Just my thoughts...

Career as a mom is so short. Of all the careers in the world, career as a mom is probably one of the shortest. You only have one shot at it. Give your very best. Savor every moment of it. Treasure it with all your heart.

What Kind of Memory You Want to Leave Behind as a Mom?

I have so few pictures of my time together with my mum as I was growing up,
but the fond memores stayed in my mind.
This is one of the rare pictures of my mum bringing my brother and me to Botanica Gardens,
and I took part in a drawing competition (my broher wasn't interested)
Needless to say, I didn't win anything, but that wasn't important.
What was important was that I was with my mum, and we did things together.
Btw, the girl in green, wow, she was good in her art, and it was really beautiful. She was one of the winners.
In this picture, I was the girl in the red dress, and my mum was the one in the strip T-shirt and blue pants.

How do you want to make memories with your children?

My question is not how do you want your children to remember you, but how do you want to make memories with your children?

The difference with the former and the latter is time.

Your child can remember you with love and respect, but you might still not have made memories with your child.

For example, I know of someone who remembers his mum with love and respect, but there is not much shared memories with her. His mum was a Full-Time Working Mom (FTWM).

So, what kind of memory do I want J to remember, when he leaves home? How much of me will he have of his childhood memories? If so, would it be fond memories?

When I think of my own childhood, I have fond memories of my mum making lunch and dinner in the kitchen for the family, everyday without fail. Images of my brother, sister and I sitting at the table having dinner flashed back, and flooded my heart with warmth. My mum cooked the food laboriously. She cooked it with love. She cooked it diligently.

When I fell sick, I had fond memories of my mum being there to nurse me throughout the night. My mum could do so, because she did not have to wake up to go to work the following day.

Although my mum could not help me with English, Maths or Science, she helped me with Chinese. When I recall my childhood, I recall my mum giving me 听写  (Chinese spelling). I used to get the range of 90% to 100% marks in the Chinese examinations throughout my primary school. The high Chinese standard I obtained was all thanks to my mum.

I have fond memories of my mum bringing me to swimming classes, reading her newspapers while waiting for my brother and me to finish our class.

Mid-Autumn Festival event organised by the Holland Village CC.
From right: My brother, me and my best childhood friend, Meimei

I have fond memories of going to the NTUC supermarket with my mum to buy groceries. I recall going to the wet-market with my mum every morning to buy vegetables and meat.

Looking back, my mum was there for us children. I have never doubted my mother’s love for me. I rested securely in her love, and still do today, although with age... our roles have reversed.

My mum could do all these for the family and me, because she was a Stay-At-Home Mom (SAHM). My mum did not have much education. So the opportunity cost of going out to work was very low. She would not be giving up a high salary.

And me as a mom today?

Cooking dinner is a struggle for me everyday. I can make it. But I am in a survival mode, because I am operating on Just-In-Time (JIT) concept. Sure, I can choose to buy take-away dinner. Sure, we can eat in restaurants everyday if we choose to. Sure, we can even have a maid to delegate cooking and ironing (we already have cleaning help). But is this the kind of memories I want to leave behind?

Just packets of take-away dinner on the table? (Sure, I can put it onto nice plates which I do, but it is not the same.) Always stressing to make it home on time after work? Always rushing so that we can have a bed time that will allow me to wake up in time for work the following day?

I asked Mr. FECS, what kind of childhood memory he has of his mum?

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Not much. No doubt, he respects his mum and love her. But there wasn't much memories of doing things together. His mum was a FTWM. It is a matter of priorities, given the same amount of time.

In the modern world, it is of course important for women to be financially independent. It is good for power balance and equality in the marriage. Before I departed for Denmark 12 years ago, the parting words of advice that my Finance Director gave to me was, "Elaine, remember this always, you have to be financially independent and have your own job." She wished me well in Denmark. I am very grateful for her advice, and I still do today. She did it really for my good. It is very true of course. So I know full well the risks that SAHMs have taken.

There are trade-offs in life.

If I choose to rest securely in my financial independence, I gain power, respect and recognition from the society, but I do not have so much time with my child to do the simple daily things. I won’t be able to make home-cooked food for my child everyday. When J falls sick (thankfully he hardly does), my whole daily system is close to collapse since I am fully stretched juggling work and family.

Sure, I did manage to do many activities with J even when I was a FTWM, and I am proud of my achievements. I can do it and I have become highly efficient and effective at doing it. And I get the thrill of performing JIT stunts that allowed me to save time. But it is not without cost. I am always juggling. Although we manage somehow, it will be more enjoyable if I do not have such a punishing schedule. (And of course, I am the one who is punishing myself, since I choose to do it all).

