C Summary: Happy 7th Month Old

Dear Baby FECS

Happy 7th month old. In less than 6 months' time, you will no longer be a baby. Oh how time flies... childhood is so short... and babyhood is shorter still.

Soon Mommy will be back in the office. The most politically correct thing to say at work would be, "Oh I am looking so much forward to be back. It woud be so nice to do something different for a change, and to get some "me time" :-)."

To some moms, this would be true, but to Mommy, this would be pure white lies.

Mommy's most honest answer would be, "Oh I miss my baby so much, is it possible for me to work part-time?"

At best, this is a career-suicidal answer that only a dumb mom would think of saying, and at worst, risk of losing the job.

Would Mommy have the courage (or the stupidity) to tell the truth?

Love,
Your Dumb Mommy

What Kind of Memory You Want to Leave Behind as a Mom?

I have so few pictures of my time together with my mum as I was growing up,
but the fond memores stayed in my mind.
This is one of the rare pictures of my mum bringing my brother and me to Botanica Gardens,
and I took part in a drawing competition (my broher wasn't interested)
Needless to say, I didn't win anything, but that wasn't important.
What was important was that I was with my mum, and we did things together.
Btw, the girl in green, wow, she was good in her art, and it was really beautiful. She was one of the winners.
In this picture, I was the girl in the red dress, and my mum was the one in the strip T-shirt and blue pants.

How do you want to make memories with your children?

My question is not how do you want your children to remember you, but how do you want to make memories with your children?

The difference with the former and the latter is time.

Your child can remember you with love and respect, but you might still not have made memories with your child.

For example, I know of someone who remembers his mum with love and respect, but there is not much shared memories with her. His mum was a Full-Time Working Mom (FTWM).

So, what kind of memory do I want J to remember, when he leaves home? How much of me will he have of his childhood memories? If so, would it be fond memories?

When I think of my own childhood, I have fond memories of my mum making lunch and dinner in the kitchen for the family, everyday without fail. Images of my brother, sister and I sitting at the table having dinner flashed back, and flooded my heart with warmth. My mum cooked the food laboriously. She cooked it with love. She cooked it diligently.

When I fell sick, I had fond memories of my mum being there to nurse me throughout the night. My mum could do so, because she did not have to wake up to go to work the following day.

Although my mum could not help me with English, Maths or Science, she helped me with Chinese. When I recall my childhood, I recall my mum giving me 听写  (Chinese spelling). I used to get the range of 90% to 100% marks in the Chinese examinations throughout my primary school. The high Chinese standard I obtained was all thanks to my mum.

I have fond memories of my mum bringing me to swimming classes, reading her newspapers while waiting for my brother and me to finish our class.

Mid-Autumn Festival event organised by the Holland Village CC.
From right: My brother, me and my best childhood friend, Meimei

I have fond memories of going to the NTUC supermarket with my mum to buy groceries. I recall going to the wet-market with my mum every morning to buy vegetables and meat.

Looking back, my mum was there for us children. I have never doubted my mother’s love for me. I rested securely in her love, and still do today, although with age... our roles have reversed.

My mum could do all these for the family and me, because she was a Stay-At-Home Mom (SAHM). My mum did not have much education. So the opportunity cost of going out to work was very low. She would not be giving up a high salary.

And me as a mom today?

Cooking dinner is a struggle for me everyday. I can make it. But I am in a survival mode, because I am operating on Just-In-Time (JIT) concept. Sure, I can choose to buy take-away dinner. Sure, we can eat in restaurants everyday if we choose to. Sure, we can even have a maid to delegate cooking and ironing (we already have cleaning help). But is this the kind of memories I want to leave behind?

Just packets of take-away dinner on the table? (Sure, I can put it onto nice plates which I do, but it is not the same.) Always stressing to make it home on time after work? Always rushing so that we can have a bed time that will allow me to wake up in time for work the following day?

I asked Mr. FECS, what kind of childhood memory he has of his mum?

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Not much. No doubt, he respects his mum and love her. But there wasn't much memories of doing things together. His mum was a FTWM. It is a matter of priorities, given the same amount of time.

In the modern world, it is of course important for women to be financially independent. It is good for power balance and equality in the marriage. Before I departed for Denmark 12 years ago, the parting words of advice that my Finance Director gave to me was, "Elaine, remember this always, you have to be financially independent and have your own job." She wished me well in Denmark. I am very grateful for her advice, and I still do today. She did it really for my good. It is very true of course. So I know full well the risks that SAHMs have taken.

