There’s a silver lining in everything that happens...

 

Aaawww…. so nice to have clean hair yet once again 🥰

There’s a silver lining in everything that happens…

We just have to look for it… and we will find it :-)

We discover that Daddy FECS can be a very good shampoo boy - next career change :-)

And that Little FECS can be a very sweet, caring and fun nanny to Baby FECS (just not the most safe one though.

In the midst of excruciating pain (especially in the beginning), there is so much joy and enjoyment, if one looks deep enough.

A joy that doesn’t depend on how pain-free we are, how affluence we are, how much material comfort we have, how many achievements we have made, how free we are. A joy that can only come from God. 

And just two days ago, I avoided yet another serious accident totally scalded free!!! How could it be that I went scalded free!!!! The thought of this potential accident sent cold sweat down my spine. The angels were there and shielded me, it must be (God knows just how much injuries I can take. God doesn’t give us what we cannot bear ❤️)

I have just learned, in the midst of sufferings, there are so many blessings that only God can bring that money and intelligence can’t buy. We just have to look deep enough. Bad things cannot take away the love God bestows on us.

I want to remember this lesson. I have to remember this lesson. I have painstakingly recorded this down.

Twice in a row, God brought me these verses in the span of the last two days - first in Chinese, then in English on two different occasions - God sure knows what my heart language is :-))

What are You trying to tell me, God? Here I am, God, I am listening:

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” - Romans 8:39

“因为我深信无论是死、是生，是天使、是鬼魔，是现在的事、是将来的事， 是高天之上的、是大地深处的或是其他受造之物，都不能使我们与上帝在主基督耶稣里赐下的爱分离。” - 罗马书 8:38-39

No matter how incapable I think I am and how sinful I am, God loves me. He sent His Son to die for me, settling my debts once and for all, and all these does not depend on my performance. I am deeply loved by God. He has answered me.

I hold it close to my heart. I want to remember these days. When sufferings press in, God presses in even more.

Oh God, You are so good, all the time ❤️

 

You have a name. Your name is Jesus. I am so so glad to have found You ❤️ 

好疼，好疼呀，被神疼爱的疼 :-)

Why Do Bad Things Happen? And Why Are There Sufferings in This World?

 

This is a question I have pondered and asked myself from time to time and does not always have a satisfactory answer… until today.

But now I have a personal understanding of it and have it answered right deep in my heart. I want to remember this learning.

It’s because certain good thing can only happen when bad things happen.

It’s because love can only truly come through when bad things happen.

We may not fully understand why so many bad things and sufferings are happening in this world. But today I understood it and settled it. Thank you God for this glimpse into Your thought and for this understanding that was made personal.

God’s ways are not our ways. His ways are higher than our ways. His thoughts are higher than our thought. But it will always be for good, even if at the moment, we can’t see it.

Good things can come out of bad things. God has a purpose for it.

God in His wisdom allow bad things to happen.

So many blessings that come our way. O Lord I thank you.

My God, my God, my real and living God. You have a name. Your name is Jesus. Thank you for answering me ❤️

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” - Romans 8:28

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

    neither are your ways my ways,”

declares the Lord.

9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,

    so are my ways higher than your ways

    and my thoughts than your thoughts.” - Isaiah 55:8-9 

“How great is Your goodness, which You have laid up for those who fear You, which You have prepared for those who trust in You.” - Psalm 31:19

“我们知道，上帝使万事互相效力，使那些爱上帝，就是上帝按自己的旨意呼召的人得益处。” - 罗马书 8:28

“8 耶和华说：“我的意念并非你们的意念，

我的道路并非你们的道路。

9 正如天高过地，

我的道路也高过你们的道路，

我的意念也高过你们的意念。” - 以赛亚书 55:8-9

“你的恩惠何其大——为敬畏你的人而预备，在世人面前赐给投靠你的人。” - 诗篇 31:19

Reflection on the Goals of First Half Year 2021...

It’s June. Half a year has passed...

As I reflected over the goals I have set for myself during our family time on New Year’s Eve, one of it is to be a more encouraging mom and wife, in order to build my kids up, to build my hubby up and to build my family up, and I haven’t done so well. Very often I get upset. I get fluttered. I am not considerate and not creating peace at home.

This morning, the kids woke up earlier than me. This means I won’t be able to read the Bible (and there are many days like that).

Our Little FECS said to me, “Mommy, it’s better that you go and read the Bible first. It’s important that you spend time with God first. You are sweeter and nicer after you have spend quiet time with God. The day goes better. I can take care of little sister.”

So today I humble myself before God to ask for his help to achieve my goal to be a loving mom and wife. Give me your perspective  O God, I can’t do it with my own strength. I shouldn’t give up on my goal and God in His loving kindness would not forget it. If I come near to me, He will come near to me. Thank you God for your wisdom. God’s forgiveness is new every morning.

“But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.” - James 3:18 

C Summary (4Y6M8D): I Want to be a Good Mom

On the way home, our 4 yaer old daughter suddenly told me, "Mommy, when I grows up, I want to be a good mom. I want to have two kids, a boy and a girl. The boy will be 11 years old and the girl will be 4 years old. And when they are naughty, I will give them time-out."

Aaahhh... our Baby FECS is so cute... so innocent, so simple and so so cute. I couldn't resist and gave her a tight hug and kiss at that moment. In the midst of this cute conversation with her, it also made me reflect deeply, how keenly I am made aware of how much of an influence I have on her, how much she is observing me, and looking up to me. Yet so often, I am not the best model as a mom. Countless times I have torn down things down with my own words and actions.

Dear God, in life, please let me be a helper that builds my husband up, please let me be a channel that builds my family up. I can't do it with my own strength. Please cover all the wrongs I have done and let it not affect our children."

Tomorrow is a new day to re-set and start again, with the grace that God provides. I am back to the school of life to learn again how to be a good mom.

Proverbs 14:1 "A wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down."