We can do a thorough cost-and-benefit analysis of FTWM vs. SAHM, but at the end of the day, the key question boils down to - what kind of memories do you want your children to have of their childhood with you?

It is not even because as SAHM, we can be there for our children to coach them in their school work, although this is a positive by-product of SAHM. Really, it is because as SAHM, we can be there for our children during their growing up years, and as we all know, children grow up at lightning speed.

No doubt, I want J to remember me as a mom who is always there for him, in terms of time. Not just the vacations that we take him to, but the DAILY LIFE that we have together. Not just the expensive toys that we buy for him, but the DAILY ACTIVITIES we do with him.

Some low-income families cannot be with their children, because they have no choice but to take on additional jobs to bring home the bread. Some high-income families too cannot be with their children, because the opportunity cost of letting go of that well-paid  job is just too high.

It is such a difficult decision…

Now I am beginning to understand the wisdom from the Bible when it says that it is a blessing to be neither rich nor poor, but to have just enough:

“…give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread.” Proverbs 30:8

The key point is what kind of memories do I want to make with my child?

No one can have it all. Power, respect and recognition from the world through a well-paid job, or a simple life with lots of time with my child?

I am reflecting on this question currently, and hopefully I won't live my life with regrets about my choice 15 years from now when J is grown up and moves away from home.

Here are some other moms' experiences to provide for a more balanced view point:

http://homeschoolingsonshine.blogspot.dk/search?q=stay+at+home
http://theplayfulparents.com/playful-parent-sarah/
http://ingspirations.com/2010/05/20/why-i-stay-home/
http://www.loveourchildrennow.sg/2011/12/11/whyforth-art-thou-a-sahm/
http://ourlittlesmarties.com/2009/08/5-great-things-about-working-motherhood/
http://www.mamaworkinprogress.com/2013/06/looking-back-on-stay-at-home-motherhood.html
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/grown-and-flown/why-i-regret-being-a-stay-at-home-mom_b_3402691.html

Lessons I Learned from My Grandmothers

This picture of granny and me was taken on a ferry trip to Kushu Island.

Whenever I see Milo in the Singapore Supermarket or drink Milo, I will think of my grannny. I stayed with her during the school holidays when I was a child. Once I was hungry at night. She got up and made me a cup of Milo. A very simple gesture, but I remembered it so well, the whole scene.

When I think of making memories with my child and my grandchild, I think I have learned something from both my grannies. Taking care of the child is what a child will remember, and what really created bonding. Don't delegate diaper changing, feeding, etc. to others such as maids. Do it myself. Don't just play with children and do the fun things. It is meeting the physical needs that bonding takes place.

God in His wisdom created babies totally helpless with every need. I think it is because in meeting a baby and a child's physical needs, real bonding and gratitude takes place.

My grannies took care of me. That bonded me to them. This is something I want to bear in mind, if I one day I become a grandmother.

Cost-&-Benefit Analysis of FTWM vs. SAHM

The following are the advantages and disadvantages of FTWM and SAHM in my context.

Advantages of FTWM:
1. I stay in-touch with the latest cutting edge technology
2. I keep the employer contribution's part of my pension, which is 2:1 of what I am contributing, which I will lose if I am in less than 15 years of service. If I quit, this means that I am losing my hard-earned savings for the past 8 years!!!
3. I reduce the pressure off Daddy from being the sore bread-winner of the family and spread the risk in different baskets.
4. I get a break from being a 24/7 mom.
5. J gets exposed to other adults other than just me.
6. I learn to become highly efficient and productive with the limited time I have, which I might take it easy and waste it anyway if I am SAHM.
7. I have a decent income and can buy expensive educational toys without batting an eyelid.
8. I have a professional network, apart from being a mom (which ironically I currently have no time to spend with).
9. I have a job that others envy.
10. I gain respect from the Danish community, my in-laws and family.

Disadvantages of FTWM:
1. I am not there in the daily life of J, taking long walk, making meals for him, teaching him how to tie shoelaces, smelling the roses, watching ants, chatting, etc. etc. without watching my watch.
2. I am always juggling and in JIT survival mode.

