Risks & Challenges of Cross-Cultural Families

Research shows that kids of mixed parentage have the highest suicide rate*. This includes third culture kids i,e, kids who grow up in a different country than his/her home country. Recently I got a rude awakening, when this happened within my circle. His mom and whole family are completely devastated and heart-broken. They didn't even get a chance to say good-bye.

How can we prevent this? The case within my circle shows that sometimes there is not much we can do. The boy/youth is a strong performer in school, well-liked by both Danish teachers and Danish classmates. The parents are well-resourced. Mom is a chief doctor at a Danish hospital and well-liked by her Danish colleagues. The Danish dad is a Phd holder working in a private company. The kids are confident, happy and well-adjusted. There were totally no signs of such thought.

When I set out on my parenting journey in this cross-cultural marriage, I would wish that our kids will be fully Danish and fully Singaporean. But today, after 9 years, I finally accept that this is not truly possible. The truth is that, they will never be fully Danish nor Singaporean. We are in a third culture. When they are in Singapore, they feel Danish. When they are in Denmark, they feel Singaporean. They may not be fully accepted as a fellow Dane.

To be fair to our Little FECS, he is truly fluid in both the Danish and Singaporean environments. He speaks Singlish, when he is in Singapore and also jokingly at home with me. He truly loves both Danish and Singaporean food - for this I am deeply grateful - no food struggle at home with him. He can understand the nuances of both cultures, that Daddy FECS and I can't. This is both a blessing and a... should I say, non-blessing. He gets exasperated, when Daddy FECS doesn't get it, and vice versa, when Mommy FECS doesn't get it.

A classmate asked our Little FECS why his hair is black. Why he eats goji berries (the irony is that goji berries are getting more and more popular in Denmark). He told our Little FECS to leave Denmark and to go back to China (To Danes, they may not know that Singaporeans speak Mandarin too).

Our Little FECS took such situation very well. He simply dismissed it as a non-starter. It is me the mom who is hurt. I cried on his behalf. Then he told me not to worry about it. I am amazed at his ability to rest in himself. That is not one of my strengths. So I started to learn from him and stop shedding tears. I start being stronger too.

It may seem a rather depressing situation. But it is also an opportunity to build our kids' character strengths.

I told our Little FECS that although he is a Dane, in order for him to be accepted in Denmark, he has to be better than the Danes. This means that he has to be better than his classmates in his class. He has to do well Maths, and be better at speaking/reading/writing Danish than the Danes. And he has to learn Chinese. It will help him understand his own background better and be more well-adjusted. Perhaps, it is the Tiger Mom in me rearing its ugly head. And this might give pressure to our Little FECS. But I think it has given our Little FECS the self-motivation to do his best.

But then again, the incident happened within my circle. The boy has been a sterling performer in school and well-liked by his classmates. Still it didn't prevent him from taking his own life. In his farewell letter, he said that he found his life meaningless.

I have to acknowledge that it is sometimes it is not within us parents' control.

How do we manage this as well as we could? And how can we mitigate this risk?

1. Go down on your knees and pray

As parents, we are not perfect. I pray for our kids every single night.

2. Have a strong family tradition

What defines your family? What do you do together as part of your family tradition? Do you have a family crest? Do you have a family motto and family cheer? We make sure we have that. Because we are a third culture, neither fully Danish, nor fully Singaporean, we need to have strong family values, a strong family culture and strong family traditions. We have a simple cheer for our FECS family that we end off during each Family Fun Night. We learn this from the Stephen Covey book on the 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families. It doesn't mean that we are an effective family. We learn and grow along the way. We don't have a family crest yet, and our family mission statement is still work-in-progress.

3. Have monthly family fun night.

Our Little FECS always prefer to spend time with us than having play dates. When I want to arrange play dates, he sometimes will say to me, "Mommy, you have been at work all week. Maybe it's time to have family time together, rather than sending me for play dates." I am touched by his words, and hold it to my heart. Will he still be so family-oriented when he becomes a teenager? I can only continue to pray and ask God to mold his heart.

4. Have tea time with your kids at an early age

I started with our Little FECS and now I am starting with Baby FECS. There is something fun about having tea together with the kids using kids' teapot and cups. Even up to today, our Little FECS still enjoys it. He doesn't find it silly. The only fault I have, is that with a full-time job, I haven't been doing what I am preaching here, which is my new year resolution for this year.

5. Build your child's confidence

Building your child's confidence doesn't mean matching any material things his classmates have - that's feeding on his insecurity, not building his confidence. It means that your child should know that he is a child of God, created special and dearly loved. It doesn't rest on his skills, his look, his skin or his hair color. God has given each child unique skills and abilities and a purpose for each child's life. This means that his confidence and self-worth must come from simply being a human being.

6. Share with your child your grief when someone takes his own life

I shared with our Little FECS how sad mommy is, when I heard the news of my friend's son, and how sad my friend and her family are over this. I cried and our Little FECS saw my tears. I believe it helped him to realize how sad we made our loved ones feel, when we do such things. I hope this will help him to learn from the mistakes of others and never consider this path.

