C Summary: Baby-Swimming

Couldn't remember how it was Iike with J, when he was a baby. For C, in order to bring her for baby-swimming, I need to set off before she naps, then walk her to sleep outside the swimming complex, then brace the cold sitting outside at 3 degree Celsius waiting, while she sleeps for 1-1.5 hour. This is the only way I can fit in her nap time and swimming. If I set off from home only after she wakes, it will be too late to reach the swimming complex on time. Thankfully it is not raining today!!! Dreaming of a cafe and hot chocolate to warm those ice-cold hands.

After all these meticulous planning and enduring icy-cold hands to fit her nap-time and baby-swimming, only for her to be woken up by a bunch of screaming school kids passing by anyway!!! Life... sigh...

We made it for baby-swimming!!! :-)

Can't take the train, can't drive the car... walking 5 km home, so she can fall asleep... oh baby baby sleep SLEEP!!!

Just my thoughts...

Career as a mom is so short. Of all the careers in the world, career as a mom is probably one of the shortest. You only have one shot at it. Give your very best. Savor every moment of it. Treasure it with all your heart.

How to Develop Your Career and Passion As a Career Mom?

I have said that my goal is to be a career mom. What do I mean by that? I mean that being a mom must be treated as a career, and developed as such similar to a corporate career.

Why do people think that they can just be a mom, without investing in career development? I think this is a mistake.

No wonder so many moms suffer from burn-outs and can't wait to go back to the corporate world. Because they treat being a mom as a side-work, and struggle to find time for it. They see being a mom more as a time-sucker, rather than enjoying the opportunity and the journey of being a mom.

You don't just wake up one day, and become a great mom. You need the same kind of motivation and determination we see in the corporate world. You need the same kind of enthusiasm you muster in cultivating your corporate career.

It takes going for classes, on-going career training and development, on-the-job training and time for reflection and consolidation of learnings, just like any career.

Being a mom should not be accidental, it is should be intentional. It requires intentional career development similar to a corporate career. It deserves to be taken seriously as in developing a corporate career. Otherwise, you will burn out as a mom very easily.

If you put in all these effort and development, you will find that being a Career Mom is as exciting and passionate as pursuing a corporate career.

I discovered that there is so much personal and professional development as a mom, that it will take me a lifetime.

Here are 10 tips consolidated through my learnings from my last 6 years of pursuing a career as a Career Mom:

1. Set yourself a goal as a Career Mom

Take a cup of tea, and a paper and pen. Relax, sit down on the sofa, turn on some music. Ask yourself: What kind of a mom you want to be? Pen down your thoughts.

For me, I want to be a career mom. I use to use my energy climbing the corporate career, but now I am using that energy to be a career mom. To me, being a mom is a career that requires intentional career planning, nurturing, cultivation and going for training and development. I approach it as I would cultivating any other career in the private business sector. I gave it a name - Being a Career Mom.

So my goal is to be a Career Mom.

Next, my goal is to raise a child fit to be the Prime Minister.

It is no secret that most Chinese aim to groom their children to be doctors, lawyers, engineers, professionals. But I am aiming higher than that. I aim to groom a Prime Minister. You can read more about it here.

I don't need to reach this goal. I just need to have a goal high enough to make life exciting, that will motivate me to jump out of bed each day. It is the journey that counts :-)

From here, I develop a vision and mission statement for myself what kind of motherhood I want to pursue. For a corporation to survive and thrive, it needs to have a vision and convicted mission. It is the same being a Career Mom running the Family FECS Inc.

2. Work on Developing the 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families

To succeed in the corporate business world, it is well-known that it is very important to develop the 7 habits of highly effective people. In the workplace that I work, managers are sent for training in The 7 Habits workshops.

To become a Career Mom, it is equally important to develop these 7 habits in the family context. As such, I highly recommend this book "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families" by the same author - Stephen Covey:

http://amzn.to/1W0CrRZ

Rome is not built overnight. To develop these habits, one way to do so is to engage in ongoing career training.

3. Learn from your mom and from other moms

It is only after I have became a mom, that I was able to appreciate my mom, to see clearly where my mom has done well, and where I could learn from her. I have written a post on those things I am so grateful to learn first hand from my mother, as I lived with her during my childhood:

Our mothers are of course, not perfect. Thus, it is important that we embrace the good and discard the bad. You may be blessed with a wonderful mom, whom you could learn and emulate, or you may not had a mom who was there for you.

Don't despair, you still can learn from other moms :-)

Here are a list of great mothers past and present that I am learning from:

http://www.familyfecs.com/2013/08/list-of-great-moms-past-and-present.html

It is a good idea to meet up with other moms once a quarter, cook together, share experiences about being a mom and encourage one another. I am very blessed to have such friends in my life, one of my betsie is JS.

You might consider finding yourself a mentor to guide you through the heart actions necessary to becoming a Career Mom.

4. Read books to "sharpen your sword"

To overcome the routine of daily life as a mom, I find it rejuvenating to read books that inspire me in my journey to grow as a Career Mom.

Some people told me that they don't read books on parenting, nor do they need to. They are very confidence in their own ability. If managers and business leaders need to be sent to management and leadership course, why do people think that it is just so easy to be a great mom? If we study so hard through universities to prepare ourselves for career in the corporate world, why do people think that moms can just wake up one day and fit the role and demands without any preparation?

In the olden days, Danish girls attended special schools to prepare them to be mothers and household managers, and I think that says it all - preparation makes all the great difference.

I don't think I have that kind of confidence that I know best. Besides, there is always things to learn. Pride comes before a fall. So I humble myself and learn from others.

Also, I didn't come from a family, where my parents have been model example for parenting. I know my disadvantage, and thus I seek out books. Yes, true, there are thousands of parenting books and philosophy out there, how can we know which one would be good?

That is where we need to have discernment.

Make it your goal to read one parenting, marriage or family book a year.