Advantages of SAHM:
1. With more time, I can be a better mom, a better wife, a better daughter and a better friend.
2. I can be there for J during his childhood taking long walk, making meals for him, teaching him how to tie shoelaces, smelling the roses, watching ants, chatting, etc. etc. without watching my watch.
3. I can have more time for the other child, I mean Daddy.
4. I am able to bring J to swimming, piano, dancing class, tennis and football.
5. I can make proper lesson plans in Maths, Science, English, Chinese, Geography and Music.
6. I can dive deep into the research that I all along would like to do in the area of parenting, child development, brain development and learn along with J in his schooling.
7. I have more time to attend to home management.
8. I have more time to plan our vacation (but maybe no more excess money for vacation, and thus no need to plan vacation anymore)
9. I have more time to exercise.
10. I can attend to my parents and family in Singapore on a more frequent basis.
11. I don't have to bring home problems from the workplace.

Disadvantages of SAHM:
1. I might drive J nuts with my presence (read: expectations), if I am home with him.
2. Loss of income and my pension for the last 8 years.
3. I become part of the Danish unemployed statistics (even though being a mom is a 24/7 employment - just thankless and unpaid!!!) and have to brave myself from such self-esteem blows.
4. I have not much professional insights to talk about at cocktail and dinner parties (but then again, my profession is a mom, so what if that topic bores others to death, it is just their loss!)
5. The longer I am away from the work market, the harder it is to re-enter it. I may will have to accept this fact.
6. Our famiy will be more vulnerable in the changing globalization work market, as there is just one sole bread-winner.

Yes, now I have done my Cost-&-Benefit Analysis (CBA), but what is the conclusion?

There is no right or wrong choice. Every family's situation is different. Every person is different. It depends on what we value, as we all value different things in life. It also depends on what we find passionate about. For some moms, it will actually do their children good, if they go to work.

It all sounds so good on paper, the C&B analysis for FTWM, and it seems that it gives the best of both worlds, and it is doable. Having your cake and eat it. I am in the situation now, and how do I feel? I have all the advantages of FTWM now, but I don't get the feeling of fulfillment, but the feeling that I am short-changing things, short-changing everything.

If I do well at work, I slacken my standards at home. If I do well at home, I slacken my standards with my marriage. If I do well with my marriage, I slacken my standards with J. If I do well with J, I slacken my standards at work (and even then I can proudly say that I am still more productive than many in the quality of work I produce). If I do well in all, I fall sick from the lack of sleep. (Ok, I hear you, that I should lower down my standards in all areas- work, family, marriage, parenting and being a mom)

I am constantly going on a merry-go-round - making ít overall well and good. Looking very good indeed really, but who can see my inner struggles, my longing to be more with J, more time for Daddy, more time for my mum in Singapore, more time for my loved ones, more time to pursue my interests. The world only looks at the success outside. I seriously wonder how many FTWMs out there are really honest, especially those FTWMs blogs that I read, who seem to be able to have it all. Perhaps I am just not capable enough as a FTWM, and thus I stand at cross-road and have to make a choice.

FTWM looks like an intelligent choice, but SAHM allows me to spend time with people - both loved ones and people in need. To be there.

How I want to be remembered by J when he grows up and thinks back of his childhood and the things we did together as well as the things I did for him?

Providing a driver to bring J to activities or doing this personally?
Providing a maid to cook for J and us or cooking meals myself?
Providing a maid to clean for J, or teaching him how to clean and doing it together and leading a normal life?

At this point, I don't envy the royalty. They don't get a chance to live a normal life. They don't get a chance to raise their own kids, at least not in the olden days. Their pincelings are raised by others. Come to think of it - aren't all of us today modern day royalty, as we have all delegated our child-raising and practical life chores to maids, especially in Singapore? That's not what I want. I want to do these normal things myself, with my child, and through it grow together with my child. I don't get to do all this in a posh office - my royal palace.

When the journey's end, what's important? People isn't it?

Now that I have done my CBA, I am no more wiser than before.

If I follow my head, I will choose FTWM.
If I follow my heart, I will choose SAHM.

I will park my CBA here, ponder over it and come back to update it.

I will pray for God's wisdom to know what's best for my family and myself as a mom.

Here are some experiences from other mothers:
http://www.hellobee.com/2011/12/05/role-play/
http://homeschoolingsonshine.blogspot.dk/search?q=stay+at+home
http://theplayfulparents.com/playful-parent-sarah/
http://ingspirations.com/2010/05/20/why-i-stay-home/
http://www.loveourchildrennow.sg/2011/12/11/whyforth-art-thou-a-sahm/
http://ourlittlesmarties.com/2009/08/5-great-things-about-working-motherhood/
http://www.mamaworkinprogress.com/2013/06/looking-back-on-stay-at-home-motherhood.html
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/grown-and-flown/why-i-regret-being-a-stay-at-home-mom_b_3402691.html

Thinking-Out-Loud

Someone said to me that as moms, we should also have time apart from being a mom and have our own time and our own life to pursue our hobbies and leisure. According to her, it is so nice that she is going to work and time at work is an escape from being a mom for a moment. That's very good for her. She has found her balance.