7. Share with your child other youth in such predicament, but overcome it

I show our Little FECS Sadia Badiei from www.pickuplimes.com

Her parents are from Afghanistan and she was born in Pakistan, while fleeing. She lives in Canada and now also in the Netherlands. She is full of hope and life. Check out her blog and her story here:

https://youtu.be/x9P4R7CRX5M

8. Don't give all your time to your job and neglect your family

One can be busy working and may not be sensitive to the inner development of a child. But then again, a stay-at-home mom may still not be sensitive to the inner development of a child. It is not full-proof. Still I think it is better not to give all your time to your job, which I must admit, for me it has also been very difficult to strike a good balance.

9. Bring your child to a church that has a strong and passionate Sunday school and youth ministry

Make sure that your child is growing up in a healthy environment where there is a strong peer support. Parents cannot play the role peer influence. The involvement of helping others together with peers your kids' age may help to give him a fulfilling meaning in life. That may give them the reason not just to live on, and strive in life. Unlike in Singapore, it is hard to find such a church or strong Christian community in Denmark. But I think I have found one here, just as I am writing this post:

http://www.teenarbejdet.dk

Praise the Lord!

I also have to say that this has to start from an early age, so that this becomes part of a natural family culture. When you try to do this, when your child is in his pre-teen, it is usually too late. He may not be interested in it anymore.

I personally prefer to attend a international church, but for the sake of our kids, we are going to a Danish church, so that they can be in the youth ministry there and build up healthy friendship with Danish friends.

10. Make sure that your child is proud of both countries

This will help to build a sense of belonging of being in both Denmark and Singapore. Whenever I see newspaper articles of Denmark's achievements and Singapore's/China's achievements, I will share it with our Little FECS. I also expose him to Danish kids who are learning Chinese. I watch the Singapore National Day's parade with him. We watch the Danish handball world cup together.

11. Create more play dates for your child

The boy's mom was a very sweet lady, and she explained that it is because her son is jealous of our Little FECS. She suggested more play dates for our Little FECS and her son to solve this problem. While I agree that this is a good solution, we are currently struggling to make it work. It's partly because I have a full time job, while she works from home Monday to Friday. It's hard for us to reciprocate the play dates back. It would mean that I have to leave work at 2.30 pm, in order that I can go to our Little FECS' school, pick up the boys and bring them to our home by 3.30 pm. They play for 2 hours, and it's dinner time a 5.30 pm, and in between someone has to pick up Baby FECS back from the nurser. So logistically, it is challenging to have play dates during week days. And during weekends, we prefer to have time for the family. Otherwise, it will be on a day where I can work from home. I am looking forward to the day, where our Little FECS can have play dates without me picking him up from the school.

It's also partly our Little FECS isn't keen on having play dates with that boy anymore. Words are as sharp as a knife, and when such words are said, trust is broken. The friendship is like a vase that has been shattered. It needs time to heal. Although it doesn't affect our Little FECS so much, I can also understand, if he prefers to keep this boy as an acquaintance, rather than as a close friend. So I haven't push him for play dates. When the dust settles, and it feels right again, we will resume the play date.

12. Go down on your knees and pray

All said and done, human efforts will always fall short of God's. Go down on your knees and pray. It means that we need to surrender our sovereignty to God. We do our part to humbly pray for our child, and leave the result to God. This is the no. 1 on this list, and it is also repeating as no. 12 on this list.

Does that mean that my friend didn't pray? No, sometimes we simply don't have an answer, except to trust in God's sovereignty and goodness, even when we cannot see it and cannot feel it. Isaiah 55:8-9 says:

8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

    neither are your ways my ways,”

declares the Lord.

9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,

    so are my ways higher than your ways

    and my thoughts than your thoughts.

We live in a fallen world. It pains God equally much. God is suffering along side us. That is the reason why He sent Jesus to die on the cross for our sins. Jesus suffered for us and with us. He took our sins upon His shoulders. It is not easy to do so, and we cannot do it with our own strength. We can only do it with the strength from God.

I still shed tears for my friend and share her pains, acknowledging that I can't take away her pains. I mourn along with her. She and her whole family are in my thoughts. What she has experienced is the worst that can happen to a mom, or a dad.

Sometimes, I ask myself, have I been naive to marry a foreigner? If I can turn back the clock, will I do it again?

Yes, I will do it again. No one can replace Daddy FECS. I will still do it again, even if it means that we will face such challenges as a family. But together as a family, we will work on it and overcome it, by the grace of God, and commit our children to the care of God.

* https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1448064/

The 3 C’s of a Great Marriage

I chanced upon this article and I am summarizing it as a way for me to digest it and apply it. Indeed, God is reminding me the importance of communication and conflict management. I can't say that I have mastered these skills to perfection... I am still a work-in-progress... it is humbling to realize that... but our God is a good and great and kind God. He comes alongside us, help us in our weaknessess, cheer us on in our journey of continuous character development...