Here are two of the books which I love:

http://amzn.to/1ZQIr4l

http://amzn.to/1GOH4Hz

5. Take on-the-job training seriously, but with a tinge of humor

It is in the day-to-day mundane life of being a mom, that your physical, mental, emotional resources are stretched and put to the test. It is how to day-in-and-day-out fulfill your role as a mom that determines the winner. Are you able to go far? Will you fizzle out? I have to admit that for me, it is not without struggle. That is the reason why it is important for me to rest, take time to reflect and to "sharpen my sword" by reading good books and learning from other mothers. I take comfort from http://www.thebettermom.com/ and take comfort that I am not alone.

In this aspect, I think of my own mom, although without much education, she managed to keep the same consistent standard for decades as a mom of three children.

6. Lead by example

This is what I hope for J to become. This is the goal I set for him. Children learn best from adults demonstrating it in their own lives. Thus, I have to lead by example.

Everyday I pray for myself too, and everyday I evaluate myself. No, I am not perfect, and I still keeps on making mistakes. I have to learn to seek God's forgiveness and forgive myself and try again. This is what I pray for myself, that I may become:

1. A person who loves and fears God.
2. A person who leads a life with integrity and without reproach.
3. A person who demonstrates selfless service and works for the common good.
4. A person who leads by example to preserve and promote these moral values.
5. A person who endures to uphold the values of justice, equality, progress, peace and harmony.
6. A person who values and protects the life and dignity of the human person.
7. A person who protects and cares for the weak, elderly, under-privileged, and those with special needs.
8. A person who commits to marriage and family for life.
9. A person who works to build an inclusive society, free from oppression and discrimination.
10. A person with a servant heart, who is willing and able to roll up his sleeves, take hardship and to serve with an empathy of heart.

8. Get your sleep

You will need the energy to handle the energetic kids.

Besides providing the energy that you need, it is the best beauty treatment. Don't be conned - the best beauty treatment is not going for facial (seriously which moms of young children have time to run to the facial and then spend hours there, unless you are the crown princess of denmark or a tai tai in Singapore!!!) or buying those expensive skin care, nor make-up (though it helps of course). It is sleep.

The best skin care and secret to youth, really, is to have sufficient sleep and to stay out of the sun. The sun causes winkles.

Personally, this is an area I need discipline to be better, as being a goal-getting with so many things I want to achieve, I tend to view sleep as a time-stealer.

8. Pray

"Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchmen stand in guard in vain." - Psalm 127: 1.

Among all these points, this is one of the most important. You can't achieve raising a child on the right path on your own. "Unless the LORD builds this house, its builders labor in vain.

Pray for your children. For me, I spend time on my knees and pray for J that he will grow up to become:

1. A person who loves and fears God.
2. A person who leads a life with integrity and without reproach.
3. A person who demonstrates selfless service and works for the common good.
4. A person who leads by example to preserve and promote these moral values.
5. A person who endures to uphold the values of justice, equality, progress, peace and harmony.
6. A person who values and protects the life and dignity of the human person.
7. A person who protects and cares for the weak, elderly, under-privileged, and those with special needs.
8. A person who commits to marriage and family for life.
9. A person who works to build an inclusive society, free from oppression and discrimination.
10. A person with a servant heart, who is willing and able to roll up his sleeves, take hardship and to serve with an empathy of heart.

9. Learn to let go

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." - Romans 8:28

No matter what we do, some things are not us to decide. Your child can still choose to make the wrong choices. Have the wisdom to let go. God will work all things for the good of those who love Him. But never let go or give up on your child.

10.  Above all else, the most important is loving your child

I know I am highly ambitious and have a tendency to overwhelm people. I tend to run very fast, and tires out even my own hubby. If this list can be of help, use it as a reference and approach it step-by-step, but it is not the goal to overwhelm you with this post. If you find the list too overwhelming, remember that the most important is to love your children, other things are secondary and a bonus. Blessed are the children who have parents who love them. With love, it can go a long way. So don't be discouraged, if you can't keep up. Just concentrate on loving your children (in a right way, not to spoil them).

In conclusion

Being a Career Mom can be exciting and challenging, if you pursue it with all your heart and give it your very best. You only have one life-time opportunity to do it. Don't waste it.

Having said that, I know that I am a very goal-oriented person. If you are not like me, and this does not work for you, don't be discouraged. The most important thing being a mom is to love your children. And if you have that, all the rest are really secondary. So give yourself a pat on your shoulders for the love and care you have shown your child. Your child is really more fortunate than a million others in this world.

A Letter to Ma

Dear Ma

When God took pa home suddenly, I cried my heart out. I cried the whole way on-board the plane back to Singapore. My greatest regret is not telling him how much I appreciate him. I wished I could bring him back to life, just so that I could tell him. I do not want to make the same mistake.

Ever since I became a mother, I realized how amazingly capable you were, bringing up the three of us. I want to tell it to you, but each time when we skyped, the words just do not come out of my mouth. I told myself I will find a chance to talk to you, when you were here last summer. But your friends were always around you.

In the wee hours of the morning, I will write you a letter instead. And I hope others will read this letter to you.

You had only primary education, and you felt that you were very ignorant about the world. You didn't know what it was like to work in an office. You did not know how to type. You did not know how to use a computer. You felt you did not have much skills. 

In your eyes, I am more successful. I have a high education and work in a world renowned organization. I have been given the opportunities to experience all that you had not. But I realized that what you did, not many highly educated women could achieve.

Although you did not have a finance master, looking back, I am amazed at how you managed to make ends meet with the limited amount of money that pa provided each month, and sometimes no money or the money came very late. I remembered the late night discussions of pa and you worrying about money and when the customers would pay pa for the electrical appliances that he had repaired. Yet you still managed to make us 3 course dinner every evening - a vegetable, a meat and a soup with rice without fail, no matter how tired you were taking care of 3 kids. Without knowing it, you mastered the Just-In-Time (JIT) concept way before it was made popular in the corporate world.

I remembered you never ate with us at dinner. Now I realized that it was because you were worried that the food would not be enough. We would always eat first, and you would eat whatever that were left-over, even if it meant eating just plain rice with soya sauce and water. You gave the fish to us. You have developed the habit of doing that, and even until today, when we were no longer poor, you still could not kick off this habit. You only eat left-overs when you visited us in Denmark, despite my urging you to eat, while all of us were eating. 