I think hard about it. That's very true. We need to have time to pursuit our own hobbies, passion and leisure. I have to be true to myself.

If so, I will have to be a SAHM.

Precisely so that I can have my own time and my own life. And that is what I want for my time and for my life. Because stripping to the core, my passion, hobby and what I find most engaging is - being a mom.

If I could choose to pursue my next level of professional development, what subject specialization would I choose? It will be a PhD. And I will choose to do a PhD in parenting, child development and child psychology. I will choose to do a PhD in being a mom. Incidentally, this is also how I tagline my blog three years ago - Acquiring a life-long PhD in cross-cultural home-making.

That is really what I really want to do, if I have a choice, yet it is such a difficult choice. It is hard to serve two masters.

If I may be allowed to borrow from the Bible:

"No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money." - Matthew 6:24

I love my job very much, and I am passionate about my work. It is hard to devote myself to the service of more than one. I want to give my whole heart to being a mom, but my energy is divided as a FTWM. It is hard to switch off from working on exciting projects and to come home on time. It is of course a matter of discipline, and I need to improve on it.

Do I have the courage to follow my heart to pursue the one true thing in my life that I want to do?

I am still thinking...

What Produces Self-Motivation?

What is self-motivation?

Ever seen a baby so self-motivated to learn to walk? I have experienced it with J. What a joy it was.

This is usually lost by the time the child is 4 years old, especially in developed and affluence countries like Singapore and Denmark. I am afraid that I am seeing this happening in J too.

There is a lot of western theories on how to encourage self-motivation amongst are:

1. Child-led (Montessori concept)
2. Give your child freedom to decide
3. Do not make it too orderly and structured
4. Do not teach your child anything too soon, before he or she shows interest

I have seen a lot of real life examples, but I don't think that it really encourages self-motivation, at least not in the programme featuring the Danish students - out of a class of 25, only 2-3 students are self-motivated. The rest chose to play, come late and disrupt classes.

Another case in point, the experimental Hellerup Skole set up approx. 10 years ago is characterized by freedom and the lack of partitions has one of the lowest grade in the wealthy county in Denmark.

My Chinese friend in DK attributed to her teaching her daughter, A, too soon to write, and that she has lost interest, when the Danish kindergarten finally start. But I think it is mainly due to her lack of expectations.

I have written a post on the Chinese Education System.

What impressed me the most is not the discipline and the order, but the amount of self-motivation the whole class of Chinese students showed. The whole class of them.

Are they characterized by being child-led? No.

Freedom to come and go to class? No

The students not taught too many things too soon? No, in fact, it is a total opposite. Loads of curriculum cramped into a year's work, especially Maths.

So what produces self-motivation?

Maturity perhaps.

The class of Chinese students came across as very matured and sensible.

What produces maturity?

It leads me thinking...

It is hardship... I think

Maria Montessori achieved great success with "The Children House". But let us not forget - the children she had probably had a great deal of self-motivation already. What they lacked were resources, and she came and she gave it to them. The children in Maria Montessori's Children House were the poor, the less privileged, neglected by the society. In other words, these children had experienced for themselves tremendous hardship. When Maria Montessori came, they were hungry for all the knowledge, learning and activities that she was ready to impart.

How did Singapore reach the level of affluence it is today?

It was once a poor country poorer than the poorest African countries in the 1960s.

Our pioneers must have developed a lot of self-motivation through all the hardship they experienced first-hand that matured them. Some Many sadly did not survive under such extreme hardship. (The success of Singapore was also bought with a high price - human price).

Perhaps life in Denmark and Singapore are too good and soft now... Comforters, sweets, cakes, Nintendo, iPad, all come free and easy and is an everyday affair.

I think I might try something to encourage self-motivation in J.

And I think here is what making J soft and lacking self-motivation compared to the Chinese kids... we travel in style (relatively speaking), in comfortable hotels with nice bathroom, in cars, in planes. We eat in restaurants. We shopped for the latest gadgets... because we ourselves as parents have become soft. These things come easy to J, without him having to earn a penny for it.

I have to convince Daddy to forego the luxury... and myself too.

We are thinking of going to Australia for our next trip. But I will now make a priority to discuss with Daddy to change plan to visit Africa and China instead to see the amount of hardship people face there.

I will try to enrol him into a "hardship"camp with other children less fortunate than him.