在回家的路上小女儿突然对我说：“妈妈，我长大后要当一个好妈妈，我要有两个孩子，一男一女，男的11岁，女的4岁。要是我的孩子坏蛋的话，我就会给他们timeout。”

在这可爱的对话中也让我深思了。我的一举一动，小女儿都紧紧得在观察着向着我看齐。这真让我深深地体会到什么叫做妈妈对孩子们的影响力是多么大的。这重大的责任，我很多时候都没办法做好。

主啊，在我的生命里，请您让我做我的先生身旁的好帮手，让我做我的家庭身边的好帮手。请您淹盖我一切的过错，不要让它们影响到我的孩子们。

我会再接再厉继续努力，继续上课学习做个好妈妈。

”智慧妇人，建立家室；愚妄妇人，亲手拆毁。” 箴言14:1

Reflection on What Love Is

 

Love bears all things. Love endures all things. Love never fails.

This is the love we have and will have for our children, even when they are rude, even when they are unreasonable, or even if they desert us in our old age, we will never disown our own kids.

Love bears all things. Love endures all things. Love never fails.

This is the kind of love we should give to our spouse.

Our greatest need isn’t to be loved. Our greatest need is to learn how to love.

Learning to love our children teaches us how to love our spouse, even when we are at times not very lovable, even when the going gets tough in the daily grit of life.

Thank you dear for loving me when I am as unlovable as our children do with us, sometimes, often.

This is how I want to love you back in return too, never taking each other for granted.
Life is short. Teach us to number our days, oh Lord.

Love bears all things. Love endures all things. Love never fails.

Till death do us part.

This is true love ❤️

P.S. This imperfect heart shape is drawn with much care and attention by Baby FECS at the preschool as she learns how to hold the pencil to draw. It’s out-of-shape, beaten perhaps, but she is very proud of it. It signifies the precious love between two very imperfect people that only God can make possible. It endures through the storms of what life may throw at us.

Acts 20:24 - What We Put into Life is More Important than What We Get Out of It.

"However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me - the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace." - Acts 20:24

Commentary from the Life Application Bible:

"We often feel that life is a failure unless we're getting a lot out of it: recognition, fun, money, money, success. But Paul considered life worth nothing unless he used it for God's work. What he put into life was far more important than what he got out. Which is more important to you - what you get out of life, or what you put into it?"

During my QT (quiet time) with God today, Acts 20:24 spoke to me.

What is the task that God put into my life right now? Besides sharing the gospel, which is the task of every Christian, that's motherhood for me right now. And motherhood can come with all the mandane tasks that makes life feel unfruitful and unproductive.

I remembered, when Baby FECS was a baby, I struggled with that. I get nothing done in a day. The day was just filled with cycles of feeding, changing diapers and putting Baby FECS to nap. It is a little better now, but still feels unproductive. It feels like time is just spent getting Baby FECS home from day care and home is chaotic at dinner time. And before I know, dinner time is over and the day is over. And I feel like I have not achieved much, nor gotten much out of a day. And I can feel lousy that I have ended a day with nothing much accomplished.

God has reminded me through this verse that what I put into life (e.g. changing diapers, cooking, etc.) is more important than what I get out of life (e.g. planning and going on a fun trip for my family, written an article or blog post, learning a new course, completing a home project, getting recognition and making career, etc.)

Recently, I took a strength test offered by our HR at work that will help our career development. One of my strengths according to the result is Achiever. The report reads:

"Your Achiever theme helps explain your drive.... It is very likely that you possess the physical and mental endurance needed to spend hours studying, reading, or researching... By nature, you can mentally zero in on tasks for hours at a time when you have a goal to reach. You feel as if every day starts at zero. By the end of the day you must achieve something tangible in order to feel good about yourself. And by "every day" you mean every single day - workdays, weekends, vacations. No matter how much you may feel you deserve a dy of rest, if the day passes without some form of achievement, no matter how small, you will feel dissatisfied... Your relentless need for achievement might not be logical... But it will always be with you. As an Achiever you must learn to live with this whisper of discontent. 

It so describes me and helps me to understand myself better. It helps me to understand why I have this feeling of lousiness when the day ended not very productive seen from my perspective. It helps me to understand why I can't really implement a "Do nothing day" that some mommy posts advocate as a fun one-to-one time with children, even though I tried. It helps me to undersand how I can drive my family crazy by constantly putting more onto our "plates."

Of course, my "achiever" strength is also one of my major weaknesses.

God through today's QT has taught me that sometimes what we put into life is more important than what we get out of it. I need to learn how to re-define what a "successul" day is. A successful day can be a day that all I do is changing diapers and putting Baby FECS to nap. No time for Montessori activity, piano practice for Our Little FECS, or visiting a museum or going to a festival and that is also ok.

Also, I am reminded that I shouldn't feel bad putting in so much, even if I don't see the returns or rewards. In the area of parenting, for example, for the umpteen time, we told our kids not to do certain things, or to do certain things, and for the umpteen time, they forget or don't follow. I shouldn't feel that all my efforts are wasted. Our kids may not turn out as what we like them to be, but what we put in defines the success, not what we get out of it. We put in all the effort to train them in character-building and the rest we have to leave it to God. So what we put in is more important than what we get out of it.

While, I don't think I am going to be able to learn this lesson overnight, but it is at least a good start with the bit of clarity that God has given to me in this area of my life :-)

The 3 C’s of a Great Marriage

I chanced upon this article and I am summarizing it as a way for me to digest it and apply it. Indeed, God is reminding me the importance of communication and conflict management. I can't say that I have mastered these skills to perfection... I am still a work-in-progress... it is humbling to realize that... but our God is a good and great and kind God. He comes alongside us, help us in our weaknessess, cheer us on in our journey of continuous character development...

