t give any threat you will not follow through on. Don’t give in to him and let him have the victory. This will show your child that his tantrum will not be accepted under any circumstance. If you are somewhere you can't fully leave (i.e. church) or if your child is throwing a fit in order to leave, go somewhere you can "leave to" like a hall, and then keep the location very dull. Don’t allow him any toys, but make him sit still with his arms folded.

6. Time-Out

Give a time-out immediately when you get home while the incident is still fresh in your child's mind. Using a timer, tell your child, "J, you were badly behaved just now. Now you are going to get a time out for 3 minutes. You need to stay in the crib until the timer goes".

7. Withdraw Privilege

If your child does throw a tantrum again at the store, don’t bring him to the store anymore. Go to the store yourself, and before doing so, make sure that you say good bye to your child, so that he knows that you are going to the store. Tell him that you are going to the store, and that he has to stay home with Daddy, because he could not behave well to obey your instructions the last time he was at the store with you.

Additional Information:
I have been concentrating on implementing Montessori activities for J, because I believe that it would aid his intellectual development, and because I derive so much fun and satisfaction planning and doing all these activities with J. But what good is intellectual development, if moral development is lacking behind?

Learning to count from 1-10 will not make J kinder, more self-controlled, or easier to manage. When it comes to parenting a child’s heart, I am treading on very inexperienced ground, and it is high time I take a break from Montessori activities to improve my ability in this area. This area is very challenging for me, and I will need a lot of prayer for God’s wisdom.

I intend to cut down a little on Montessori activities (if I can control myself!) and scale up on parenting the child’s heart.

Consistent Discipline - How to Show it to Your Child?

Reproduced from http://www.thestayathomemissionary.com/2010/05/practical-vision-for-young-moms_10.html These are not my own words.

Consistent Discipline - Number two of the three C's.

1. Train your children while they are young

The Bible says in Proverbs 22:6:

"Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it."

Yes, it will require a LOT of time and consistency on your part, but I will promise you that you will not regret it as they grow older. My oldest is almost 10 and I am now reaping the benefits of my (very) hard work in the beginning.

2. Teach your children first time obedience

Teach your children to obey right away, all the way, and with a happy heart. If you start teaching your kids that you expect them to obey the first time you say something, it may take some time, but they can learn to do it.

3. Consistency, Consistency, Consistency

It isn't easy to be consistent, but I truly believe that it is the one thing that is missing in so many scenarios where the child is unmanageable. Notice I didn't say every, but I did say many. Many of our headaches and trials as moms could be avoided if we would say what we mean and mean what we say, and then follow through on what we said. This takes discipline on the mother's part, and it's hard, I know. When you are exhausted it is easy to let one little disobedience or negative attitude slide. I understand. But, pray for the strength to get up one more time, to reinforce one more time, to be consistent one more time.

4. Reach their heart, not just their behavior

Don't settle for outward behavior, but as much as you are able, seek to draw out the why's of your child's disobedience. Connect your heart to theirs, seek to understand them, give them grace, and train them in the way they should go. Love them in the midst of training and discipline!

5. Speak God's Word into them

Scripture is useful for all things, so get those Bible verses into your child's head and heart from a young age!

Things like,
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths....
Be kind and gentle towards one another....
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.....

6. Pray with them and pray over them

Prayer is an often untapped weapon that we have as mommies. Show your kids the power of prayer, specifically as it pertains to their lives!

Some of my favorite resources on training children/discipline/reaching their hearts:

Shepherding a Child's Heart by Ted Tripp

Don't Make Me Count to Three by Ginger Plowman (excellent!)

Wise Words for Moms also by Ginger Plowman (a calendar-like chart with offenses, heart questions to ask and Scripture to help teach and train)

Making a Peace Place: Godly Anger Management for Children an amazing post by Ann Voskamp, one I use and has revolutionized my parenting!

18 Kids and Counting by Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar - lots of great advice sprinkled throughout this book! If they can do it with strength and grace with 18, now 19 kids, then I certainly can with 5!!

Useful Links:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I1wojtOxz_4

How to encourage lights-off at bed-time?

Use glow-in-the-dark stickers to make lights-off fun.

J always protests when it is time for lights-off at bed-time. To make it exciting for him to look forward to lights-off, we put up glow-in-the-dark stickers on the ceiling above his crib.