The three critical ingredients of a great marriage:

1. C - Commitment
2. C - Communication
3. C - Conflict Management

1. Commitment

• True love in marriage is not based on just emotional feelings. Emotional feelings come and go.
• In marriage, you believe that love is commitment, love is a decision.
• You decide to do the loving thing for the person you are married to because you are committed.
• You are committed even when things aren’t working out well.
• Commitment isn’t something that’s two weeks or two months or two years. You are committed to this person for the rest of your life.
• You believe in that person and you make each other’s life even better.

2. Communication

• Poor communication style that will sure end a marriage: When we begin harshly, in a rude form, in a mean way, when we communicate.
• We start feeling negative about the other person.
• We start accusing them of things.
• And then we go into bad opinion about them.
• Then we can’t fix the discussion or the problem we are dealing with, because we feel bad about the person, because the communication began in the wrong way.
• Good communication:  Start by complimenting the person and say, “I want to discuss this.”

3. Conflict Management

• Marriage comprised of a commitment to this person. 
• You want to stay married to him for the rest of your life, but you know that you need to communicate. But in communication and in family, there is always conflict issues.
• And conflict issues have been here since the beginning of time. It is very common, all families face it. The key is learning how to handle conflict in your home, even in family where there are children, we can come to the right conclusions.
• In appropriate conflict handling: Yelling at each other, calling each other names.
• Although these are learned behavior, everything that you have learned to do, you can unlearn.
• You have to know this: When in conflict, there is escalating conflicts and anger, that’s a danger sign that you need to be careful and kind of slow it down. Give it some time.
• Then you start avoiding each other, because you can’t talk or you can’t be around each other. 
• We can take a little break from each other, because every relationship is a challenge, but when we are avoiding each other, hiding from each other, because we are afraid of conflict, that’s not the answer. Or we start disrespecting the other person, putting them down, not respecting them.
• And what can happen in a conflict if we are not careful, we can develop negative habits where we are continuing using words that are inappropriate or yelling.
• God doesn’t want that to happen to you. 
• God wants you to want to be with each other.
• We have a good God that created us to love people, especially love the person you are married to.
• We need to honor the person we are married to. Respect who they are, and who God created them to be.
• You can learn how to manage conflict and how to communicate in appropriate ways. You will get better at it if you trust God and let Him help you. And if you read the Bible and understand there are good ways to treat people, the people that you love and you are committed to. 
• God will help you to learn how to communicate better.
• God will help you to be committed to your husband.
• That He has created a very special person you can learn how to communicate with and you can be committed to him/her for all of your life. And God will help you with conflict issues.
• I want you to know that God’s on your side, because God created marriage. He created marriage as a gift for you. And I hope that you trust Him as you decide to be married for the rest of your life.
• The best way to make your life work is to be connected to your Creator.

I have been prayerfully thinking about what my personal development goal(s) for next year 2018 should be... so it's no guess what two of them will be now :-) I will consciously work on my communication skills and my conflict management skills... plus one other...

What are your goals for next year?

Prayerfully commit them to God, and He will bless you, and as you look back in one year's time, and marvel at the progress you have made :-)

References:

https://family-relationships.com/videos/healthy-marriages?nPartner=familyAdwords02&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI19rnuZjx1wIVy8myCh3I5QBuEAMYASAAEgLH0_D_BwE

Growing in Love Together... Towards a True Fairy-Tale Marriage

Picture representing a fairy-tale marriage

I dream of a fairy-tale marriage, that we live happily ever after, that my hubby will always agree with me, will always give in to me, will always pamper me, that he will never have differences of opinion with me. We will always have one mind, one heart, one voice. We will always agree. He will always know my mind and knows what I want, and gives me what I want. We live always at the same tempo, and that of course, he should always follow my tempo :-)

If my hubby will always agree with me, give in to me, follow my way, follow my tempo, then it will be perfect, and I will have a fairy-tale marriage.

But alas it is not always like that. No matter how much we love each other, our marriage is not perfect based on my (self-seeking) ideals, because we fall short.

We are two unique individuals. There will be times of differences of opinion. We are both very stubborn. We are both very proud. We can be defensive. We can be impatient. We can speak unkindly to each other unknowingly - sometimes even knowingly. We should agree in unity in front of our children as all experts advise parents to do, but we don't always succeed. We hear each other, but we don't always listen. When we succeed in listening to each other, we don't always understand all the time, every time. We can see things from different perspectives. Or we can see the other's perspective and yet still find that our own perspective is equally justified. We have blind spots that we do not see - sometimes perhaps stubbornly chose not to see. We can be foolish and childish. We have our own idiosyncrasies that can drive each other up the wall... to grumpiness and explosion. All these, alas, can bring us into corner and a stalemate.

In my fairy-tale wistfulness, I wish this will not happen, but it will, because we fall short. When we fall short, we can hurt each other. When we are hurt, we can get disheartened. When we are disheartened, distances can arise.