The three critical ingredients of a great marriage:

1. C - Commitment
2. C - Communication
3. C - Conflict Management

1. Commitment

• True love in marriage is not based on just emotional feelings. Emotional feelings come and go.
• In marriage, you believe that love is commitment, love is a decision.
• You decide to do the loving thing for the person you are married to because you are committed.
• You are committed even when things aren’t working out well.
• Commitment isn’t something that’s two weeks or two months or two years. You are committed to this person for the rest of your life.
• You believe in that person and you make each other’s life even better.

2. Communication

• Poor communication style that will sure end a marriage: When we begin harshly, in a rude form, in a mean way, when we communicate.
• We start feeling negative about the other person.
• We start accusing them of things.
• And then we go into bad opinion about them.
• Then we can’t fix the discussion or the problem we are dealing with, because we feel bad about the person, because the communication began in the wrong way.
• Good communication:  Start by complimenting the person and say, “I want to discuss this.”

3. Conflict Management

• Marriage comprised of a commitment to this person. 
• You want to stay married to him for the rest of your life, but you know that you need to communicate. But in communication and in family, there is always conflict issues.
• And conflict issues have been here since the beginning of time. It is very common, all families face it. The key is learning how to handle conflict in your home, even in family where there are children, we can come to the right conclusions.
• In appropriate conflict handling: Yelling at each other, calling each other names.
• Although these are learned behavior, everything that you have learned to do, you can unlearn.
• You have to know this: When in conflict, there is escalating conflicts and anger, that’s a danger sign that you need to be careful and kind of slow it down. Give it some time.
• Then you start avoiding each other, because you can’t talk or you can’t be around each other. 
• We can take a little break from each other, because every relationship is a challenge, but when we are avoiding each other, hiding from each other, because we are afraid of conflict, that’s not the answer. Or we start disrespecting the other person, putting them down, not respecting them.
• And what can happen in a conflict if we are not careful, we can develop negative habits where we are continuing using words that are inappropriate or yelling.
• God doesn’t want that to happen to you. 
• God wants you to want to be with each other.
• We have a good God that created us to love people, especially love the person you are married to.
• We need to honor the person we are married to. Respect who they are, and who God created them to be.
• You can learn how to manage conflict and how to communicate in appropriate ways. You will get better at it if you trust God and let Him help you. And if you read the Bible and understand there are good ways to treat people, the people that you love and you are committed to. 
• God will help you to learn how to communicate better.
• God will help you to be committed to your husband.
• That He has created a very special person you can learn how to communicate with and you can be committed to him/her for all of your life. And God will help you with conflict issues.
• I want you to know that God’s on your side, because God created marriage. He created marriage as a gift for you. And I hope that you trust Him as you decide to be married for the rest of your life.
• The best way to make your life work is to be connected to your Creator.

I have been prayerfully thinking about what my personal development goal(s) for next year 2018 should be... so it's no guess what two of them will be now :-) I will consciously work on my communication skills and my conflict management skills... plus one other...

What are your goals for next year?

Prayerfully commit them to God, and He will bless you, and as you look back in one year's time, and marvel at the progress you have made :-)

References:

https://family-relationships.com/videos/healthy-marriages?nPartner=familyAdwords02&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI19rnuZjx1wIVy8myCh3I5QBuEAMYASAAEgLH0_D_BwE

Why did God allow suffering?

Why did God allow suffering? God, I used to be angry with you for the suffering in this world. But now, I no longer.

The greatest love is sometimes not about withholding suffering. The greatest love is going through the suffering with the person, and suffer alongside the person.

The easiest solution is just to remove suffering. No one suffers. No love needs to be shown. Life is easy. When life is easy, it is easy to love. That is self-love. True love is tested in the face of suffering.

Suffering shows the true heart of men. Many of us men fail miserably in the face of suffering, in the test of true love.

In face-to-face with suffering, I come to see my lack of growth and maturity. It shows that I have much to learn. Thank you for the continuing lesson.

God, You don't look the other way. You suffer alongside us. You are in pain, as much as we are in pain. By suffering alongside us, and winning the victory, You showed us the greatest love. Jesus didn't remove the suffering. He went through it courageously and came out victorious. For the love of mankind, He went through the suffering.

Sufferings

We asked God, "God, why all these sufferings that my granny has to go through?"

My granny is panting for breath.
My granny cannot eat as she cannot shallow.
My granny lies in bed.
(But she is mentally alert, and amazing her dementia seemed to have totally disappeared. She is so mentally alert.)

God asked, "My dear child, do you remember, when you were a child down with a cold and a fever, how your mum tender loving love, waking up and staying up with you in the night, sponging you with ice-cubes, made you feel so loved and cared for?"

Me: "Yes God, I remember, and I am doing it for Joshua now. If I haven't been down with cold and fever, I would not have experienced such tender loving parental love."

God: "Similarly, it is a chance for you to show tender loving care to your granny, to clean her, to make her feel comfortable."

Sufferings is a result of the fallen creation. God does not take delight with sufferings, but He sometimes allow it.

Late in the night, I asked my Auntie Siew Hong, how she is able to give up her job and work part-time, to clean my granny her mother-in-law, to stay up in the night to watch and hold my granny, day-after-day, night-after-night.

Auntie Siew Hong said that she couldn't do it by herself. It is by walking with Jesus everyday, that Jesus enables her to do it.

The depth of what human love can show is only tested in the depth of sufferings.

In sufferings, love is glorified.
In sufferings, God is glorified.

I look at my granny.

She looks so loved.

She looks like a baby, like a child bathed in parental love.

She smiles, she is pampered.

She is bathed in love. She is enjoying it. In the evening, when her eight children come to visit her, I could see that she really enjoy the evening. She is mentally so alert (perhaps God has granted her the alertness to enjoy this, as her dementia seemed to have amazingly disappeared), so happy to see her children. All these years, how she long for her children and her grand children to visit her, few came. Now they all come. She is so happy.

In the end, it doesn't seem like she is suffering.

She is enjoying all the love that she is receiving.