I remembered there had never been days, when you did not make dinner. Day in and day out, you will find the energy to do all these and kept the same consistent standard of 3 dishes - vegetable, meat and soup. You would sew and mend my clothes. You would sew dresses for the only Barbie doll that you saved for months to buy for me. You would always find the energy to do the house chores. I have never seen you cried over the mountain of practical responsibilities you had as a mother. I wondered, if you ever cried behind our sight?

In your marriage, you modeled for us unconditional love for pa. You served the family tirelessly without any complaints. You would be forbearing over for pa. On the other hand, I could get calculative over our home responsibilities, over who is doing more or who is doing less. When I come before God, He would remind me that we should not only look to our own interest, but to the interest of others. God would remind me of your example.

Although I had a master in finance, I would not have managed the home finance as well as you. We don't have to worry about money, but I sweat to think if I were to be put in your shoes one day, if I could manage it as well as you. I have not been able to budget my food well, so often throwing away food that we could not finish. I am not able to just eat left-overs and give the good stuff to J. Sometimes I am tempted to eat the good stuff and keep the left-overs for J. There are days, I would just not have the energy to make dinner, and resort to takeaways so very often. And when I make dinner, very often, I can only manage 1 dish. It will take me the whole day to make 3 dishes like you did and I would be very tired. Until today, I still have not completed sewing the buttons on J's scout uniform. It is a real struggle. And I still have yet to mend his stuff toy. J asked farmor to help him sew it.

When I think of the things you had done for us as our mum, I am humbled. Many of the things, I am not able to do. And even if I managed to, I would have felt so tired. I would think of the following day and get upset over the never-ending routine of practical work as a mom, and cry. I would need some time to chill out with girlfriends over cafes and high-tea. But you did all those things without any opportunities to chill out with your girlfriends. 

I remembered you told me to learn all these life skills, when I was a young girl. But I refused. That was mainly because of the Chinese bias-ness, that you said that only girls need to learn, and boys do not. So I rebelled. I refused to learn. It was also so uncool to do those household chores in Singapore. From the elite girls' school that pa and you queued the whole day to get me a space through balloting, none of my classmates bothered with home economics. Those stuff are done in Singapore only by maids, even till today. We only need to bother to go to school, do homework and do well for exams. 

Then I came to Denmark. I saw the Danes. I saw how good they are with practical life-skills. I saw that my Danish sister-in-law could do all these without having a maid, and she is highly educated. She had learned all these during her childhood from her mother and father.

Today I regretted big time not learning to be more practical during my childhood with you.

I realized ma, that God gave us different skills that couldn't be measured by a degree and a shining corporate career. I realized that these skills are best learned during childhood - during that window of critical period.

So I have to buy back those lost time. I have reduced my career opportunities to go part-time, and I use the time to teach J those practical life skills - how to cook and how to do housework, even though he is a boy and not a girl. And I am actually learning along with him. I am given a second childhood to learn all these practical life skills, which I am very thankful for.

You might have sensed it, you might have not. When I was a child, in front of those rich kids from the elite girls' school, whose parents came to school in their Mercedes, dressed in suits and tie, and mothers nails fully manicured, I felt ashamed of our family and of us not having a maid at home. I want to seek your forgiveness, ma. That was so very silly of me. Now that I have grown up, I realized that I should be very proud of you, for what you have achieved at home. It is extraordinary. You are the best mum.

Dear ma, I want you to be very proud of yourself. You should not feel a sense of loss that you didn't have a degree or a high education. What you have achieved is no less than what other women have achieved. And I wish I could learn to be as good as you are, but I may not be able to do it in my life-time, because what one hadn't learn to do during childhood will not come as naturally and as efficiently learned as an adult. But I hope J will be as good as you and my Danish sister-in-law are. I am determined not make the same mistake again for the next generation. And ma, you have been a exemplary example in my life. You should know how much I look up to you as my mother.

The Flight of Refugees and the Lesson We Can Teach Our Children

This image stayed in my mind… a wounded dad himself trying to protect and comfort his child, with all the might he has left... the helplessness of the child… and the helplessness of the father… it pains me to see... and how my heart aches for them. Displaced from their country because of war, unwanted, without a shelter and in constant danger. I really hope they are alright. I prayed that they will be fine and safe… and also for those people who are in the same situation.

The horrors of wars… 

Our late PM Mr. Lee Kuan Yew experienced all these first-hand during the Second World War. And it left him with the iron-steel determination to build up a strong Singapore, so that all of us can have a future. He gave us a safe haven to bring up our children, so that we don't have to knock on doors of other countries.

What can we mothers do?

In our protected world, we so often busy ourselves with kids' activities, bringing our kids to Disneyland, etc., I am equally guilty of it. I need to share with J the current world affairs in a bite size manner that will help him understand. I need to take time to explain to my child, what others in the world are going through, even if it means forgoing one of his activities to do so. I need to pray for these people with my child.

We need to teach our children to show sympathy and to raise them up strong to be in the position to help others. It could have been one of us in the picture.

We need to be intentional in our parenting and we need to pray and ask God to help us with it… we need to be determined to raise up good people for the society. This is the only way we can safeguard the security of our children and that of our children’s children.

What Is Your Parenting Standard? Mine Is to Raise a Prime Minister

What is your parenting standard?

A few years ago, I told my husband that I am secretly setting myself the parenting standard of raising a Prime Minister, and he nearly fell off his chair. And of course, he said that I was crazy.

But that's how I spur myself on. And it hasn't changed today.

Please do not misunderstand. I do not dream of J being a Prime Minister. In fact, the selfish human nature in me does not want him to be one. I mean, look at all the Prime Ministers of the world. Look at Mr. Lee Hsien Loong. How busy they are. They don't have much time for their family and kids and enjoy life. The weight of the whole country is on them. They sure have a lot of sleepless nights. They have to make tough decisions. I don't wish that on J. I just hope that he and his future wife will have time to enjoy his family and have time to raise up their kids, like I do :-)

And besides neither will J meet the criteria of becoming a Prime Minister - First of all, he does not look Danish enough, is not technically Singaporean nor does he come from China.