But by the grace of God, love closes all distances and bring us back. Even as the tears flow that cloud the eyes, we must not let hurt get in the way.

What is this love?

Whenever I feel my hubby has spoken unkindly. Whenever I am hurt and confused. Whenever I am self-seeking (i.e. seeking to be pampered by my hubby, instead of pampering him), I will remember God's reminder to follow the way of love (1 Corinthians 14:1), which is the most excellent (1 Corinthians: 13:1).

The way of love is...

Philippians 2: 4
1 Corinthians 13: 4-8
Ephesians 5:21
Romans 12: 10
Romans 12: 16, 17, 20-21
Romans 14: 19
Romans 15: 1-2, 5
Romans 12:21

Summarized as follows:

• Not looking to your own interests, but to the interests of the other
• Honor one another above yourself
• Submit to each another
• Not easily angered
• Forgive
• Bear over
• Keeps no record of wrongs
• Not rude
• Not self-seeking
• Always trusts (like I continue to trust J)
• Always hopes
• Always perseveres
• Patient
• Kind
• Not proud
• Live in harmony with one another
• Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good
• Love never fails

If we can do all these, growing in (true) love together, then we have truly created a fairy-tale marriage. We are still work-in-progress, but love will help us perfect it. I am inspired by the marriage of the late Mr. Lee Kuan Yew and his wife, a marriage that stood the test of time, and I am sure that Kate's and William's fairy-tale marriage will too :-)

I wrote this post to help me remember what God is teaching me. I still dream of a fairy-tale marriage... that in our retirement and old age, we will continue to walk holding hands, going out to buy an ice-cream and sharing an ice-cream together, like our elderly couple neighbor next door do :-)

References:

http://www.thestar.com.my/lifestyle/people/2015/03/25/away-from-the-public-eye-lee-kuan-yew-was-a-devoted-husband-and-caring-father/

http://www.stewardship.com/articles/the-truth-behind-the-fairy-tale-marriage

Date One-On-One (DOO) with Your Spouse

According to Stephen R. Covey, author of "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families," besides Weekly Family Meeting Night (WFMN) and Weekly Family Fun Night (WFFN), Date One-On-One (DOO) with your spouse is very important.

According to Stephane Covey, "The greatest you can do for your children is love your spouse. The strength of this bonding in the marriage creates a sense of security in the entire family. The most significant relationship in the family is by far the husband and wife. The quality of that relationship truly governs the quality of family life. And even when there have been problems and a breaking of that relationship, it is very important taht the parents are civil toward each other and that one never attacks the other in front of the children or even behind the children's backs. The "vibes" get out, and children will take it personally.

"Children get much of their sense of security from the way their mother and father treat each other."

According to Stephen R. Covery, "DOO give you the opportunity to build that relationship, the Emotional Bank Account, so that you can teach."

Key:

1. Privacy - place with privacy
2. Be Present - physically, mentally and emotionally present
3. Listen

Benefits:

1. That rich communication, that bonding, builds the marriage and provides a tremendous sense of unity that helps us pull together instead of apart.

2. It reaffirms why you are together, why you fell in love with each other, why you chose each other.

The opposite is also true, according to Stephen R. Covey, when out of a sense of time pressure, one attempt to teach, discipline or correct when others are present, you will be amazed how ineffective you usually are. I quote from Stephen R. Covey:

"I am convinced that many children know what they should do, but their minds are not made up to do it. People don't act on what they know; they act on how they feel about what they know and about themselves. If they can come to feel good about themselves and about hte relationship, they are encouraged to act on what they know."

Ideas:

1. Make it a point to spend some time together every day.

2. Go for a ride up the foothills and just talk.

3. Walk barefoot on the beach, see sunrise together.

4. Share what's going on in your life, discuss any issues or concerns, role-play situations in the family that need to address and resolve.

5. Every Friday night, arrange for your children to be cared for while you spend several hours together just focused on building your relationship. Go out to dinner, to a movie.

5. Once a week, let your kids tuck you in. Go to bed an hour before the kids go to bed. Simply just unwind and talk together. Share your experiences at work. Talk through the issues in the family. Help balance each other out. Sometimes listen to music or watch TV. This may work better than going out on a date where there are things that interfrere with your private time - a waiter, people you run into, and so on. Stephane Covey did it 3-4 times a week.

6. Go on a "retreat" together once or twice a year. Review your marriage mission statement together. Work on goals for the coming year and mentally plan your future.

According to Stephane Covey, "planning isn't easy. It requires thinking, and many of us are so busy following hectic schedules, being tyrannized by the telephone, and meeting small crises that we go for long periods without any deep, meaningful communication with our husband or wife. Yet planning is of overwhelming significance in any endeavor: successfully raising a family. It must play a vital, central role because it brings enormous benefits. When a couple comes together to work through matters in their shared stewardship - particularly in dealing with children - it opens the floodgates to synergy, insight, and strengthened resolve. The insights are more profound and the solutions more practical and workable - the entire process is enormously bonding and unifying to the relationship." (p. 153)

Fastelavn

It is a Danish tradition to have this once a year Fancy Dress event when children dressed up to hit the black cat out of a barrel. Then all the sweets poured out of the barrel.