She is still panting for breath.
She still cannot eat and cannot swallow.
She is still lying in bed.
Despite that, she is not giving up on life, she is still treasuring it, and living it courageously.
And she seems to be enjoying all these love, all these visits, that she has longed for for years...

Yes God, I understood it now. We have to be thankful for this opportunity, for this time with my granny. Our sufferings have meaning, although we may not have fully grasped it yet. It will in your own time, God. For now, I thank you God that you have answered my question sufficiently.

In sufferings, love is glorified.
In sufferings, God is glorified.

Of course, we should not only gather together during such a crisis. But alas, such is the down side of human nature - we don’t learn in good times. But God worked everything for the good, He used it to pull the family closer together.

There is a lesson to be learned in everything that comes our way. We are learning it the hard way. But we are thankful for this extended time given to my granny, and this extended time given to us.

God helped us realized that what my granny is going through is an opportunity to show love. In the midst of sufferings, love increased. Bonding tend to take place in the midst of sufferings. It helped the whole extended family to come together and unite the whole family.

Reflection about Life...

From life's first breath... to grey white hair... 

From stroller... to wheelchair...

From joyful days... to tears-filled eyes...

Jesus holds our hands every step of the way...

Flying miles back home to bring cheers as a Besøgsbaby for Ah Ma...

A Letter to J

Dear J

Mommy got a call from the after-school care, and Mommy's heart dropped. They said you fell down and injured yourself. Mommy rushed straight to school to pick you up. Thankfully the train came just as Mommy arrived the station.

You fell and was in great pain in your wrist. Mommy brought you to the doctor. You were asked to go to the Emergency Department of the hospital. The doctor said that you broke your right wrist. You were in great pain, but you were very brave.

Oh no, you are a right-hander. There were 100 questions running through Mommy's head, but Mommy did not dare to show her worried face. Will your arm straighten out again? How will it affect you in your old age? Will you be able to write? Will you fall behind your class? Will you be bored in class not being able to write? Will you be able to swim? Will you be able to go to Scouts? Will your hand be strong again? Can you play the piano again - the piano teacher reminded Mommy and you that as a pianist, you should never injure your hands. And now this happened..

You asked if Mommy or Daddy ever broke any arm or leg, and how it will all turned out? You asked the questions that Mommy were asking in her head. No, Mommy and Daddy had not broke any arm or leg before. If Mommy could, Mommy will take your place and save you from your pain.

Mommy is not a Wonder Woman. No matter how much Mommy wants to, Mommy could not be there to protect you all the time. Mommy needs to rely on God and His Sovereign wisdom.

Mommy said, "Don't worry my baby, all will be well again. God will restore you, after you have suffered for a little while."

You asked why did God allow it. In the middle of the rush to hospital and the chaos, Mommy didn't have a chance to give you a proper answer.

My son, God allows us to go through things to strengthen us. Mommy prays that God will use this to build your character. God will turn the bad things in life for good. We need to trust Him.

Why did God allow this to happen?

1. God can use it to build your character - to build your humility, your patience and your empathy.

2. It helps you empathize with the handicapped, the old, the afflicted and those who are even more unfortunate than us.

3. So that you can comfort others, from the comfort you receive from God.

"He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us." - 2 Corinthians 1:4

4. It helps you to be grateful for your hands.

5. It gives Mommy and Daddy a chance to be extra sweet to you, creating lasting memories.

7. It helps you to understand how wonderful it is to be able to play, write, play piano, go for swimming class, go to Scouts.

8. It helps you understand what boredom is.

9. It helps Mommy to be less kiasu as it puts a break on all the academic pursuit.

10. It gives you a chance to relax and watch more cartoons.

11. It gives you a chance to slow down and reflect.

12. It gives Mommy a chance to slow down and reflect.

13. It gives your left hand a chance to train itself. Your right hand will be sad, but your lef hand will be very happy :-)

14. It gives God a chance to work His might.

Oh my son, my son, I am so heart pain, I am so heart pain...

But when this is over, God will restore you, my son, God will restore you. Trust in Him and in His goodness.

"And we know that in all things work for the good of those who love Him." - Romans 8:28

One Heart, One Voice, One Mouth...

This is what I aspire for my family - my heart's desire and this is what I pray for:

"May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus, so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ." - Romans 15: 5

It has been 14 years, still we have not reached there yet. And God's Word in the following verses (Romans 15: 7-9, 12-13) address that, and comforting me and teaching me how to respond:

"Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God (meaning in order to glorify God). For I tell you that Christ has become a servant of the Jews on behalf of God's truth, to confirm the promises made to the patriarchs so that the Gentiles may glorify God for his mercy..."

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

Love Our Children Now: One day they will… because I did not give up

Photo credit: The Better Mom

Lately, I have been rather down with J's behavior. Despite telling him umpteen times that he should be polite, greet people, say thank you, look into the eyes of the person, he just doesn't do it willingly. He still doesn't take initiative to wash his dishes. He can be rather sloppy washing his hands... etc etc. I felt like I am at my wit's end, struggling and swinging between giving in (unwittingly exhibiting permissive parenting style) and insisting with all my might (unwittingly exhibiting autocratic parenting style), creating a conflict zone at home. It is so hard. I kept making mistakes. I need wisdom (my birthday wish is to create an encouraging atmosphere at home).

I knelt before God, prayed and cried my heart out...

How amazing and timely then it is when God directed me to this post from Love Our Children Now:

"If he had forgotten for the 5th time what I just taught him yesterday…. I must teach it again. If he has shouted at me, openly defied me and lied to me, for the zillionth time…. I must forgive him, (even if he has not apologised). If I have been training him to do something for the past one year and he was doing it successfully for a month but drops the habit in the 2nd month… I must start the training all over again."

"...let me humbly learn to do what I can humanly do... for the rest, they either do not matter, or God will handle."