Actually it was my mum who bought the stickers from Singapore and brought it to Copenhagen for us, when J was born. I am so thankful to my mum for it, and I can't wait to tell it to her, "mum, I have implemented your idea." She would be very pleased that I have remembered to put them to use :-) Years from now, I hope that J would remember this, that the stickers were from his granny.

 

Glow-in-the-dark stickers are also sold in Denmark in BR Toy Shops.

 

The novelty of this solution would wear off, but it would still provide a cozy time during lights-off time at bed-time.

 

Note:

I won't suggest this for babies, as I think it would most likely be disruptive to their sleep.

These glow in the dark stickers are also available from Amazon:

How to effectively encourage good behaviour in your toddler?

One very effective method is to PRAY with the child

I realize that J is paying more attention whenever we pray in the morning to say grace for breakfast, lunch and dinner and at bed-time. This is because the audience is not just God alone, but J too. J is very eager to hear what good things we have to say about him. I notice that J would smile whenever he hears me mentioning good things about him in the prayer. It is funny and very rewarding to watch. It also shows that he understands a lot about what is being said.

And I realize that it is having positive impact on his behaviour, and that J will reaffirm the good behaviour more.

What to pray for?

Pray for ONE good thing the child has done

Find one good thing that your child has done and share it with God in your prayer. In doing so, you are indirectly praising your child. If J has done something praise-worthy for the day, I will mention it in the prayer.

For example, I will say, "Dear Jesus, thank you for giving us such a well-behaved child, who remembered to clear his plate after dinner this evening."

If J hasn't done anything praise-worthy for that day, but slept well without waking up during the night. I will say, "Dear Heavenly Father, thank you that J has been so good in sleeping through the night".

Other Benefits:

1. Effective moral training

Ever since I started this, I notice also that J is very eager to pray together. So it makes moral and godly training easier.

2. Training on listening skills

As mentioned above, J began to listen more attentively to what is being said.

3. Training on language skills

As a result of listening skill learned, the child's language's skills also improve.

4. Good for building strong marriage

My best friend Jannie reminded me to always remember to find one good thing to praise our spouse. This is also good to use on my Significant Other:-)

Note:
If you have not known Jesus, and want to know more before trying to pray, I just want to share that knowing God in my life is the best thing that I have experienced. In all life's challenges, including parenting, God is there to walk beside me, giving me wisdom, renewing my strength and carrying me through in all circumstances. I am just so filled with thankfulness to God.

The Bible says in Romans 10:9 "If you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you shall be saved."

If you would like to believe in Jesus and accept Him into your life as your Lord and Saviour, tell it to God and He will definitely do so.

God's Word from the Bible promises in Luke 11:9:

"So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."

God promises in Jeremiah 33:3:

"Call to Me and I will answer you, and I will tell you great and mighty things, which you do not know."

What to do if your toddler insists on banging the table during meal time?

We don't allow banging on the table during meal time. It is loud, disrespectful and bad manners. I have told J, "no, no, no", but he insisted on banging. I comtemplated giving him a time-out, yet I don't want to hamper his development with learning about banging. But yet I don't want to give him the idea that it is acceptable to bang the table/tray of his high chair. This thus vexed me for a couple of weeks.

Yesterday morning, I suddenly thought of an idea. I gave J a drum to beat to, when he started banging the tray of his high chair at breakfast this morning. I also explained to him that it is not acceptable to bang the table/tray, but that it is acceptable to beat the drum. It worked! He listened and was willing to stop banging the table/tray :-)

We began to sing and beat the drum, and he began to think that it is more fun to "beat" the drum, than to bang the tray/table. If he start banging the table, I will stop singing.

I began to hand him the drum at every opportunity e.g. potty time, etc. This is because once the novelty is lost, J will no longer be attracted to banging the table.

The Toddlerwise book teaches the general principle of substitution. With substitution, an equally desirable experience is offered similar to the original one that caught J's attention. I just couldn't think of a good substitution in this situation for the last 2 weeks, but I am glad I now managed to :-)

The “No No No” phase of toddlerhood – How to get your toddler to cooperate without resorting to Time-Out?