It can also be a costly affair for parents -  an expensive outfit that is wore only once! Of course, you can't recycle it for next year - that's bad taste!!! This is one Danish tradition that I can do without (oops, I hope I am not offending anyone).

(You may ask, what would those poor Danish parents do to keep in step? Well, there are no poor Danes in Denmark. Everyone is equally rich :-) That is why Danes are the Happiest People In the World - No stress, no lack of money, just enjoy life :-) Welcome to Denmark - The Paradise on Earth)

Maybe it is a way by which Danish parents love their children and wonderful to see their children all dressed up once a year, and my heart is definitely warmed by the efforts they make to let their children feel special.

I tried to embrace this tradition for the last 3 years, after all, when in Rome, do as the Romans do, but my attempts failed.

Maybe it is because growing up poor in Singapore where the only time I got a set or two of new clothes was during Chinese New Year, which I looked towards with anticipation, and I am thus unable to embrace this extravagance, even though money is not a problem for us now.

It is just too much money to throw on an outfit, so we bought him a Spiderman outfit from the flea market complete with muscles so that he doesn't feel left out.

But to my great surprise J didn't wish to be all dolled up as Spiderman or Batman, but just this simple knight outfit. He was with the crowd, but didn't feel the need to out-perform the crowd. Ok, mommy is learning a lesson here from J... I can be true to myself and not embrace this tradition, and that it's ok not to be a Roman for once. I can be strong like J :-)

J told me as a matter-of-factly that one of his friends was dressed as Ninja Turtle complete with green make-up for the face. I asked him if he was sad that mommy did not do more. It was no big deal to him. I am proud of his strength and confidence to stand up against peer pressure... and wonder if it will continue even when he hits teenage...

You can read more here about Danish Fastelavn here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fastelavn

Wisdom From Other Blogs: Marriage - Putting Your Husband Before Yourself

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus."

 

Philippians 2:3-5

The post from Elisha's blog Give Them Roots and Wings illustrated very well how to practise Philippians 2:3-5 in our marriage, and especially the below quote:

"Over the years I died many times inside. But the strange thing was, each time I died, I came alive in a better form. There were always major breakthroughs in my personal life, and our marriage each time I decided to put my husband first, before myself. It became such that whenever we have a major argument, or he did/said things that hurt me, part of me would rejoice even as I wept, because I knew that something marvelous was going to happen after I got over it. Without fail, it would happen."

J Summary (4Y4M22D) - Two Imperfect Mommy & Daddy Learning to Resolve Conflicts with God's Help

Yesterday's post may give readers an incorrect picture that our lives are always rosy, that we are a perfect, carefree and sunny family always. That's not the full picture. We are a happy family no doubt, but we are both very imperfect and have our struggles. I will let you in a few details. By sharing our human-ness, we hope that you will not judge us. We share, because we do not want to discourage others with a picture of an unatainable perfect family, as some of my posts may come across.

Yesterday ended well, but it started out in a little rough water.

Daddy: Let's go for a long walk along the lake.

Mommy: Great idea, let's go to the lake, but let's go and teach J how to cycle there instead of a long walk.

Daddy: Why start now when we have plenty of time?

Mommy: Why wait, when we have the time now? And we may not have the time later.

Daddy: It is better to wait until the weather is colder, so that J is well-padded from the winter jacket to sustain any fall. If he falls down now, he may not want to learn to cycle anymore.

Mommy: But that's why I have given him the long-sleeved t-shirt, gloves and jeans that cover his knee-caps. He is also wearing helmet and shoes. That's good enough. The falls won't be so painful. Besides, if he learns to cycle during fall or winter, the thick winter clothes would be too cumbersome and gets in the way.

Daddy: But he will know how to cycle when he is ready. He will ask for it, when he wants to learn how to cycle.

Mommy: But he is ready to learn how to cycle now. He has asked for it, but your fear of him falling down has influenced him and made him afraid. Now, he said he will wait until he is 8 years old to learn how to cycle :-(

Daddy: And I have spent a lot of time to put on the training wheels, and I don't want to have to put it back on again.

Mommy to herself: (But that should not be a reason to hindle J to learn to cycle. It is a little like buying a Mercedes car, and because it takes too much effort to maintain it, one keeps it unused in the garage... but Mommy kept quiet... and trying very hard not to say any words that would hurt)

Inner self: We may not have the time later. There may be unforeseen encounters that come up such as you have to go for unexpected business trip, I have to go for unexpected business trip, we have unexpected overseas visit... etc. etc. and these unexpected events happen... OFTEN.