But I would like him to develop the ideal qualities of a Prime Minister.

And I think it is important to aim high, so that when you fall short, you don't fall so short. And this is what motivates me to wake up, day-after-day, week-after-week, year-after-year taking my motherhood duties seriously, with passion and gusto, making meals, preparing lesson plans, doing Montessori activities, heritage education, Christian education, taking J to his activities, etc. since he was a baby.

And what are the ideal qualities of being a Prime Minister?

To me, the most important is character, having empathy and wisdom, to be above reproach. J has a lot of room to grow in this area. So this is where I am working on... and it will be a life-long work to develop these qualities.

And this brings me back once again to Sarah Edwards, the amazing wife of Jonathan Edward. She is my inspiration. I also draw inspiration from Proverbs 31:10-31.

With this standard in mind, my hope is for J is to grow into*:

1. A person who loves and fears God.
2. A person who leads a life with integrity and without reproach.
3. A person who demonstrates selfless service and works for the common good.
4. A person who leads by example to preserve and promote these moral values.
5. A person who endures to uphold the values of justice, equality, progress, peace and harmony.
6. A person who values and protects the life and dignity of the human person.
7. A person who protects and cares for the weak, elderly, under-privileged, and those with special needs.
8. A person who commits to marriage and family for life.
9. A person who works to build an inclusive society, free from oppression and discrimination.
10. A person with a servant heart, who is willing and able to roll up his sleeves, take hardship and to serve with an empathy of heart.

And no, I am not pressurizing J to be a Prime Minister. I am just using this goal as a character check and for guiding character development**. But periodically, I would ask myself:

Is J growing into a person I will be willing to vote for as a Prime Minister, if he is not my son?
Is J fit to be a Prime Minister, based on those standards?

To be honest, although I wish this in J, I have not achieved such sterling character myself. That's why it spurs me on to evaluate myself at the end of each day and to try again the next day to be a better person. I think I have grown as a person compared to 6 years ago (before J was born). Motherhood changes a person, and it has definitely changed me, for the better, I hope.

But even if we do not achieve such standard, it is a standard worth pursuing.

Yes, I am crazy, and I am on this crazy journey. So I want to thank my husband for all his support, in allowing me to simply be a mom devoted to motherhood and to pursue my passion in being a mom.

Now that his post has gone out, I am sure I will invite the ridicule of others, who are going to have a good laugh at me. But I just needed to write my heart out.

What is your parenting standard? Or maybe you do not have one at all? We are all different, and it is alright. There is no right and wrong :-) We are all motivated by different things :-)

But in fact, if I may be allowed to share my opinion, I really do think that all moms should set this goal for their children. I mean, how do you want your country to be governed? I am sure you want it to be governed with justice, transparency, equality and with a heart. The only way for a country to be so, is if its people are so. And the only way for its people to be so, is if mothers raise up their children to be so. If all its people are good enough to be an ideal Prime Minister, then such a country will surely prosper and be in the position to help others.

What is your parenting standard? I hope you will reflect on it.

* Inspiration drawn from the articulation of Archbishop William Goh.

** You may say that many Prime Ministers of the world are corrupt and do not possess these qualities. True, many are not fit to be Prime Minister.

What Kind of Memory You Want to Leave Behind as a Mom?

I have so few pictures of my time together with my mum as I was growing up,
but the fond memores stayed in my mind.
This is one of the rare pictures of my mum bringing my brother and me to Botanica Gardens,
and I took part in a drawing competition (my broher wasn't interested)
Needless to say, I didn't win anything, but that wasn't important.
What was important was that I was with my mum, and we did things together.
Btw, the girl in green, wow, she was good in her art, and it was really beautiful. She was one of the winners.
In this picture, I was the girl in the red dress, and my mum was the one in the strip T-shirt and blue pants.

How do you want to make memories with your children?

My question is not how do you want your children to remember you, but how do you want to make memories with your children?

The difference with the former and the latter is time.

Your child can remember you with love and respect, but you might still not have made memories with your child.

For example, I know of someone who remembers his mum with love and respect, but there is not much shared memories with her. His mum was a Full-Time Working Mom (FTWM).

So, what kind of memory do I want J to remember, when he leaves home? How much of me will he have of his childhood memories? If so, would it be fond memories?

When I think of my own childhood, I have fond memories of my mum making lunch and dinner in the kitchen for the family, everyday without fail. Images of my brother, sister and I sitting at the table having dinner flashed back, and flooded my heart with warmth. My mum cooked the food laboriously. She cooked it with love. She cooked it diligently.

When I fell sick, I had fond memories of my mum being there to nurse me throughout the night. My mum could do so, because she did not have to wake up to go to work the following day.

Although my mum could not help me with English, Maths or Science, she helped me with Chinese. When I recall my childhood, I recall my mum giving me 听写  (Chinese spelling). I used to get the range of 90% to 100% marks in the Chinese examinations throughout my primary school. The high Chinese standard I obtained was all thanks to my mum.

I have fond memories of my mum bringing me to swimming classes, reading her newspapers while waiting for my brother and me to finish our class.

Mid-Autumn Festival event organised by the Holland Village CC.
From right: My brother, me and my best childhood friend, Meimei

I have fond memories of going to the NTUC supermarket with my mum to buy groceries. I recall going to the wet-market with my mum every morning to buy vegetables and meat.

Looking back, my mum was there for us children. I have never doubted my mother’s love for me. I rested securely in her love, and still do today, although with age... our roles have reversed.

My mum could do all these for the family and me, because she was a Stay-At-Home Mom (SAHM). My mum did not have much education. So the opportunity cost of going out to work was very low. She would not be giving up a high salary.

And me as a mom today?