J is at the "No No No" stage. Here is a summary of 10 ways to deal with it from http://www.babycenter.com/:

1. Make animal sound

For example, J refuses to brush teeth. Tell him to open his mouth and roar like a lion. He may not mind that you slip in the toothbrush and give his teeth a good brush while he roars.

2. Adult modeling

Without asking him to brush his teeth, just start brushing your teeth in front of him. He might just want to join in the crowd.

3. Fly him in

For example, J refuses to go to the bathroom, make it fun by “flying” him in.

4. Musical box

For example, if J refuses to go upstairs to bed, Daddy would put a musical box up there, and ask him to climb up and find it.

5. Give him a "carrot"

For example, when J says no to pick up his toys, ask “J, do you want to go out?” (He loves to go out). Then say: “Then you need to pick up your toys first”.

6. Give him a "stick" i.e. another choice that is less attractive than the one requested

For example, if the problem is taking a bath, tell J either he choose to take his bath and play with his toys, or go to bed. Usually the toddler would choose to take the bath.

7. Challenge him

For example, say “J, show mommy that J can do (xxx) all by himself”

8. Help him set a good example

For example, say "J, can you show your Teddy bear how you can set the table?" or "J, I need you to teach Teddy Bear the rules about mealtime." Or say, "J, let's team up with Teddy bear and help teddy bear to complete the task together!"

9. Count to 10

So that J is prepared and knows how much time he has. Make it fun by speeding up the count toward the end, and tell him that he did it in 8 seconds and encourage him to beat his record. If he still doesn’t move, either leave him, tell him he is missing his reward (example his favourite dessert) or tell him it is your turn to do it and that he has missed his chance.

10. Don’t bother to fight it

For example, J refuses to get dressed, say “Ok, then mommy will go and wash the dishes” and leave the room. Usually, the toddler would return and be ready for what it was asked of him.

References:
- http://www.babycenter.com/0_parents-say-getting-past-no_11981.bc?scid=momstodd_20101130:4&pe=2UyYa5h

Milestones in Child Conscience Development

Babies 8 - 12 months:

• Parents can start calling attention to a right response as soon as their baby begins to show signs of mobility. Parallel to mobility is mental aptitude for understanding basic instructions. Not only does a child understand, he is capable of learning how to respond appropriately. Don’t underestimate how early the skill of understanding basic instructions are developed.For example, as soon as J begins to crawl, call him, then walk to him, pick him up, take him where you want him to go and then verbally encourage him to say “Good J, you are learning to obey mommy.” This helps your child to become accustomed to your command voice and your praise voice that accompanies the right response.

• As your child becomes more mobile, and you sense he grasp the concept of coming, then require obedience. This is accompanied by encouragement such as “Good boy J, you are obeying mommy”.

Pre-toddler 12-18 months old:

• That turning point happens when your child becomes capable of knowing when she's doing something she's not supposed to, often around her first birthday. "When she looks at you with that glint in her eye and then drops the peas, you know it's time to do something." says expert Madelyn Swift. What you do, says Swift, is start teaching the concept of taking responsibility for her actions.

• 12 month old can understand basic restrictive instructions such as stop, no, do not touch, do not move. To bring meaning to these words, “stop” must mean stop, “no” must mean no, etc.

• When a pre-toddler is old enough to walk, he has the corresponding capacity to discriminate between what he can and cannot touch.

• Pre-toddlers have the capacity for some limited self-governance. When faced with the temptation of playing with Dad’s car magazines or redirecting his hands, redirecting can win out. But how do you get your pre-toddler to that point? Instead of rearranging your home, train your pre-toddler in what he can or cannot touch.

Toddler 1-2 years old:

• Toddler between 1-2 years old – most misbehavior flows is non-malicious, non-rebellious, accidental in nature, thus most of what you will be dealing with at these ages is classified as childishness and not open willful defiance.

• A child under 2 years old is acting out of his nature and not a moral sense of right and wrong. For the 1 or 1.5 year old who takes a toy from another child is simply acting his nature. However, while the child may not understand the moral weight of his wrong behavior, parents do and thus are responsible for correction. You are the child’s moral sensibility until he gains it for himself. The responsible parent will seize the toy and give it back while instructing J “You do not take Anna’s toy, that is unkind”. In this way, parents are establishing the habit of the heart by establishing the moral boundaries of his behavior through restrictions.