You can read the whole post below:

http://www.loveourchildrennow.sg/2016/04/28/one-day-they-will-because-i-did-not-give-up/

God also sent a dear friend, L, who has raised her children up, and whose words below uplifted me:

"Do not worry, E, and what's been talked in the home will stay with the child, love them lots and God will do the rest, keep trusting and keep attending church as often as you possibly can manage."

I will remember to:

1. Love my children lots - meaning in the area of character training and academic training to repeat and repeat teaching with love, forgive, forgive, forgive, do not give up, accept them just as they are.

This verse came to mind. God is training me to love through our children:

"It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails" - 1 Corinthians 13:7-8

2. Do what I can humanly do... and allow God's grace to cover all my mistakes.

3. Let God handle the rest.

God also sent some respite and rest, by giving me baby C who is already sleeping through the night.

Oh how blessed it is to have God by our side, that I do not have to struggle through life's challenges alone.

Bless this mother who shared her parenting journey and please continue to help her too.

The Collector's Syndrome

Last weekend we visited "Den Gamle By," an outdoor museum in Arhus, Denmark's second largest city, that showcases how city life was like in Denmark from the 1500 to 1974. At the ancient toy museum, I came across this exhibit of a toy collector's home. The commentary accompanying the glass exhibit reads:

"Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt... For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also." Matthew 6:19 & 21

"To collect is to possess. Nowadays there are no end to the list of collector's items. Private collections testify to the social status of their owners. Collecting requires both spare time and money. Therefore there is a difference between collecting classical gold coins and matchboxes, between Biedermeier paintings and promotional pens. The life of a private collector can be both a peaceful and a satisfying one, allowing him to watch the slow growth of his collection. It may also, however, turn into a frantic and competitive quest for the oldest, the rarest, the most beautiful or the most expensive of objects. Are collectors really happy people?"

The commentary ended with the question: "Are collectors happy?" 

I stood and reflected on the commentary. It spoke to me directly.

I do not think so. Collectors can't be that happy if they are in a constant quest "for the oldest, the rarest, the most beautiful or the most expensive of objects."

Although I am not a collector, my life can sometimes reflect the collector's characteristics. Although I am not out to look "for the oldest, the rarest, the most beautiful or the most expensive of objects," my relentless quests in other areas can be no different from the collector's. 

My "kiasu Tiger Mom" tendency towards preparing our children for academic performance and paper chase can in some ways be compared to the collector's pursuit of his collection. I ask myself: "Will our children be happy?" No.

It brought to mind what a Danish mom once said that she is not afraid that her kids would not learn, they will. What confidence!!! I don't have that. I put it at the central of our family life and above many other things else to plan and make sure that our kids learn. It is a timely reminder that if I am not careful, I can develop the "collector's syndrome." I need to seek God's wisdom to show restraint.

It also reminds me of an article that I read about the general Singapore parents.

http://www.straitstimes.com/singapore/education/will-new-psle-scoring-system-reduce-stress-and-competition-among-pupils-and

Are Singaporeans happy? Singaporeans do not score very high on the happiness index. From a very poor country 50 years ago to become one of the richest, cleanest, most well-planned and well-run countries 50 years later. Despite its achievements, one thing remains - Singapore may not be truly feeling fulfilled and happy, but anxious as a country, with the constant need to compete and do better. 

What about you? Which aspects of you are a collector?

A Letter to Ma

Dear Ma

When God took pa home suddenly, I cried my heart out. I cried the whole way on-board the plane back to Singapore. My greatest regret is not telling him how much I appreciate him. I wished I could bring him back to life, just so that I could tell him. I do not want to make the same mistake.

Ever since I became a mother, I realized how amazingly capable you were, bringing up the three of us. I want to tell it to you, but each time when we skyped, the words just do not come out of my mouth. I told myself I will find a chance to talk to you, when you were here last summer. But your friends were always around you.

In the wee hours of the morning, I will write you a letter instead. And I hope others will read this letter to you.

You had only primary education, and you felt that you were very ignorant about the world. You didn't know what it was like to work in an office. You did not know how to type. You did not know how to use a computer. You felt you did not have much skills. 

In your eyes, I am more successful. I have a high education and work in a world renowned organization. I have been given the opportunities to experience all that you had not. But I realized that what you did, not many highly educated women could achieve.

Although you did not have a finance master, looking back, I am amazed at how you managed to make ends meet with the limited amount of money that pa provided each month, and sometimes no money or the money came very late. I remembered the late night discussions of pa and you worrying about money and when the customers would pay pa for the electrical appliances that he had repaired. Yet you still managed to make us 3 course dinner every evening - a vegetable, a meat and a soup with rice without fail, no matter how tired you were taking care of 3 kids. Without knowing it, you mastered the Just-In-Time (JIT) concept way before it was made popular in the corporate world.

I remembered you never ate with us at dinner. Now I realized that it was because you were worried that the food would not be enough. We would always eat first, and you would eat whatever that were left-over, even if it meant eating just plain rice with soya sauce and water. You gave the fish to us. You have developed the habit of doing that, and even until today, when we were no longer poor, you still could not kick off this habit. You only eat left-overs when you visited us in Denmark, despite my urging you to eat, while all of us were eating. 

I remembered there had never been days, when you did not make dinner. Day in and day out, you will find the energy to do all these and kept the same consistent standard of 3 dishes - vegetable, meat and soup. You would sew and mend my clothes. You would sew dresses for the only Barbie doll that you saved for months to buy for me. You would always find the energy to do the house chores. I have never seen you cried over the mountain of practical responsibilities you had as a mother. I wondered, if you ever cried behind our sight?

In your marriage, you modeled for us unconditional love for pa. You served the family tirelessly without any complaints. You would be forbearing over for pa. On the other hand, I could get calculative over our home responsibilities, over who is doing more or who is doing less. When I come before God, He would remind me that we should not only look to our own interest, but to the interest of others. God would remind me of your example.