Cooking dinner is a struggle for me everyday. I can make it. But I am in a survival mode, because I am operating on Just-In-Time (JIT) concept. Sure, I can choose to buy take-away dinner. Sure, we can eat in restaurants everyday if we choose to. Sure, we can even have a maid to delegate cooking and ironing (we already have cleaning help). But is this the kind of memories I want to leave behind?

Just packets of take-away dinner on the table? (Sure, I can put it onto nice plates which I do, but it is not the same.) Always stressing to make it home on time after work? Always rushing so that we can have a bed time that will allow me to wake up in time for work the following day?

I asked Mr. FECS, what kind of childhood memory he has of his mum?

Show encrypted text

Not much. No doubt, he respects his mum and love her. But there wasn't much memories of doing things together. His mum was a FTWM. It is a matter of priorities, given the same amount of time.

In the modern world, it is of course important for women to be financially independent. It is good for power balance and equality in the marriage. Before I departed for Denmark 12 years ago, the parting words of advice that my Finance Director gave to me was, "Elaine, remember this always, you have to be financially independent and have your own job." She wished me well in Denmark. I am very grateful for her advice, and I still do today. She did it really for my good. It is very true of course. So I know full well the risks that SAHMs have taken.

There are trade-offs in life.

If I choose to rest securely in my financial independence, I gain power, respect and recognition from the society, but I do not have so much time with my child to do the simple daily things. I won’t be able to make home-cooked food for my child everyday. When J falls sick (thankfully he hardly does), my whole daily system is close to collapse since I am fully stretched juggling work and family.

Sure, I did manage to do many activities with J even when I was a FTWM, and I am proud of my achievements. I can do it and I have become highly efficient and effective at doing it. And I get the thrill of performing JIT stunts that allowed me to save time. But it is not without cost. I am always juggling. Although we manage somehow, it will be more enjoyable if I do not have such a punishing schedule. (And of course, I am the one who is punishing myself, since I choose to do it all).

We can do a thorough cost-and-benefit analysis of FTWM vs. SAHM, but at the end of the day, the key question boils down to - what kind of memories do you want your children to have of their childhood with you?

It is not even because as SAHM, we can be there for our children to coach them in their school work, although this is a positive by-product of SAHM. Really, it is because as SAHM, we can be there for our children during their growing up years, and as we all know, children grow up at lightning speed.

No doubt, I want J to remember me as a mom who is always there for him, in terms of time. Not just the vacations that we take him to, but the DAILY LIFE that we have together. Not just the expensive toys that we buy for him, but the DAILY ACTIVITIES we do with him.

Some low-income families cannot be with their children, because they have no choice but to take on additional jobs to bring home the bread. Some high-income families too cannot be with their children, because the opportunity cost of letting go of that well-paid  job is just too high.

It is such a difficult decision…

Now I am beginning to understand the wisdom from the Bible when it says that it is a blessing to be neither rich nor poor, but to have just enough:

“…give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread.” Proverbs 30:8

The key point is what kind of memories do I want to make with my child?

No one can have it all. Power, respect and recognition from the world through a well-paid job, or a simple life with lots of time with my child?

I am reflecting on this question currently, and hopefully I won't live my life with regrets about my choice 15 years from now when J is grown up and moves away from home.

Here are some other moms' experiences to provide for a more balanced view point:

http://homeschoolingsonshine.blogspot.dk/search?q=stay+at+home
http://theplayfulparents.com/playful-parent-sarah/
http://ingspirations.com/2010/05/20/why-i-stay-home/
http://www.loveourchildrennow.sg/2011/12/11/whyforth-art-thou-a-sahm/
http://ourlittlesmarties.com/2009/08/5-great-things-about-working-motherhood/
http://www.mamaworkinprogress.com/2013/06/looking-back-on-stay-at-home-motherhood.html
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/grown-and-flown/why-i-regret-being-a-stay-at-home-mom_b_3402691.html

Do Not Underestimate the Value of Housework...

Dear fellow Moms

Do not underestimate the value of so-called "mundane" housework at home. It gives you time to recharge and reflect. And do not allow the world to under value your work.

Stephen Covey teaches that the 7th habit of Highly Effective Families is:

"Sharpening the saw"

And being a part-time working mom allows me time to practise just that :-) Instead of running like a mouse on a treadmill day-in-and-day-out, it allows me more work-life balance, time to think, learn and reflect.

As I am doing the laundry and hanging the clothes for drying at home, I am listening to audio and "sharpening my saw".

And here is what I learned about leadership from the ancient Chinese sage, Lao Tze through Dr. Tan Lai Yong:

Go to the people
Live among them
Love them
Start with what they know
Build on what they have
But for the best leaders, when their task is accomplished, their work is done, the people will remark,

"We have done it ourselves."

Listen to this talk and may your life be enriched :-) :

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DjiMCG3DGKM

Learnings from a Tiger Mom

Since I came back from Singapore, I am troubled with an issue, and I haven't quite know how to deal with it.

JN is failing his Maths terribly. I had a talk with him, I went through with him the steps of how he could logically find out the possible reasons why he is failing his Maths so badly. I said that if you could not do even simple Maths, how are you going to survive in your adult life, because Maths is so much a part of our everyday life? My talk with him did not seem to have any effect. On the contrary, it seemed to have the opposite effect. This has been troubling me and making me sad.

This evening, we had an old friend who is in town from Switzerland over for dinner. He had a PhD from Harvard Business School, and is currently a professor at IMD in Switzerland for innovation. In his daily work, he runs programmes for CEOs and Executives on innovation and strategy. He is of Asian origin. Mr. FECS confided in me that his friend was raised by a Tiger Mom from Hong Kong. Since Mr. FECS has always accused me of being a Tiger Mom, he wanted me to hear first hand from his friend, how horrible it was to be raised by a Tiger Mom, hoping that I will learn from others mistakes and repent.

On my part, I am always very interested in learning from other mom's experience in raising up kids and solving the challenges of parenting. So over dinner, we asked our friend, "So how was it like to be raised by a Tiger Mom?"