Pre-schooler 2-3 years old:

• Around 2 years old – willful defiance shows up in full force.

• At 3 years old, a child’s higher conscience begins to develop and is ready to receive moral explanations.

References:
Toddlerwise, Chapter 6

Discipline for Toddlers (12-24 months)

As J develops intellectually, there are also more challenges in the discipline front, and it is becoming more urgent than before. Thus I have made the summary below from my reading, which I will try to put into practice for the next few months during this challenging period of parenting:

Chapter 6: Conflict, Training & Correction

• If a child is put on the right track at first and encouraged to remain there until he becomes accustomed to it or learns that it is best, he is less likely to drift to the wrong track later.

• Guiding a child means proactively encourage positive behaviours, redirecting unwanted behaviours and correcting inappropriate behaviours. That is why the foundations of all behaviour, acceptable or unacceptable, are laid early in life. In this way, inner growth, self-control and the habits of the heart are formed.

• Parents must be proactive in directing and redirecting process. It is a great error to sit back and let your toddler direct his own show. He needs direction and correction – both are demonstration of love.

• The fact that a child has no moral understanding why taking a toy from his sister is wrong, doesn’t mean parents should sit back and wait until his moral intellect catches up with moral actions.

• When it comes to training, more is caught than taught, which means your example forms lasting impressions.

Section 4: Age-appropriate forms of correction
Chapter 10: Preventive Side of Correction

• The best form of correction is prevention.

6 Methods of Preventive Correction:
There are 6 Methods of preventive correction as follows::

1. Set a good example. If you want him to say "please" and "thank you", be sure to use those terms with him and others.

2. Praise good behaviour. Tell your child when you like how he's behaving, rather than speaking up only when he's doing something wrong. It's nap time, a potential battle zone with your sometimes resistant toddler. Head it off by praising even small steps: "It's so great that you stopped playing with your blocks when I asked you to. That means we have extra time and can read a story. If you lie down right away, we'll have even more time and can read two stories." Keep praising each improvement he makes in his nap time routine, and make it worth his while with rewards such as stories or songs. Praise good behaviour "Thanks for sharing that toy with Daniel". "Wow, you brought your cup after meal to the kitchen!"

3. Give simple instruction. All training begins with parental instruction. Don’t say, “J, please pick up your toys and put them away”. Say, “J, please pick up your trucks”. In this way, your instructions are not asking the child to do something that is potentially overwhelming.

o Tell him what you want rather than what you don't. For instance, say "Touch the kitty gently," instead of "Don't hit the kitty!" Or, "Please sit down," instead of "Don't stand up in your chair."o Give instructions, not suggestions. Leaving the playground or not, coming to the high chair for dinner or wearing shoes is not an option. Don't say, "J, shall we leave the playground now?". Say, "J, we are leaving the playground now. Let's pack up."

o Require eye contact. Begin between 12 – 14 months. This will help your child focus on your instructions and better process them. Gently take your child’s face in your face and directing it toward you, accompanied by the statement “Look at mommy’s face, J”. Do not give instructions without first getting his attention.

o Use your child’s name. Make it a point to speak to your pre-toddler using his name. Preempt your instructions with your child’s name. “J, place your hands on the side of the highchair please” or “J, do not drop your food” or “J, come to Mommy”. Because children are by nature “me” oriented, putting their name before your instruction draws attention to the specific task you want to accomplish. By calling his name while giving your instruction, you are helping him focus.

o Call his name, then pause. Require a “Yes mommy” after you give instructions by 16 – 18 months. As your toddler approaches 20 months, start with the child’s name, followed by a pause. Pause, pause, pause, pause! Do not go any further with your instruction without first receiving from your child a verbal response, such as “Mommy” or “Yes Mommy” and eventually “Yes Mommy, I’m coming”, depending on his language development.

o Expect a response. When you speak to your child in a way that requires a response, you should expect a response (from 2 years old – 60% of the time as the goal, 3 years old 70%, 5 years old 85-90%). Start with 60% and gradually work it up. Directive (telling a child what to do) req. a response, and that response is trainable. Initially, it might just be a head nod, but it is the start of a wonderful habit of the heart. Only after you receive the child’s response will you proceed with your instruction. When J tries to unbuckle himself from the pram, you would say, “No J, mommy will unbuckle you. “Say yes mommy”.

o Consistency – when you draw the line, stay with it. The child knows what is expected and what is off-limits.