There are trade-offs in life.

If I choose to rest securely in my financial independence, I gain power, respect and recognition from the society, but I do not have so much time with my child to do the simple daily things. I won’t be able to make home-cooked food for my child everyday. When J falls sick (thankfully he hardly does), my whole daily system is close to collapse since I am fully stretched juggling work and family.

Sure, I did manage to do many activities with J even when I was a FTWM, and I am proud of my achievements. I can do it and I have become highly efficient and effective at doing it. And I get the thrill of performing JIT stunts that allowed me to save time. But it is not without cost. I am always juggling. Although we manage somehow, it will be more enjoyable if I do not have such a punishing schedule. (And of course, I am the one who is punishing myself, since I choose to do it all).

We can do a thorough cost-and-benefit analysis of FTWM vs. SAHM, but at the end of the day, the key question boils down to - what kind of memories do you want your children to have of their childhood with you?

It is not even because as SAHM, we can be there for our children to coach them in their school work, although this is a positive by-product of SAHM. Really, it is because as SAHM, we can be there for our children during their growing up years, and as we all know, children grow up at lightning speed.

No doubt, I want J to remember me as a mom who is always there for him, in terms of time. Not just the vacations that we take him to, but the DAILY LIFE that we have together. Not just the expensive toys that we buy for him, but the DAILY ACTIVITIES we do with him.

Some low-income families cannot be with their children, because they have no choice but to take on additional jobs to bring home the bread. Some high-income families too cannot be with their children, because the opportunity cost of letting go of that well-paid  job is just too high.

It is such a difficult decision…

Now I am beginning to understand the wisdom from the Bible when it says that it is a blessing to be neither rich nor poor, but to have just enough:

“…give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread.” Proverbs 30:8

The key point is what kind of memories do I want to make with my child?

No one can have it all. Power, respect and recognition from the world through a well-paid job, or a simple life with lots of time with my child?

I am reflecting on this question currently, and hopefully I won't live my life with regrets about my choice 15 years from now when J is grown up and moves away from home.

Here are some other moms' experiences to provide for a more balanced view point:

http://homeschoolingsonshine.blogspot.dk/search?q=stay+at+home
http://theplayfulparents.com/playful-parent-sarah/
http://ingspirations.com/2010/05/20/why-i-stay-home/
http://www.loveourchildrennow.sg/2011/12/11/whyforth-art-thou-a-sahm/
http://ourlittlesmarties.com/2009/08/5-great-things-about-working-motherhood/
http://www.mamaworkinprogress.com/2013/06/looking-back-on-stay-at-home-motherhood.html
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/grown-and-flown/why-i-regret-being-a-stay-at-home-mom_b_3402691.html

J Summary (6Y3M3D) - One-On-One Date with Mommy to the Library

The piano class was cancelled today. It is my day off. So our Little FECS and I had some one-to-one time. I fetched him a little early from school today, and we went to library.  

The teacher wanted us parents to familiarize the children with the Danish letters, before they start school, and I haven't done anything with that at all yet! Gosh, J will be very far behind the other Danish kids!!! So I started downloading some iPAD apps, and we went to the library to borrow some letter sound books.

He loves going to the library, and when I picked him up, he got ready really fast :-)

The Danish library is super top grade, just missing English books for kids... my only wish list :-)

I packed an avocado milkshake along, knowing that he would be hungry. 

He ate the left-over from the school lunch pack. Before I picked him up from school, I had started steaming some eggs on low heat and cooking some rice. So when we were back, dinner was ready.

We just returned from a family gathering with my in-law generation. Seeing them, all their kids grown up, and they are now retired in their twilight years, reminds me that soon it will be our turn... our Little FECS will grow up in now time...

Thus, I really treasure the memories. It was pure joy to be able to take my time, and go to the library with our Little FECS. I could only do so, because I am now on part-time, which is the best of both worlds I am enjoying now. I will come to miss it dearly when this part-time arrangement is over. When I have to go back to work full time. It is such a dilemma. I wish I could continue part-time, or be a SAHM if part-time work is no longer possible, for another two years. That is my dream, but I haven't the courage to do so yet. I hope we will make the right decision, with blessing from Mr. FECS (hey, honey, hope you are reading this!). It is a risk to take myself out of the work market for two years... but life is just to short not savor every moment with your child...