Ever so open, he shared his experiences. To our surprise, he said that he had always been at the bottom of his class since primary school days and in secondary school - number 38 out of 40. And he never does well for Maths, even until today. His brain is just not wired for Maths.

He shared how his Tiger Mom stuffed his schedule with activities, even during school holidays. He actually appreciated it. It gave him the chance to try out many different exciting things, i.e. playing the keyboard, swimming, cooking classes, summer camp, wood work, mechanic work, language camps, speech and drama, etc. Although he never did well in Maths, nor in school, his mother enabled him to find success in these other non-academic activities. He could play the keyboard, and he was good in swimming. These non-academic successes gave him his self-worth and helped to compensate for his academic "non-performance."

Although his mother was a "Tiger Mom" in the sense of scheduling activities, she did not give him pressure to perform in school. She just let him try out different activities, and to find out things that he like and could do well.

I commented that his parents must be very well-to-do to be able to send him for these extra activities. He said that was not the case. His father was a factory worker. He said that his parents used all the money they had on all these activities for their two children. They had no savings at all as a result. To this day, he was amazed and very grateful at how much his parents were willing to sacrifice for them. I was very touched to hear his story.

I thanked him for sharing his story, and told him that he had unknowingly answered my questions about my nephew JN. I should not try to ask JN to do better in Maths. JN has probably tried his best, and was discouraged by my "encouragement." I had aim to find out JN's strengths and what he likes, but along the way, I have lost sight of it, and have focused instead on exactly the things that he isn't doing so well. He should be given as much opportunities as possible to try out different activities instead.

We are all gifted in different ways. It is alright to do poorly in Maths. In fact to this day, our IMD professor friend is still very bad in Maths. It is alright not to do well in school. We just have to find something that we are good at and have interest in, and life would be enjoyable. I have to remember that.

Thank you God for an answered prayer, and for sending an angel through our friend to tell me, what it was that was puzzling me and troubling me. I know now what are the next steps I can take to truly encourage JN.

To summarize:

1. I need to continue to try to find out the strengths of JN.
2. I do so by trial and error and elimination.
3. I do so by letting him try out different activities and eliminating each activity, until we find out his strengths.

Articles on Tiger Mom

Here are just some of the interesting articles that I would like to archive...

The Tiger Mom Effect Is Real

http://time.com/88125/the-tiger-mom-effect-is-real-says-large-study/

Motivation found  to come from within an individual in Western families
Asian children find strength in parental expectations
Children can be motivated either way, Stanford team found

http://news.stanford.edu/news/2014/may/asian-european-moms-052014.html

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2637942/Is-Tiger-Mom-better-Researchers-say-western-methods-just-effective.html

http://www.theatlantic.com/education/archive/2014/06/tiger-mom-vs-cool-mom/372070/

Is This the Tiger Mom's Vindication?

http://www.psmag.com/business-economics/vindication-of-the-tiger-mom

http://www.wsj.com/articles/SB10001424052748704111504576059713528698754

Tiger Moms Don't Raise Superior Kids, Says New Study

http://www.forbes.com/sites/susanadams/2013/05/08/tiger-moms-dont-raise-superior-kids-says-new-study/

http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2013/05/_tiger_mom_study_shows_the_parenting_method_doesn_t_work.html

http://www.apadivisions.org/division-7/publications/newsletters/developmental/2013/07/tiger-parenting.aspx

Choose Dolphin Parent over Tiger Mom

http://www.todaysparent.com/family/activities/kids-quitting-activities-dolphin-parent-tiger-mom/

Being an 'Elephant Mom' in the Time of the Tiger Mother

http://www.theatlantic.com/education/archive/2014/12/elephant-mom-timeof-tigermother/383378/

Remembering Mrs. Lee Kuan Yew

Mrs. Lee Kuan Yew (Mdm. Kwa Geok Choo)

She is the late wife of the late ex-Prime Minister of Singapore, Mr. Lee Kuan Yew. I am learning a lot in terms of how to be a mother from her through the speech of our Prime Minister, the eulogies by her husband and her children. I am archiving this for learning and remembering.

Here is an extracts of Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong's speech from Singapore National Day 2008 that gives us a glimpse of what we can learn from her as a mom:

"I remember my own experience. I’m a beneficiary of this. My mother was a lawyer. But every day she came home to have lunch with us. So every day we come home from school, three of us, my mother is there, we have lunch. Nowadays you would call it quality time. This was before people invented such big words. All it meant was she had time for us, we had time to talk to her."

"And it was a tremendous help. She avoided going out at night for functions. She had to go for, accompany my father, but business functions, very seldom. What it meant is less takings as a lawyer, less work, less conveyancing, but she decided her children were more important to her. And she acted on that and I think she was happy with that. And we’re definitely very grateful for that."

Mr. Lee Lee Kuan Yew once said:

“If she weren’t an influence, supposing I had married somebody else, I might have become a different person, not that I would be a different person, but the things that I would have been able to do, the kind of backdrop I would have had, family, support, would have been different.”

Eulogy by Founding Father Mr. Lee Kuan Yew

https://youtu.be/ALmyiNFHOtM

https://youtu.be/K4AS2cvs0LE

Extracts of Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong's speech from Singapore National Day 2008

Eulogy by Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong

Eulogy by Mr Lee Hsien Yang

Eulogy by Dr Lee Wei Ling

Eulogy by Li Shengwu

Eulogy by Li Xiuqi

Useful Links:
http://koppiemama.wordpress.com/2010/10/05/tribute-to-mrs-lee-kuan-yew/

http://daneshd.com/2010/10/

http://mohdazhar.wordpress.com/tag/mrs-lee-kuan-yew/

http://estherwritesat.wordpress.com/2010/10/03/singapores-mrs-lee-kuan-yew-illustrates-the-proverbs-31-woman/

http://www.divaasia.com/article/10910

http://danielyunhx.com/2013/08/09/a-feeling-of-coming-home/
http://rebelliousbuddhist.blogspot.sg/2013/08/one-mans-view-of-afterworld.html

http://news.asiaone.com/News/AsiaOne%2BNews/Singapore/Story/A1Story20101006-240957/4.html

http://www.healthxchange.com.sg/News/Pages/Mourning-my-mother.aspx

http://www.mysinchew.com/node/45920

http://danielyunhx.com/2010/10/03/mrs-lee-kuan-yew-the-lady-by-his-side-a-pioneer-in-her-own-right/

http://reuelwrites.wordpress.com/2010/10/04/r-i-p-mrs-lee-kuan-yew/

http://all4one4all.wordpress.com/2009/12/05/singapore-lee-kwan-yew-on-marriage-and-his-daughter/

http://leesjuanpatworld.blogspot.dk/2010/10/mdm-kwa-geok-choo-mrs-lee-kuan-yew.html