4. Substitute, don’t suppress. With substitution, an equally desirable experience is offered similar to the original one that caught your pre-toddler’s curiosity. Instead of trying to stop or suppress the novelty of playing in the dog’s water, substitute something in its place such as putting a similar bowl of water in a mother-friendly location such as the laundry floor and let the child have at it. Do this just before bath time or a diaper change when getting wet is not an issue. This should take only a few minutes and the novelty is lost and the child is no longer attracted to the dog’s water dish. Instead of the toilet lid, give the child a small bucket with lid that he can play with.

5. Re-direct. Re-direct your child to his own drawer, so that he will leave the other drawers alone.

6. Assign responsibility. Involve your toddler in daily tasks. Giving your toddler a "job" to do can defuse some of the most common tantrum-provoking situations. For example, when your child refuses to get into his car seat, make him "boss of the seatbelts" — he has to make sure everyone in the car was buckled in before the driver could start the car. The battle over the car seat was over.

When your child wriggles to get out of the cart at the supermarket, hold up a box of item you are purchasing and say: "I need to get food for us to eat, and I need you to help me." Then hand it to him and let him drop it behind him into the cart. You can also ask him to be your "lookout" and help you spot certain favorite foods on the shelf.

Chapter 11: How to Pull Weeds – Corrective Side of Discipline

• Just like in gardening, the weeding process in parenting is called correction. Weed pulling is a gradual process that will take years to accomplish.

• Between 14 – 40 months, a child’s intellect matures sufficiently to allow meaningful interaction with adults and other children.

• There will be MANY times when your pre-toddler will reject or strongly oppose your instructions, but train you MUST.

4 Types of Instructions:

There are 4 types of instructions:

1. Stop
2. No
3. Do not touch
4. Do not move

• To bring meaning, "Stop must mean stop, "No" must mean no, "Do not touch" must mean do not touch and "Do not move" must mean do not move. Attempting to reason with a pre-toddler or toddler is not commendable. Lead, direct and guide him in the confidence of your wisdom.

8 Methods of Correction:

There are 8 methods of correction (but each method should be used with abundance of graciousness and love) as follows:

1. Verbal correction – Make eye contact and speak respectively in a firm and calm tone. Yelling at your child is not correcting him. He is more likely than not even listening to what you are saying because of fear.

2. Validate his feelings - Your toddler yanks a truck out of his friend's hands. Instead of plopping him down in a time-out or trying to explain why what he did was wrong — both strategies that assume your child's more sophisticated than he is — take a few minutes to echo what he seems to be thinking and feeling back to him: "You want the truck."

Validating your child's feelings will help him settle down, and once he's calm enough to listen, you can deliver your discipline message. But again, give him the stripped-down version: "No grab, no grab, it's Max's turn." Note: This may feel silly at first, but it will work.

If he refuses and has another tantrum, the cycle repeats itself. But wait longer for him to settle down this time, and make sure he knows you mean business. Then back to the cars you go.

For toddlers closer to 2 years old, for example, your child throws toys on floor. Gently removes toy from child's hand and says, "You felt upset when I told you that it was almost naptime. But we don't throw toys, even when we're mad. Instead, would you like to draw a picture about how mad you are?"

3. Redirecting – Redirect a child’s attention from what he is going, which might be wrong, dangerous or unwise, to a new activity.

4. Isolation & time-out – remove the child from an act or place of conflict to the crib, playpen or highchair rolled to a quiet place. With screaming fits and temper tantrums, isolate the child to his crib or bed. He may get out of isolation when he is calm and happy. Pick J up and isolate him after the first or second warning. Do not wait and get into a power struggle. If he is disruptive in his play group, isolate him in another room.

4. Losing the privilege - The child that drops his toys on the outside of his playpen will learn soon enough that they do not come back. For example, if J refuses to clean up after playing or bangs very loudly on the electronic piano, tell him that you are going to put the toy away for a few days so that he loses the privilege of playing with the toy for a while.