Inner Self: Besides, we don't have plenty of time in the years ahead. The goals before J starts primary school is to be able to cycle and to be able to swim, so that he can focus on learning other things such as tennis, basketball, soccer, skating, skiing, when he starts school.... And he will enter school in 2 years' time. WE DON'T HAVE SO MUCH TIME LEFT!!! So the aim this year is to learn how to cycle, so that we can concentrate mastering swimming by next year. And J will be starting swimming class in September. Furthermore, after the school vacation break, the piano, music and Chinese classes will also start again. If there is time to learn how to cycle, it is NOW.

Holy Spirit: My child, don't be proud, don't fight back, don't hit back with hurtful words, submit to your husband.

Inner Self: Why can't he have a greater sense of urgency? Oh, Daddy must be thinking why must she always be so goal-oriented for every single thing she does!!!

Inner struggle...

Inner struggle not to argue back...

Holy Spirit: Elaine, remember Philippians 2: 3-4 "Do not act out of selfish ambition or conceit, but with humility think of others as being better than yourselves. Do not be concerned about your own interests, but also be concerned about the interests of others."

Inner Self: God, help me to obey the wisdom of the Holy Spirit. I am fighting my pride and self-centredness... I always want to win, I am struggling... help me to shut my mouth and keep it shut. God, help me to resist my tendency of being a tiger-mom, and frustrate Daddy.

Inner struggle...

Inner struggle not to argue back...

Holy Spirit: Elaine, remember, Love is eternal, when forgivness never ends.

Inner struggle...

Inner struggle, inner struggle not to snap back....

Daddy: Do you really want to take off the training wheels?

Mommy: Yes.

Daddy: Ok, you don't regret ya.

Mommy: No regrets.

(Daddy started taking off the training wheels.)

Daddy: Now you can support J on the bicycle.

Mommy: Okie, thank you dear (but mommy had a hard time supporting J on the bicycle.)

Mommy: Would you like to take over to support J on his bicycle?

Daddy: Ok, let me do it.

Mommy: Shall I take over, so that you can rest?

Daddy: It is alright. It is too heavy for you. I will do it.

Mommy: So sweet of you :-)

The trip was really fun. Daddy could see that it was the right decision. J was taking it well. The falls weren't bad. The trip ended well. It was very memorable.

Holy Spirit: Remember to affirm your husband and thank him for a good job. Remember to affirm J and tell him that he has been very brave and he should be very proud of learning how to cycle.

Mommy: J, you have been so brave. You have managed to complete the whole trip. You will surely learn how to cycle with more practice. And Daddy, you did a fantastic job teaching and supporting J how to cycle. I could not have done it without you.

Daddy: (All smiles and a kiss)

Mommy: Sorry for being such an annoying kiasu tiger-mom. I will learn to be more relaxed and just enjoy the sun.

Daddy: It's alright. That's why I love you for.

Daddy in the basement trying to put on the supporting pole:

The supporting pole was fixed and J tried to cycle with Daddy support. And Daddy managed to let off slip a few times, and J was cycling fine.

We will practice again tomorrow. Thank you Daddy. Thank you God, for helping me to hold my mouth, swallow my pride and not to fight back today.

Sunset

The sun started to set around 9.30pm and was fully set around 9.45pm
at Tisvilde north of Copenhagen during the summer on 21 July 2013

"Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom." - Psalm 90:12

J not being with us enabled Daddy and I to watch the sunset together, thanks to farmor and farfar. It was a beautiful, romantic and cozy moment and it was the first time in 4 years.

As we sat there hand-in-hand, we are looking forward to many moments of watching the sunset together.

We are also reminded that our children will not be there with us forever, and we will have a lot of moments to watch the sunset during our sunset life. We have to treasure each other and we are thankful for each other.

May God grant us two imperfect human beings the grace, wisdom and love to be forebearing over with each other daily. That's true love, to love inspite of all imperfections and say, yes, I will still pick you and grow together with you into our sunset years. From our youth full of pimples and impulsiveness to our old age full of winkles and grouchiness... from our prime years... to our sunset years, I will walk with you.

And may God grant us the opportunity to reach well into our sunset years, the chance to watch the sunset together and to see our grandchildren grow up, and to allow our children to watch the sunset, as we attend to their children.

I quote from the author Dr. John Townsend:

"Love is eternal when forgiveness never ends."

The sunset we watched together in Tisvilde 9 years ago

Some touching sunset moments from other bloggers:

http://www.handsfreemama.com/2011/08/01/joined-in-silence/



Celebrating Our 11th Year Wedding Anniversary

 

Life is fragile, we should never take it for granted...

 

We are thankful to God for the past wonderful 11 years through thick and thin... and we look forward to many many many more years together... through eternity.

 

To the love of my life, thank you for being the pillar of strength in my life.

 

 

J Summary (3Y3M3D) - Mommy, I Like You, Because You Do School with Me

It has been a long day week at work. The schedule at home is haywire as a result. But I was glad that this evening, we managed to do school, after experimenting it yesterday evening. It didn't come without cost - and I am struggling to figure out how I could do so and still keep the family life in balance. Please pray for me for wisdom.