Reflection: Learnings from Sarah Edwards (Part 2)

As I read the story of Sarah Edwards, the amazing wife of Jonathan Edwards... I began to understand this verse from the Bible:

"Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop - a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown." - Matthew 13:8

Her legacy can be traced throughout many generations of descendents after her in the USA:

1 Vice-President of the US
1 controller of the US treasury
3 US senators
3 state governors
3 mayors of large cities 11 college presidents
30 judges
65 professors
66 doctors
80 holders of public office
100 lawyers
100 missionaries
many authors and editors

How did Sarah Edwards "fall" onto the soil?

She did so by dying to herself, by devoting her life and sacrificing her time (thereby foregoing a public career for a private career) for the good of her family.

How does this translate to the modern life?

When we are given the privilege of putting aside our hard-earned degree and career, and wake up everyday to do what seems to be mundane, boring and unglamorous in the eyes of the world... cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, making lunchboxes, driving our kids to their various activities, nursing our children, correcting, disciplining, playing with our children, doing homework with our children, we are dying and sacrificing our lives each day, to give our family and children the best soil to thrive and grow up.

Therefore, dear mommies, do not look down on your work. It has generational impact.

References:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jonathan_Edwards_(theologian) http://www.unlockingthebible.org/jonathan-edwards-leaving-a-godly-legacy/

The Power of the Dining Table

Don't underestimate the power and importance of your dining table.

I am reminded of its importance from the famous and amazing Dutch woman Corrie ten Boom:

"Can a piece of furniture be important? The oval table in our dinning room was the gathering place for hopes and dreams, the listening place for prayers and petitions, and the loving place for joy and laughter." - Corrie ten Boom (Author of the book: In My Father's Hourse - The Years Before the Hiding Place)

However, meal times at our home can sometimes degenerate into this:

J reading his Donald Duck comics, Daddy reading the news on the iPad and me absorbed in the books of amazing biographies of great people... and at the same time eating. When I catch myself and resist the temptation, it is easy for us moms to nag or explode our children and spouse out of this. But the best way is to take it to the Lord and pray and gently coach our family members out of their cocoons... not easy, but the best way.

We are not a perfect family and we don't always achieve it. But the important thing is the progress. Tomorrow is yet another day to try :-)

May our dining table be a place of fond memories years down the road in our family. This is the prayer and goal of our family and may it be everyone's too.

The Power & the Touch of a Mother's Hands

Do not underestimate the significance of your hands... A mother's hands can bring warm memories of childhood, and reading this reminded me of my own mother, who nursed me with her hands when I was a child.

I am inspired... by the book "The Mission of Motherhood" by Sally Clarkson, who poignantly made me realise the power and the touch of a mother's hands and I quote:

"As I look back to the memories of my childhood, a strong image that comes to my mind is that of my mother's loving hands."

During illnesses...

"My memories of (childhood) illnesses... my mother would gently stroke my brow as she talked softly or told me stories and gave me her full attention."

While reading...

"As a young child, sitting next to her in a big children's book. Her fingers would point to the enticing, heart-delighting pictures and turn the pages of the large volumes as we leisurely sat together and talked and read."

Conquering fear...

"...when I was having recurring nightmare... I remember the comfort of my mother's hands when she came to my bedside. She would take my hand in hers as she knelt to pray with me, soothing away my fears and comforting me as she entreated God to take all of my bad thoughts away." 

During church service...

"...when I fidgeted in church services, I remember my mother's hands massaging my own, pulling and squeezing each of my fingers as she quietly played finger games with me." 

Oh may I be the kind of mom who holds my child with such loving and thoughtful hands.

List of Great Moms Past and Present

There is a lot of learning to do to be a mom, yet, no university offers a degree on how to be an effective mom. There is no formal preparation for a career as a mom, unlike a career in many other fields.

It is not easy being a mom. We can get discouraged, drained and disheartened at times. We need inspiration from someone who has been there and can show the way, leading us by their examples.

In my journey as a mom, I am researching and looking up to those great moms of the past and present. I want to learn from them - their experiences, their successes, their mistakes and failures.  Thus, I am making a list of great moms. Among them are:

1. Sarah Edwards

She is the wife of Jonathan Edwards, a great theologian in American history. She personifies the perfect wife and mother in Proverbs 31:10-31. I have written a post about her here.

Epilogue: The Wife of Noble Character

10 [b]A wife of noble character who can find?
    She is worth far more than rubies.
11 Her husband has full confidence in her
    and lacks nothing of value.
12 She brings him good, not harm,
    all the days of her life.
13 She selects wool and flax
    and works with eager hands.
14 She is like the merchant ships,
    bringing her food from afar.
15 She gets up while it is still night;
    she provides food for her family
    and portions for her female servants.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
    out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17 She sets about her work vigorously;
    her arms are strong for her tasks.
18 She sees that her trading is profitable,
    and her lamp does not go out at night.
19 In her hand she holds the distaff
    and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
20 She opens her arms to the poor
    and extends her hands to the needy.
21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
    for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
22 She makes coverings for her bed;
    she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is respected at the city gate,
    where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
    and supplies the merchants with sashes.
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;
    she can laugh at the days to come.
26 She speaks with wisdom,
    and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
27 She watches over the affairs of her household
    and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise and call her blessed;
    her husband also, and he praises her:
29 “Many women do noble things,
    but you surpass them all.”
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
    but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
31 Honor her for all that her hands have done,
    and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

2. Mdm. Kwa Geok Choo

She is the wife of the late ex-Prime Minister of Singapore, Mr. Lee Kuan Yew. I am learning a lot from the speech of our Prime Minister, from the eulogy by her husbands and her children. She is not perfect, as we can see from the eulogies given to her. Her imperfection brought me comfort for my own imperfections. But she is an amazing woman and mom, and there are a lot that I can learn and draw inspiration from:

Extracts of Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong's speech from Singapore National Day 2008

"I remember my own experience. I’m a beneficiary of this. My mother was a lawyer. But every day she came home to have lunch with us. So every day we come home from school, three of us, my mother is there, we have lunch. Nowadays you would call it quality time. This was before people invented such big words. All it meant was she had time for us, we had time to talk to her."