5. Natural consequences – When mom gives a stop command only to observe the 18 months old continuing on a collision course with the wall, the natural pain of disobedience is your child’s tutor in the moment. You will tend to use natural consequences as your child moves closer to 2 years of age than in the earlier phase.

J's running around in a dirty diaper, but he refuses to stop and let you change it. Start by asking if he wants her diaper changed, and if he says no, say okay and let it go for a while. Wait five minutes and ask again, and if you get another no, wait again.

Usually by the third time you ask, discomfort will have set in and you'll get a yes. And knowing that saying no carries some weight will stop your child from saying it automatically. The more you respect their no, the less often they use it.

6. Corrective action - J made a mess under his highchair. When he's finished eating, lift him up, set him on the floor, and ask him to hand you some peas so he's "helping" you take care of it. Talk to him about what you're doing: "Okay, we made a mess with the peas so we have to clean it up." Your toddler didn't want to get dressed and threw a fit, hurling toy cars around the room. Once he's stable, take him back to the toy cars and calmly but firmly tell him it's time to pick them up. If the task seems too daunting, split it up. Point to one pile of cars and say, "You pick up these cars and I'll pick up the ones over there." Stay there until your toddler has finished her portion of the job.

7. Discomfort - a squeeze on the hand, a swat for wiggling on the changing table, when accompanied by verbal correction acts as a deterrent to wrong and health-threatening behaviours.

8. Nap – Temper tantrums, for example, are often the result of an over-stimulated child in need of sleep. The action of the tantrum should be considered secondary to the real problem. IT is not discipline that the child needs, but rest. Have you ever seen a well-rested child throw a temper tantrum? How much extra activity is going on in his little life outside the home?

3 Golden Rules:

1. Consistency – the child who is corrected consistently when he fails to obey is better adjusted than the child whose discipline is inconsistent or incomplete.

2. Utilize 4 corrective strategies:

• Add a hand clap to bring attention to your “No”.
• Use the “Stop” sign to get your child’s attention.
• Use a swat on the hand to get your child’s attention.

3. Do not make his play world too big. If your son develops a fondness for the toilet seat, shut the door and keep it closed (or give him a bucket with lid). Just allow your pre-toddler in the living-room and kitchen.

References:
- Pre-Toddlerwise, Section 4, Chapter 10 & 11

- Toddlerwise, Chapter 6

- http://www.babycenter.com/404_should-i-discipline-my-baby_6884.bc


- http://www.babycenter.com/0_the-discipline-tool-kit-successful-strategies-for-every-age_1475318.bc

- http://www.babycenter.com/big-story-your-discipline-style?showAll=true

- http://kidshealth.org/parent/positive/talk/discipline.html#

10 memos from your child

I was cleaning out some cards at home when I saw this. Thought it is very a good reminder for me.

1. DON'T SPOIL ME. I know quite well that I ought not to have all that I ask for. I'm only testing you.

2. DON'T BE AFRAID TO BE FIRM WITH ME. I prefer it, it makes me feel more secure.

3. DON'T LET ME FORM BAD HABITS. I have to rely on you to detech them in the early stages.

4. DON'T CORRECT ME IN FRONT OF PEOPLE IF YOU CAN HELP IT. I'll take much more notice if you talk quietly with me in private.

5. DON'T PROTECT ME FROM CONSEQUENCES. I need to learn the painful way, sometimes.

6. DON'T NAG. If you do, I shall have to protect myself by appearing deaf.

7. DON'T FORGET THAT I CANNOT EXPLAIN MYSELF AS WELL AS I SHOULD LIKE. That is why I'm not always very accurate.

8. DON'T BE INCONSISTENT. That completely confuses me and makes me lose faith in you.

9. DON'T PUT ME OFF WHEN I ASK QUESTIONS. If you do, you will find that I stop asking and seek my information elsewhere.

10. DON'T FORGET THAT I CAN'T THRIVE WITHOUT LOTS OF UNDERSTANDING AND LOVE.

Discipline (12-18 months pre-toddlers)

We are getting more and more challenged with the issue of discipline. J, 16 months, is now capable of knowing when he’s doing something he’s not supposed to do*. He will look at me with the glint in his eyes. Here are some ideas suggested by books that I will be trying out to deal with it:

1. Give instructions, not suggestions

Avoid asking whether he like to go to bed. If it is bed time, put him to bed with all the kisses, hugs and prayers and leave. It is not the child’s option. Neither is leaving the playground, coming to the highchair or lunch or wearing shoes in a rough yard. Give your instructions or correction in firm and calm tone. Don’t yell, as he is likely not to even listen due to fear. Don’t use “ok” to end your instructions. Say, “J, we are going to be leaving the store. I want to hear a ‘Yes, mommy’”.