Daddy mentioned that the J's Bedtime Routine has dragged on longer and longer. I could not quite find a good way to explain. Finally, I understand why. J is growing, and there are more and more things to cover, before the real bed time. So, I have now renamed it School Time instead. I think that will go down better with Daddy, as he would then better understand what I am doing that is keeping J up, and that I am not wasting time. Still, it is a strange concept for Danes to do school with a 3 year old.

There is a fundamental cultural difference between the East and the West. It is very difficult for the West to understand the East. Vice-versa, it is very difficult for the East to understand the West. Both view education as very important, but it is viewed as TOP priority in the East. The East views education of their children as the ULTIMATE importance worth sacrificing ALL. Not to the same crazy extend in the West. This is seen in our home - being an East-West family. It is very difficult for Daddy to understand my craziness. I think I understand Daddy, but maybe I haven't quite understand him. I pray that Daddy will understand me more in this area, and that I will understand him better too through his cultural len.

The traditional Chinese mom will sacrifice her life - LITERALLY - for the education of her children. In this regards, I am the most traditional Chinese mom of all. I see myself as being poured out, my everything, for the education and development J. The day he is grown up, I will be all poured out and aged. And no, unlike other traditional Chinese, I don't expect anything in return from J. I don't expect any repayment. This is not how I view filial piety. I pour out myself willingly for J with no regrets.

Someone told me that I am paying too much, in terms of sacrifice, in order to do school with J. I would have nothing left for myself. And what about my own personal and professional development? For a working mom, time is so precious. After deducting work time, I do not have much time left. Whatever little time I have left, the majority is spent on J and his "schooling". I have no other choice. I am poured out. I accept it, if I no longer have personal or professional development. Tired as I am, yet I enjoy it so much. I don't have time to myself, yet school time with J is actually time to myself. It is a hobby and an enjoyment. It is a form of relaxation for me.

This evening for School Time, we did 1 Montessori-style activity, read 3 Chinese books, did 1 jigsaw puzzle (I suggested this and J completed the puzzle, which was rare! So it is worth to celebrate), did 5-6 pages of Chinese workbook, recited 3 Tang Dynasty Poems and...

This evening, for the real first time, J asked on his own initiative to do colouring, instead of me offering it to him. In fact, as it was getting late, I asked J to skip it. But J was persistent. So I let him try. And for the first time, he completed the colouring the whole picture with patience and sense of achievement. My perseverance has paid off. If your child does not like colouring. Don't give up. Keep continuing to encourage him. I told J that I am going to take his picture and take a photo, because I am so proud of him for taking the effort to complete his colouring, without any encouragement from me. He gave me a smile of gladness for the recognition I gave him, which I will never forget. That image is captured in my mind, and I want to remember it forever.

This evening, while putting J to bed, he said, "妈妈, 我喜欢你" meaning "Mommy, I like you." in Mandarin.

I asked, "为什么你喜欢我? meaning "Why do you like Mommy?"

He said, "因为你很可爱 :-)" meaning "Because you are very adorable :-)."

I asked, "为什么你觉得妈妈很可爱呢? 是不是因为我陪你做功课?" meaning "Why do you think Mommy is adorable. (Pause) Is it because Mommy did homework with you?"

He said, "是的" meaning "YES, YES."

Before as I left the room, he said again, "妈妈, 我喜欢你, 因为你陪我做功课." meaning "Mommy, I like you, because you spent time doing school with me :-)"

I feel so rewarded, that no matter how tired I will be, or how challenging it is to do school with Joshua, by hook or by crook, I will find a way, so that our special School Time can continue.

That means that I have to be even more efficient, even more organized, find more energy by exercising, so that I can squeeze out more time. I pray also for wisdom to strike a balance.

Celebrating Our 10th Year Wedding Anniversary

Can't believe it... we have been married for 10 years' already!!! It felt like just yesterday that we were two youthful nuts who just graduated from university.

As we walked through memory lane... we are forever grateful to Merete Skov Kristensen who indirectly brought us together.

I recalled fondly my time working in Hempel Singapore, and my heart is filled with thanks to Christian Vang, who smoothed the way for my tansfer to Hempel Denmark.

Florian has been putting up with a perfectionist freak such as I for 10 years already, who is constantly reaching for the unreachable sky!! and good in spotting the little black spot on a white cabinet, as he described me!

It was a bright, sunny yet extremely cold and windy day... Florian decided to do something crazy that we wouldn't do for the next 10 years... that was to visit the current world acclaimed no. 1 restaurant, Noma (www.noma.dk), which happens to be in Copenhagen. Because of the pending snow storm, we were fortunate to get a table due to cancellation.

Then name Noma stands for nordic food, which brings to the world's attention the unassuming nordic cuisine , using ingredients found in the nordic.

It was a 21-course menu, and the only menu we could have.

This was our first dish, yes, flowers... but was it edible? Notice the two sticks of "twigs"? We were told to enjoy it. It was "twig" made of flat bread. Clever!

A lovely dish and brilliant idea... until I saw that they had the same pot of flowers in a bigger version in the washroom!... a place one wouldn't associate to see food!