Although I had a master in finance, I would not have managed the home finance as well as you. We don't have to worry about money, but I sweat to think if I were to be put in your shoes one day, if I could manage it as well as you. I have not been able to budget my food well, so often throwing away food that we could not finish. I am not able to just eat left-overs and give the good stuff to J. Sometimes I am tempted to eat the good stuff and keep the left-overs for J. There are days, I would just not have the energy to make dinner, and resort to takeaways so very often. And when I make dinner, very often, I can only manage 1 dish. It will take me the whole day to make 3 dishes like you did and I would be very tired. Until today, I still have not completed sewing the buttons on J's scout uniform. It is a real struggle. And I still have yet to mend his stuff toy. J asked farmor to help him sew it.

When I think of the things you had done for us as our mum, I am humbled. Many of the things, I am not able to do. And even if I managed to, I would have felt so tired. I would think of the following day and get upset over the never-ending routine of practical work as a mom, and cry. I would need some time to chill out with girlfriends over cafes and high-tea. But you did all those things without any opportunities to chill out with your girlfriends. 

I remembered you told me to learn all these life skills, when I was a young girl. But I refused. That was mainly because of the Chinese bias-ness, that you said that only girls need to learn, and boys do not. So I rebelled. I refused to learn. It was also so uncool to do those household chores in Singapore. From the elite girls' school that pa and you queued the whole day to get me a space through balloting, none of my classmates bothered with home economics. Those stuff are done in Singapore only by maids, even till today. We only need to bother to go to school, do homework and do well for exams. 

Then I came to Denmark. I saw the Danes. I saw how good they are with practical life-skills. I saw that my Danish sister-in-law could do all these without having a maid, and she is highly educated. She had learned all these during her childhood from her mother and father.

Today I regretted big time not learning to be more practical during my childhood with you.

I realized ma, that God gave us different skills that couldn't be measured by a degree and a shining corporate career. I realized that these skills are best learned during childhood - during that window of critical period.

So I have to buy back those lost time. I have reduced my career opportunities to go part-time, and I use the time to teach J those practical life skills - how to cook and how to do housework, even though he is a boy and not a girl. And I am actually learning along with him. I am given a second childhood to learn all these practical life skills, which I am very thankful for.

You might have sensed it, you might have not. When I was a child, in front of those rich kids from the elite girls' school, whose parents came to school in their Mercedes, dressed in suits and tie, and mothers nails fully manicured, I felt ashamed of our family and of us not having a maid at home. I want to seek your forgiveness, ma. That was so very silly of me. Now that I have grown up, I realized that I should be very proud of you, for what you have achieved at home. It is extraordinary. You are the best mum.

Dear ma, I want you to be very proud of yourself. You should not feel a sense of loss that you didn't have a degree or a high education. What you have achieved is no less than what other women have achieved. And I wish I could learn to be as good as you are, but I may not be able to do it in my life-time, because what one hadn't learn to do during childhood will not come as naturally and as efficiently learned as an adult. But I hope J will be as good as you and my Danish sister-in-law are. I am determined not make the same mistake again for the next generation. And ma, you have been a exemplary example in my life. You should know how much I look up to you as my mother.

The Flight of Refugees and the Lesson We Can Teach Our Children

This image stayed in my mind… a wounded dad himself trying to protect and comfort his child, with all the might he has left... the helplessness of the child… and the helplessness of the father… it pains me to see... and how my heart aches for them. Displaced from their country because of war, unwanted, without a shelter and in constant danger. I really hope they are alright. I prayed that they will be fine and safe… and also for those people who are in the same situation.

The horrors of wars… 

Our late PM Mr. Lee Kuan Yew experienced all these first-hand during the Second World War. And it left him with the iron-steel determination to build up a strong Singapore, so that all of us can have a future. He gave us a safe haven to bring up our children, so that we don't have to knock on doors of other countries.

What can we mothers do?

In our protected world, we so often busy ourselves with kids' activities, bringing our kids to Disneyland, etc., I am equally guilty of it. I need to share with J the current world affairs in a bite size manner that will help him understand. I need to take time to explain to my child, what others in the world are going through, even if it means forgoing one of his activities to do so. I need to pray for these people with my child.

We need to teach our children to show sympathy and to raise them up strong to be in the position to help others. It could have been one of us in the picture.

We need to be intentional in our parenting and we need to pray and ask God to help us with it… we need to be determined to raise up good people for the society. This is the only way we can safeguard the security of our children and that of our children’s children.

What Is Your Parenting Standard? Mine Is to Raise a Prime Minister

What is your parenting standard?

A few years ago, I told my husband that I am secretly setting myself the parenting standard of raising a Prime Minister, and he nearly fell off his chair. And of course, he said that I was crazy.

But that's how I spur myself on. And it hasn't changed today.

Please do not misunderstand. I do not dream of J being a Prime Minister. In fact, the selfish human nature in me does not want him to be one. I mean, look at all the Prime Ministers of the world. Look at Mr. Lee Hsien Loong. How busy they are. They don't have much time for their family and kids and enjoy life. The weight of the whole country is on them. They sure have a lot of sleepless nights. They have to make tough decisions. I don't wish that on J. I just hope that he and his future wife will have time to enjoy his family and have time to raise up their kids, like I do :-)

And besides neither will J meet the criteria of becoming a Prime Minister - First of all, he does not look Danish enough, is not technically Singaporean nor does he come from China.

But I would like him to develop the ideal qualities of a Prime Minister.

And I think it is important to aim high, so that when you fall short, you don't fall so short. And this is what motivates me to wake up, day-after-day, week-after-week, year-after-year taking my motherhood duties seriously, with passion and gusto, making meals, preparing lesson plans, doing Montessori activities, heritage education, Christian education, taking J to his activities, etc. since he was a baby.

And what are the ideal qualities of being a Prime Minister?

To me, the most important is character, having empathy and wisdom, to be above reproach. J has a lot of room to grow in this area. So this is where I am working on... and it will be a life-long work to develop these qualities.

And this brings me back once again to Sarah Edwards, the amazing wife of Jonathan Edward. She is my inspiration. I also draw inspiration from Proverbs 31:10-31.