2. Use the child’s name, require eye contact and yes mommy

Do not give instructions without first getting your pre-toddler’s attention. Start around 12-14 months of age. When you are face-to-face with your child, take his chin in your hand, look into his eyes, say his name and give him your instructions: “J, place your hands on the side of the high chair please” or “J, do not drop your food.” This will help him to focus on your instructions. The child who is allowed to look around while mom or dad give instructions will often struggles with compliance because his attention is divided. When your child he is about 16 or 24 months of age (depending on when he learns to talk), pause after calling his name, require a “yes mommy” response from your child, then an eventual “yes mommy, I am coming, etc.” after you give instructions.

3. Be consistent and resolved

The child who is corrected consistently when he fails to obey is better adjusted than the chld whose discipline is inconsistent or incomplete. “Stop” must mean stop, “No” must mean no, “Do not touch” must mean do not touch, and “Do not move” must mean do not move. Attempting to reason with a pre-toddler or toddler is not commendable. Lead, direct and guide him in the confidence of your wisdom.

4. Get him involved in daily tasks

This helps to defuse some of the most common tantrum-provoking situations. For example in the supermarket, hand him a box of item you are purchasing and let him drop it behind him into the cart.

5. Validate child’s feeling, then deliver discipline message and re-direct

Show understanding before delivering the discipline message. For example, J snatches a toy car from another’s toddler. Echo what he seems to be thinking and feeling by saying, “You want the truck”. This validates his feelings and helps him to calm down. Once he is calm enough to listen, deliver the discipline message, but stripped-down version: “Don’t snatch, don’t snatch, it is Erik’s turn. You do not take Erik’s toy, that is unkind. You can have this block instead”. Return the toy car to the other kid and substitute another toy for J. If J repeats his tantrum, repeat the whole process again and make sure that you mean business.

6. Don’t try to talk your child out of tantrum

You may be encouraging him to throw more tantrum by rewarding it with attention. To be effective, he needs a sympathetic audience. When he is at the point of throwing tantrum, he is not listening to anything you say anyway. So stop talking.

7. Loss of privilege

The child that drops his toys on the outside of his playpen will learn soon enough that it does not come back.

8. Isolation and time-out

If he is disruptive in his play group, isolate him in another room. If at home, isolate him to his crib, bed or high-chair. With tantrums, isolate him to his crib or bed. He may get out of isolation when he is calm and happy. J would grunt when he didn’t get what he wanted. He would point to the object and ask again, and if the answer was still “No”, he would throw a tantrum. Put him in his crib to get self-control at the first sign, and the tantrum won’t follow. If tantrum follows before isolation, isolate him to the crib or in the playpen until he calms down, which may take 10 minutes or longer.

9. Praise him when he is behaving well

Tell him, “It’s great that you stopped playing with your toy car in the balcony. This means we have more time to play with water-can and containers during bath time”.

10. Nap

If nothing works and your child continues to be difficult, it is most likely that he is tired. It is not discipline that the child needs, but rest.

I should not feel discouraged. According to Toddlerwise, obedience for this age-group (up to 2 years old) means that a child complies with your instructions at least 60% of the time. This means that you are working towards total compliance 60% of the time. The walking, talking and exploring toddler is in process and he cannot give you 100% obedience because he is not capable of doing so.

* Book says that often around first birthday or “between 14 and 40 months, a toddler’s intellect matures sufficiently to allow meaningful interaction with adults and other children. The transition between action and understanding is what makes the toddler years so hectic for young moms” – Toddler-wise.

References:
Pre-Toddlerwise by Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam

Toddlerwise by Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam

http://www.babycenter.com/404_should-i-discipline-my-baby_6884.bc

http://www.babycenter.com/0_the-discipline-tool-kit-successful-strategies-for-every-age_1475318.bcage_1475318.bc

http://kidshealth.org/parent/positive/talk/discipline.html#