"And it was a tremendous help. She avoided going out at night for functions. She had to go for, accompany my father, but business functions, very seldom. What it meant is less takings as a lawyer, less work, less conveyancing, but she decided her children were more important to her. And she acted on that and I think she was happy with that. And we’re definitely very grateful for that."

Eulogy by Founding Father Mr. Lee Kuan Yew

Eulogy by Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong

Eulogy by Mr Lee Hsien Yang

Eulogy by Dr Lee Wei Ling

Eulogy by Li Shengwu

Eulogy by Li Xiuqi

3. Mary Maxwell Gates

Mary Maxwell Gates is the mother of Bill Gates. This is what's written about her, which inspired me:

"My mother, who was filled with pride the day I was admitted here-never stopped pressing me to do more for others. A few days before my wedding, she hosted a bridal event, at which she read aloud a letter about marriage that she had written to Melinda. My mother was very ill with cancer at the time, but she saw one more opportunity to deliver her message, and at the close of the letter she said: “From those to whom much is given, much is expected. - (Luke 12:48)” ~Harvard University, 2007"

Source: http://www.forbes.com/pictures/eimh45ehjl/bill-gates-from-those-to-whom-much-is-given-much-is-expected/

You can read more about her here:

http://www.forbes.com/pictures/eimh45ehjl/bill-gates-from-those-to-whom-much-is-given-much-is-expected/

http://www.wsj.com/articles/SB124061372413054653

http://community.seattletimes.nwsource.com/archive/?date=19940610&slug=1914904

https://books.google.dk/books?id=ubYgIB0TgUYC&pg=PA62&lpg=PA62&dq=bill+gates+mother&source=bl&ots=9TF9c7TVQA&sig=KE0olNuyY555X-wiBmvsH4AG55I&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0CKkBEOgBMBlqFQoTCMTLxbn95ccCFcf-LAodYx4Jqg#v=onepage&q=bill%20gates%20mother&f=false

4. Kristine Barnett

A great mom who did not give up on her son, who doctors said would never talk, but gave her all and persevered on... A good reminder to all of us whose kids are labelled with autism, ADHD, etc. There is a purpose for every child, we just need to find it and affirm it, instead of trying to change our child.

This is a story of how we can build self-motivation in our child. We need to focus on what they are interested in and nuture that.

You can read more about her story here:

5. Josh McDowell

I have included a man here, because there may be readers who are father, also because there are things I can learn from him as a mom. I am reading his book called "The Father Connection: How You Can Make The Difference In Your Child's Self-Esteem and Sense of Purpose". It is available from Amazon:

6. Michelle

You can read her blog Joyful Heart.

7. Joy Foley

She provides many inspirations on my journey in motherhood. You can read her blog Grace Full Mama.

8. Christina Fox

You can read her blog To Show Them Jesus.

9. My own mother

Though my mum is a very simple woman and has not much education, my own mum's devotion and love for my father and our family, giving her all without any complaints is a source of inspiration to me.

For example, she will without fail make dinner everyday. She worked tirelessly around the house with three kids cheerfully. Even though I have a long education and a Master degree, and in the eyes of the world, I am seen more accomplished, but in so many aspects, I could not hold a candle to her.

I will come back to this list to update it from time-to-time. If you know of any great moms in the past or present, it would be great if you could share your experience.

10. May Oh

https://4wordwomen.org/one-womans-tale-to-having-it-all/

A Mom's Learning from Sarah Edwards (Part 1)

As I read the story of Sarah Edwards, the wife of Jonathan Edwards... I began to understand this verse from the Bible:

"Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop - a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown." - Matthew 13:8

Sarah Edwards is an amazing woman who placed integrity and Christ above everything else in her life. As a mom, she has raised her children well, so well, that her legacy can be traced throughout many generations of descendants after her in USA:

1 Vice-President of the US
1 controller of the US treasury
3 US senators
3 state governors
3 mayors of large cities
11 college presidents
30 judges
65 professors
66 doctors
80 holders of public office
100 lawyers
many authors and editors

No, not that I have the ambition to raise the next Prime Minister of Denmark or Singapore (but I would like to raise a child who has the ideal qualities of being a Prime Minister). My aim is not that J will "出人头地" (a Chinese expression best translated into English as to make one's mark or to  stand out among fellow human beings). 

However, I am inspired by Sarah Edwards and the seriousness she placed on the high calling of motherhood. One can clearly see the benefits that came out from raising emotionally healthy children who have empathy for others from Sarah Edwards' life and example, and the descendants that came after her, although that should not be THE end goal on its own.

Whatever God's calling is for J, raising an emotionally whole and healthy child will help J to have the right heart to step into God's calling for his life.

The Bible says:

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." (Matthew 6:33)

Now that I have taken the step to scale down on career and up on motherhood, I am looking forward to read these books and get more insights on what I can learn from Sarah Edwards as a mom:

I made a post here from a now-deleted blog of motherhood and Sarah Edwards.

References:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jonathan_Edwards_(theologian)
http://www.christianity.com/church/church-history/timeline/1701-1800/sarah-pierpont-married-jonathan-edwards-11630206.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Esther_Edwards
https://www.unlockingthebible.org/jonathan-edwards-leaving-a-godly-legacy/