Interesting Cultural Differences...

The challenges of a cross-cultural marriage and family... I never knew what I have signed myself up for, when I got married :-)

Now that our Little FECS started entering into the Danish school system, it opened my eyes to see that Danes and Singaporeans are equally kiasu, but just kiasu about different things....

The Singaporeans emphasize on studying HARD, play comes later. The Danes focus on playing HARD and the studying part will come by itself.

In Singapore, during meeting in school, parents will ask about how to ensure that their children can excel in school, but in Denmark, parents devote pretty much the whole Q&A session to organising play dates... and making suggestions for more regular parties for the kids.*

While Singaporean kids go to enrichment class every week, it is not uncommon for Danish kids to go to football twice or more a week.

The Asian emphasis on taking piano class is equivalent to the Danish emphasis on football. So aren't we all super kiasu? We are just super kiasu in different things :-)

In general, Singaporean parents are super-kiasu about the intellectual development of their kids - they want their kids to have a head start in the academics, esp. Maths and Science, scoring good grades for exams. They sent them to the best school already when their kids are only 4 years old.

In general, Danish parents are super kiasu about the physical and social development of their kids - they want their kids to have a head start in football, scoring goals. They scout around for the best football team already when their kids are only 4 years old.

And what do the kids think?

J told me, "Mommy, I have enough play dates. Can I just rest and have some cave time?"

(But after play date, J said that it was fun :-))

And for this Merlion born and bred mommy? Totally confused... but having fun navigating the cultural aspects of the Danish primary education system... Hopefully we will come out still in one piece 10 years later :-)

Both are equally "Tiger moms and dads," and equally goal-oriented, just in different things.

Which is correct? There is no right and wrong answer.

It depends on what one values in life..., which in terms depend on what one's society values in life...

In navigating the cultural minefield, it is so wonderful that God is our  steadfast anchor in life and our ultimate belief and value system... bringing us back and preventing us from making an idol out of worshiping good grades or football...

* This is done to nurture close friendships among the class is formed (after all, they are going to be together in the same class for 10 years). A little too much for me, but I have come to appreciate their perspective and the importance placed on this social aspect.

Cultural Differences

 

In Singapore, kids are sent for robotics programming and piano class are the number 1 priority. Sending your kids to football is unheard of, at least in my generation. The focus tends to be on academic development.

 

In Denmark, sending your kids to football is the number 1 priority (yes, even sending your daughters), at an early age before everything else. The focus tends to be on physical development.

 

In Denmark, people don't ask which enrichment programme you are sending your kids to), but whether you have sent your kids to football. (Enrichment centres? They are non-existence here. But in recent years, some Danes are looking for enrichment centres for their kids, but they are nowhere to be found. Singapore should consider starting some enrichment centres franchise here to take advantage of first mover)

 

And for us? Treading cultural pole line, we are doing all - so that we fit into both cultures. We are embracing the best of both culture. Hopefully we are making the right decision.

 

Fastelavn

It is a Danish tradition to have this once a year Fancy Dress event when children dressed up to hit the black cat out of a barrel. Then all the sweets poured out of the barrel.

It can also be a costly affair for parents -  an expensive outfit that is wore only once! Of course, you can't recycle it for next year - that's bad taste!!! This is one Danish tradition that I can do without (oops, I hope I am not offending anyone).

(You may ask, what would those poor Danish parents do to keep in step? Well, there are no poor Danes in Denmark. Everyone is equally rich :-) That is why Danes are the Happiest People In the World - No stress, no lack of money, just enjoy life :-) Welcome to Denmark - The Paradise on Earth)

Maybe it is a way by which Danish parents love their children and wonderful to see their children all dressed up once a year, and my heart is definitely warmed by the efforts they make to let their children feel special.

I tried to embrace this tradition for the last 3 years, after all, when in Rome, do as the Romans do, but my attempts failed.

Maybe it is because growing up poor in Singapore where the only time I got a set or two of new clothes was during Chinese New Year, which I looked towards with anticipation, and I am thus unable to embrace this extravagance, even though money is not a problem for us now.

It is just too much money to throw on an outfit, so we bought him a Spiderman outfit from the flea market complete with muscles so that he doesn't feel left out.

But to my great surprise J didn't wish to be all dolled up as Spiderman or Batman, but just this simple knight outfit. He was with the crowd, but didn't feel the need to out-perform the crowd. Ok, mommy is learning a lesson here from J... I can be true to myself and not embrace this tradition, and that it's ok not to be a Roman for once. I can be strong like J :-)

J told me as a matter-of-factly that one of his friends was dressed as Ninja Turtle complete with green make-up for the face. I asked him if he was sad that mommy did not do more. It was no big deal to him. I am proud of his strength and confidence to stand up against peer pressure... and wonder if it will continue even when he hits teenage...

You can read more here about Danish Fastelavn here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fastelavn

Hard Work and Academic Success

Last Saturday, we watched a Danish documentary about how hard work brings academic success using the so-called "Chinese" method. Here is the video broadcasted on 23 March 2013:

http://www.dr.dk/tv/se/sadan-opdrager-du-en-vinder/sadan-opdrager-du-en-vinder#!/00:11

That sets me thinking...

In general, the Chinese are known to be extremely hardworking (but there will always be exception. I have known many many extremely lazy Chinese too).

The Chinese value hard work more than intelligence.

The Chinese's greatest strength of hard work is also the Chinese's greatest weakness.

There is no quality of life. What a life! No one would wish for.