With this standard in mind, my hope is for J is to grow into*:

1. A person who loves and fears God.
2. A person who leads a life with integrity and without reproach.
3. A person who demonstrates selfless service and works for the common good.
4. A person who leads by example to preserve and promote these moral values.
5. A person who endures to uphold the values of justice, equality, progress, peace and harmony.
6. A person who values and protects the life and dignity of the human person.
7. A person who protects and cares for the weak, elderly, under-privileged, and those with special needs.
8. A person who commits to marriage and family for life.
9. A person who works to build an inclusive society, free from oppression and discrimination.
10. A person with a servant heart, who is willing and able to roll up his sleeves, take hardship and to serve with an empathy of heart.

And no, I am not pressurizing J to be a Prime Minister. I am just using this goal as a character check and for guiding character development**. But periodically, I would ask myself:

Is J growing into a person I will be willing to vote for as a Prime Minister, if he is not my son?
Is J fit to be a Prime Minister, based on those standards?

To be honest, although I wish this in J, I have not achieved such sterling character myself. That's why it spurs me on to evaluate myself at the end of each day and to try again the next day to be a better person. I think I have grown as a person compared to 6 years ago (before J was born). Motherhood changes a person, and it has definitely changed me, for the better, I hope.

But even if we do not achieve such standard, it is a standard worth pursuing.

Yes, I am crazy, and I am on this crazy journey. So I want to thank my husband for all his support, in allowing me to simply be a mom devoted to motherhood and to pursue my passion in being a mom.

Now that his post has gone out, I am sure I will invite the ridicule of others, who are going to have a good laugh at me. But I just needed to write my heart out.

What is your parenting standard? Or maybe you do not have one at all? We are all different, and it is alright. There is no right and wrong :-) We are all motivated by different things :-)

But in fact, if I may be allowed to share my opinion, I really do think that all moms should set this goal for their children. I mean, how do you want your country to be governed? I am sure you want it to be governed with justice, transparency, equality and with a heart. The only way for a country to be so, is if its people are so. And the only way for its people to be so, is if mothers raise up their children to be so. If all its people are good enough to be an ideal Prime Minister, then such a country will surely prosper and be in the position to help others.

What is your parenting standard? I hope you will reflect on it.

* Inspiration drawn from the articulation of Archbishop William Goh.

** You may say that many Prime Ministers of the world are corrupt and do not possess these qualities. True, many are not fit to be Prime Minister.

J Summary (6Y6M0D) - J Working On His First School Project... and My Thoughts on the Danish Education System...

The Danish education system is very good in cultivating the love for learning in children.... something which the Chinese and Singaporean education system have not quite been able to achieve.

J (6Y6M0D) got his first school project on Monday, and he has been pestering us the whole week to guide him with it. 

This is J's first ever project in primary school. It is a reading project. He is supposed to read a book and talk about it in class. It is also going to be his first project presentation in class.

We hadn't found time during the week to work with him. Today, he woke us up at 6.30am to do his homework on a Saturday morning! But we didn't manage to crawl out of bed.

This afternoon, we did the project as a team:

1. Mommy defined the presentation strategy. 

2. Daddy implemented the strategy in Danish. 

3. Daddy and J did the project together. 

4. And Mommy rehearsed with J.

Before: J was so sad that Daddy did not have time to do his project with him. 

After: J was so happy that Daddy took time to do the project with him.

I took it close to my heart and hope that his eagerness will continue. It is unfortunately not due to my credit, but to the credit of the Danish education system and his fantastic teacher!!!

Having went through the Singapore education system and now being exposed to the Danish education system, here are some of my thoughts:

1) The love of learning is very important and the education system and school play a HUGE influencing role.

2) Parental guidance and support in doing homework is vital. The Danish work-life balance better allows families to better able to do so.

3) No amount of tuition can replace parental involvement.

4) I am firmly convinced of my decision of going on reduced work time.

5 September 2015 (6Y6M): J rehearsing his presentation (the video is in Danish)

Thirsty Thursdays

Applying The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families by Stephen R. Covey, Thursdays are... sharpening the sword day... thirsty for God and resting in God :-)

A day spent on reflection, relaxation, re-charging, revision, re-learning and re-planning... or simply resting and doing nothing.

But one of the great challenges as a busy mom is... the chores still have to be done!

So how?

It helps to listen to the videos, while doing the chores. Here are some of them:

Jentezen Franklin

Charles Stanley

I will return to update this list as I discover more inspiring videos.

Hope you get to find a day a week to sharpen your sword :-)

P.S. I also have to say that I have been very blessed to be able to work part-time, although this may be soon coming to an end.

Reflection: 10+ Things I Have Learned As A Mom from the Bali 9 Duo

Many of us have been following the heart-wrenching tragic stories of the two Australian drug smugglers who were recently executed in Indonesia. My heart went out to them and their parents. And I am also amazed at their transformation and proud of their achievements in their last 10 years in prison.

As a mom, I have learned a lot from the tragic Bali duo who experienced troubled childhood. How can we learn from their stories as we do our best to guide our children towards the right path? What parenting lessons can we glean from here?

Here are the 10 things I have reflected and learned:

1. Importance of Having a Skill or a Hobby

One does not have to be academically inclined, but it is very important for a child to learn a skill and to feel that they are good at something.

"Before I got arrested, I was never really good at anything. Zero skills or hobbies, no real direction in life," said Myuran Sukumaran

After Sukumaran got arrested in prison, he learned a skill and developed a hobby - he became an accomplished painter. That gave him something worthwhile to spend his time on, and at the same time enabled him to earn an honest living which he used the money to help improve the living conditions of his fellow inmates.

2. Sufficient to be good at just ONE thing

Your child does not have to be a super-kid, he just needs to be good at ONE thing. The extroverted Andrew Chan has the gift of the gab and natural leadership skills. He became a passionate leader/preacher and motivational speaker, which he sharpened during his time in prison.