Close-up of the "twig" from the flower vase. It tasted great, though a little burnt.

 

This was our second dish... again... which part was edible? It was the white moss, supposedly called the Reindeer moss. It tasted like mushroom.

Close-up of the reindeer moss. You are supposed to dip it into cream fraiche.

Here was the third dish - some kind of pork cracker topped with dried blackcurrant film, which was a weird combination for me... not my favourite

This was the fourth dish and one of my favourites, blue mussels. We were told to also eat the bottom shell. Ahhh?

Close-up of the mussel, and we realized that the bottom shell is made of some kind of seaweed cracker, absolutely delicious!

The only thing was there was only one mussel each, too few to feel satisfied... but this is what gourmet restaurant is all about, isn't it?

This was the fifth dish, which we couldn't remember what it was, except that it was sprinkled with mushroom powder, which was tasty.

This was the sixth dish - small cakes and cheese, rucola and chopped stems... very simple ingredients, yet very tasty.

Close-up

This was the seventh dish - rye bread sandwich with herbed chicken skin on top and some kind of pea puree in the middle. It was very unusual with the chicken skin, but it was thin and cripsy and it tasted great.

This was our eighth dish - potatoes sliced that tasted more like potato chips, toped with frozen chicken liver that was very oily. We could not taste so much of the oiliness because it was frozen. Neither Florian's nor my favourite.

This was the ninth dish - smoked quail eggs served inside a big quail like dish... very unusual, interesting and, creatively packed, and tasted exciting.

Here were the two small quail eggs set on hay still smoking and exuding the smell of the hay...

Mmmm... the smell from the hay smelled really good and reminded us of being back to nature. Noma has achieved what they intended :-)

Here was the tenth dish - ahhh, a plant? Yes, a muddy pot of plant, my absolute favourite!

Close-up - can you see the radish covered with soil? ... we were told to eat it! The "soil" was apparently made of hazelnut, malt and beer with a creamy grass dip underneath and tasted equally great. DELICIOUS!

This was the 11th dish - toast with cods roe. On top was a crisp film of duck sauce which was dried. Very pretty.

Our 12th dish - the modern æbleskiver with a whole small fish from Finland called "muikku". We were quite skeptical initially. That fish didn't look that inviting, but it tasted actually very good, much better than the traditional æbleskiver.

Close-up

Now... we had to be brave to try the fish!!! This turned out to be one of Florian's favourites.

Here came the bread... Noma self freshly mad bread... wrapped in felt basket... very nice :-)

...served with garlic butter and some kind of pork fat. I preferred the butter, but Florian preferred the pork fat. The bread was great.

After 11 appetizers which felt more like little snacks, this was our first main course - squid. Notice the young pine... they were edible, all picked from the nordic countryside... very interesting. They tasted mild and great.

This was the 13th dish - crab meat served with egg yolk and herb sauce... the chef/waiter was pouring the sauce...

Close-up. Looked too pretty to be eaten...

14th dish - Limfjord oyster. I loved how it was presented... almost made me feel like I was near the beach walking on peddles... hmmm... we wondered how they kept the pebbled "plate" clean though?

Close-up

15th dish - we both liked this best. Thinly sliced lightly frozen chestnut eaten raw with fish roe sauce. Apparently having it slightly frozen improved the texture of the taste, we were told. Seemed like the folks in Noma were right.

16th dish - Cauliflower was the main character of this dish and accompanied by pine needles (not edible), which was too overpowering a decor though. The cauliflower tasted good. Top layer was carameilized and crispy, and the rest was steamed to varying degree, so you tasted different texture all the way through. Our cauliflower was a little burnt though, otherwise, it would have been given a higher score! Florian's favourite nevertheless.

17th dish - this dish looked very artistic, until the chef/waiter poured this foamy sauce over... sigh. Since it was covered with all the foam, I could not quite remember what I have eaten. But I remember the long green stem was a cabbage stem, which tasted surprising good! Normally I would discard cabbage stem from my cooking, but Noma has inspired me to use all parts of the vegetable!

18th dish - Nordic picked vegetables. Loved the colours - pickled carrots, beet root, cabbage, all from its own sauce. It was drizzled with some kind of meat stock sauce and served also with bone marrow.

19th dish - duck fillet with edible leaves and rose petals. The smell from the rose petals though sweet, made this dish too perfumy for Florian's liking. But I enjoyed eating the leaves. Made me feel like I was back to nature!

And we were supposed to eat it with a dagger too!

20th dish - now is the dessert called gammel dansk... weird ice-cream in sweet dild and green spinach (?) sauce. pretty bad... don't think those vegetables go well with ice-cream!

21st dish - called the pear tree. The heavy-looking green cake on the right was surprisingly light and melt in your mouth like ice-cream.

Flødeboller chocolate filled with yogurt sauce and potato chips coated with chocolate. Strange combination I would rather do without.

And here came the bill of a life-time!

We thank God for holding our hands together through thick and thin thus far for the past 10 years and for all the blessings He has given us.