But the Chinese had no choice - no choice in the past, nor any choice in the future, except to be hard-working.

There is NO WAY OUT.

Since ancient times, the Chinese competed with the Chinese to be the number one scholar serving the emperor.

The ancient Chinese stories are full of stories of the Chinese burning mid-night oil, studying under candle light to prepare themselves for the scholar exam.

It was so 5000 years ago. It is so now.

With overpopulation, the Chinese society is highly competitive where only the fittest survive.

In this grim perspective, it is comforting to know that if you are hardworking, you will survive no matter what. If you are hardworking, willing and able to take hardship, there will be jobs for you.

This is what every Chinese child is taught from young. This was also what I was taught by my dad as a child. This was also what I was taught by my teachers in school in Singapore.

Contrary to what the rest of the world think, the Chinese are not competing with others.

No, the Chinese are actually competing with themselves.

The Chinese environment is very harsh. Any other environment in the world is most likely softer.

It is hard to compete with the Chinese and their ability to work hard, make sacrifice and take hardship, as they are born and breed in such a harsh environment, and thus are used to such environment.

The Chinese children spend a long period in school - up to 9 hours daily, excluding extra classes after school - within the school compound. This means that the Chinese children spend time longer in school than the Danes spend daily working, since Danish working hours are 37 hours a week.

For high school students in China, it is the norm for teachers and students to go home at 11pm after tuition.

Thereafter, the Chinese teenager self-study until 2am. The day normally starts at 6am. You need to get to school by 7am.

My Chinese friend used to tell me how she would watch her neighbour who attended the same school as she was. If the neighbour switched off the lights at 3am, she would try to match that.

Here is an article on schooling in China:

http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/china/2007-05/13/content_871182.htm

According to the Danish TV station, the video "followed the family Bentzen, with the help of a Chinese coach to do the family's two children  to do better in school. The method is two hours of extra school work every day and personal trainer to coach their leisure activities. The children are sent to exam before and after the course. The question is: Can the Danish family survive living with a simulated, albeit somewhat water-down "Chinese-type" pressure? The goal of the video is to examine how the upbringing and parents influence their children's success. Have they been beaten to do homework or have they been allowed to take care of themselves and have only been surrounded by love without demands?"

The Danish kids in the video was behind in their school by at least 1.5 years compared to the students in their class.

After being coached by a Chinese and having 2 hours of homework and revision for a month, their grades have improved equivalent to half a year - in just a month. That's a remarkable achievement.

According to the Chinese coach Xinxin, if the children do not do well in school, it is the parents who are to be blamed.

The Danish parents, especially the mom, sacrificed to make it work, coaching her children for 2 hours after work everyday. The whole family has enjoyed the fruit of the labour. But can the Danish family continue at this tempo, especially the Danish parents? This will remain a question mark.

What implications have this on J?

After watching the Danish video, I am convinced of working hard is the way to go.

We should not stop working hard for academic success. It is good to work hard. With hard work comes the reward of being good at something.

It is no good to work hard at the expense of everything else. It is important to strike a balance.

We will not set the goal of competing with the Chinese with working hard. There is no way we can beat them.

We will set the goal of being at least on par with the Singaporeans, although it is getting increasingly more difficult, growing up in a softer environment.

However, life in Denmark is not secure 30 years for now. J must be able to be agile enough to move out even to the Chinese world.

That would mean that J has to embrace the value of hard work, pursue academic success and be able to understand Mandarin, if not being fluent in it.

This should be done in a good balance.

However, the challenge is finding a balance - both for me as a mom and for J.

But we will have to try.

How to Address Chinese Family Relations Correctly?

This is what I struggle with when visiting Singapore, how to properly address everyone and how to teach J. I always get it wrong, especially when meeting all the relatives. I wanted to make a post on the different titles for Chinese relations, but this video gives a comprehensive list and save me from making such a post :-)

http://www.facebook.com/#!/photo.php?v=619626884719224

Cultural Differences...

The extent Chinese parents will sacrifice for the education of their children...

Here is an article about a Chinese family taking jobs as public toilet cleaners… but they are so poor they have to live in it.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2236286/Chinese-family-jobs-public-toilet-cleaners--poor-live-it.html

The quality of education in the countryside though free, cannot be compared to the city. This Chinese family moved to the city to give their son a better quality education... not unlike the Singaporeans who move home to within 2 km of the school of their choice... thus the extreme high property prices in Singapore near good schools.

In Denmark, people don't quite choose their home according to the school, they choose the home, then the school. In Singapore, people choose the school, then the home. In China, people choose the city of the school, then the home... even if the home is in the toilet...

In school in Singapore, I used to learn in Chinese classes stories about legendary Chinese of ancient times, who undertook extreme hardship and overcame all odds... It is hard to believe that this still exists in real life in China... I sincerely hope that this family's efforts would pay off. At least, their son looked very motivated in his studies in the photo... that is a good start.

Are they happy?

I quote:

"Despite her cramped living conditions Wang Xuanna says: 'Happiness isn’t about money. Happiness is about a loving family. I feel happy because my husband cares about me and my son is a good boy.'" Food-for-thought for the rest of us...

To the west, this may be absurb, but I do admire this Chinese family for their courage, determination and perseverance.

I ask myself: Can I do it?

I do have a lot of courage, determination and perseverance... but I don't think I can live in a toilet... unless the toilet is tiled with marble and fully carpeted... I have been raised up too soft in Singapore.

But even if I could, can my Danish hubby do it?

I don't think so. He already complained that the primary school I signed J up is too far away from our home :-(