Introverts need not despair either. A picture paints a thousand words. The introverted Myuran Sukumaran "spoke" through his art, which he perfected during his time in prison, with no least eloquence. In his own quiet way, he led others. God is fair. We all have something that we can excel in, that we can use to make a living.

We just need to pray and discover that one strength of our child. This we can do by trial-and-error, by letting our child try out different activities without putting performance pressure on them. And we need to pray for discernment and wisdom on the right balance of activities, so that we avoid over-scheduling our children.

3. Importance of Spending Time with Your Child

Andrew Chan's parents were working punishing hours managing a chain of Chinese restaurants across Sydney to support the family, and did not have so much time to spend with him as a child. As a child, he had the freedom to roam and to get into bad company, which led to his tragic down fall.

It is important to spend time with your child and to supervise them. DO NOT delegate such critical parental responsibilities to others. When your child is older, it will be too late. Heart training and character-building have to start young and it takes time. This we can do so by having a strong family culture and family traditions.

It is better to drink watery porridge every day, take public transport, wear old clothes and have time at home to spend with your child, than to work your butt off having more than one job to earn better material comforts for your children, but no time to supervise them.

Although not all moms are called to be stay-at-home, nor is it suitable for all moms to stay at home, do not underestimate the importance of stay-at-home-moms, even if their work does not generate any tangible monetary value. Having a central person at home full-time to bring the family together is very important.

4. Prison May Not Be a Bad Thing

Sometimes, no matter how much we try, we are not able to convince our children to listen to our advice and to choose the right path. DO NOT blame yourself for being a failure as a parent. Though I do not wish it on anyone, and hard as it may be, being in prison may actually help our children to finally mature and see the light.

Facing hardships in the prison, stripped of every bit of freedom and quality of life, helped them to realise that putting your head down to go to study and learning a skill is not as hard compared to life in prison. Andrew Chan and Myuran Sukumaran both obtained degrees while in prison, one in theology and the other in art. To pass time in prison, without the lures and temptations of the outside world, it enabled them to focus on learning with no distractions.

It is also in prison that both discovered their respective strength - one as a pastor, and the other as an artist.

However, just make sure that your child doesn't land himself in Indonesian prison and its merciless judicial system!

5. Love Conquers All

While in prison, Andrew Chan and Myuran Sukumaran were visited often. Andrew's baby nephew even flew from Australia to Indonesia to visit him. Such love sustained the two of them, and helped them to reform themselves, because they matter to their loved ones.

In fact, what hurt them the most, is the pain they had inflicted on their loved ones. Such love made them remorseful to change.

No matter how bleak the situation, DO NOT stop loving your child and having hope in them.

6. Second Chance

We all deserve a second chance. No matter what your child has done wrong in the past, do not concentrate on it. Have hope, believe in your child, no matter what. If you do not, who will do so for your child?

In the case of Andrew Chan and Myuran Sukumaran, although the Indonesian government did not give them a second chance, the Australians, their moms, their dads, their extended families and God did. This enabled their recovery to the path of repentance.

Never give up on your child. God has not.

7. Do Not Judge Other People's Kids

We are all prone to judge others. We look at the delinquents on our streets and roll our eye-balls. We label them as beyond hope. But behind each delinquent child is a story of hurts and pains that only with love, care and an empathetic heart that the whole community can mobilize to overcome and reduce such social problems. Everyone deserves respect.

8. No Matter How Low We Have Fallen, We Can Still Help Others

No matter how low we fell, no matter how bad we were, no matter how inadequate we feel now, DO NOT look down on yourself. The Australians did not look down on Andrew Chan and Myuran Sukumaran. God did not look down on them. Each one of us, no matter how insignificance, has the ability to help others and to make a difference in others life, even the drug addicts. Convicts such as Andrew Chan and Myuran Sukumaran have shown us that. The reformed drug addicts have the power to encourage and give strength and hope to the other drug addicts. We all have something to contribute and make this society a better place. Never look down on yourself.

9. The Simple Joys of Life Is What Counts

At the end of the day, it is the simple joys in life that one will come to miss. In prison, one sees this clearer:

"I've missed weddings, I've missed funerals and the simple presence of my own family." Andrew Chan said.

10. God Gives Us the True Meaning of Life

To persevere to learn a skill, to have hope and the desire to live, you must know the meaning and purpose of life. Otherwise, one will just drift around aimlessly without any direction in life. These two inmates came to know the Lord Jesus personally, while they were in prison. That gave them the reason to live and the courage to also say goodbye to life with dignity at the hour of their execution.

In fact, Andrew Chan once contemplated suicide. Just before he took the last leap, he decided to read the Bible, and thereafter he decided that he would not take his own life.

Whether in sickness or in health, free or in prison, our life is sacred and have meaning. Though some of us may have led "an absolutely wasted life," the testimony of Andrew Chan and Myuran Sukumaran showed that God can truly turn it fully around.

Though their lives were short, what they have achieved in 10 years of prison may put many of us, including me, to shame compared with what we have achieved at the prime of our own lives.

We have to pray and intercede for our children that they will find the true meaning of life, so that they do not walk around, wasting time and with absolutely no direction in life.

God gives us the true meaning of life that enables us to carry on and makes our life beautiful.

10+ Australians Are Great and Wise

Last but not least, this incident filled with admiration and respect for the Australians. I think the Australians are a very wise, big-hearted and great people and nation. They are united in giving these convicts a second chance. They stood up for fairness. They fought hard for their release, regardless of their ethnicity. When the time for such test comes, I would wish the same for Singapore and Denmark.

References:

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-30997099

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3060842/My-life-perfect-example-absolute-waste-Andrew-Chan-s-haunting-letter-schoolchildren-world-warning-dangers-drugs.html

http://www.stuff.co.nz/world/australia/68217131/bali-9-executions-andrew-chans-letter-to-the-nephew-he-adored