I have designated a basket for our library books, so that we will return to return and will not mix them up with our books. Hopefully this system will work :-)

After we left the library, we did Montessori activity floating and sinking after dinner. After shower, we need Montessori Dynamic subtraction. Then we played with some shape puzzles, before bedtime reading. Our Little FECS went to bed very late at 8.45pm, but he only fell asleep at 9.15pm, which was way too late. I still need to work on the bedtime. Time went so fast, and the day was gone.

J Summary (6Y2M27D) - Date One-On-One with Mommy :-)

Date one-on-one with mommy :-)

I mentioned in one of my posts about the importance of having date one-on-one (DOO) with our child. Daddy FECS is away on course, so it was a perfect time for Mommy FECS to have a one-on-one date with our Little FECS. After his piano class in the city, we went to the scout shop to buy a scout knife for him (Our Little FECS started scouting recently.) Thereafter, we gave ourselves a treat for dinner at our favorite Chinese restaurant, indulging in the Singaporean's favorite pastime - food :-)

I explained to him that he should see it as something special that we could go to a restaurant on our date together. This is because mommy is working part-time, and therefore has the time and the means*. If mommy loses her job, or when mommy and daddy retire, we will no longer be able to do that. Thus, he should treasure it as a special treat and not take it as a given.

Before heading home, we bought some Chinese groceries at Chinatown. This evening, after showering, we worked on Montessori Subtraction Stamp Game. Then we baked apple biscuits together at his request. He played with iPAD while waiting for the biscuits to be ready from the oven. We went to bed reading a Bible story from the Children's Bible encyclopedia and a Chinese book on Li Bai, before lights off at 8.45 pm (way too late, I know, next time, I should not agree to bake apple biscuits. I am still working on moving the sleeping schedule up). I am grateful to God for giving us the health, the time and the surplus for today. It is not something that I take for granted.

I am working on establishing this one-on-one relationship with our Little FECS while he is still young, and hopefully this tradition that we started will continue well into his adulthood :-) But even if he doesn't, we will still have the rich memory to fall back on that will put a smile on my face :-) This is the reason I made the difficult decision to work part-time. This is the reason that I snapped so many pictures and diligently documenting the sequence of event. I want to remember it. Please pardon me :-)

P.S. * The time-money dilemma trade off:

1. If mommy works full time, we will have the means, but not the time.

2. If mommy does not work, we will have the time, but not the means.

3. If mommy works part-time, we are fortunate that we will both have the time and the means.

I am very blessed and thankful for this opportunity to work part-time and treasure it greatly, while it lasts...

You do not have to go to a restaurant in order to have a special date one-on-one. A walk in the park just you and your child is equally special and keeps the child down-to-earth :-)

The scout knife that I bought for our Little FECS

J Summary (5Y6M6D) - I Love Daddy and Mommy Most :-)

Life is full of ups and downs... lately I am downcasted, discouraged by seeing many choosing to follow political expediency, rather than doing the right things. My heart cried out as the Psalmist, "Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure; in vain have I washed my hands in innocence." Psalm 73:13. Yet during my dark moments, God gently cheered my heart and gave me the best Christmas gift I could ask for tonight.

While J was brushing his teeth getting ready for bed, he said that he loved mommy most. I said, "Aha, nope, nope, that should be Daddy, I know :-)"

Then he cheekily said, "Daddy is the daddy I love the most in the world, and mommy is the mommy I love the most in the world :-)" half laughing, knowing full well of course that he has only one daddy and one mommy.

Then he said, "I love Mommy most, because my mommy is the only mommy who teaches me how to play the piano, who brings me for music class, who teaches me Chinese and do all the other things with me (he meant swimming, Maths, Science experiments, etc.)"

If I ever have any slightest doubt about whether I have made the right choices, whether I have been pushing J too hard, whether I have made J's life too hectic, his words soothe my doubts away.

Just a year back, I started my part-time work journey... Tonight I have gotten my reward for the decision I have made a year ago, how timely God's encouragement is :-) I held his words close to my heart.

I am archiving this, because years later, when J is grown and moved out of the house, I may start to regret my lost career. That is when I will take this out and remind myself, why I have chosen what I have chosen.

We don't always know if we are doing the right things, but if we keep faith with God, we can have the assurance that God will always direct our path and keep us from falling, when we stumble.

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:23

J Summary (4Y11M12D) - Reviewing The Goal for Weekly Family Meeting Night (WFMN)

For those who have read my blog, you will know that my greatest wish for my family is to have Family Time. I believe that having a strong family tradition helps build a strong and secured family team-spirit with deep bonding that makes us truly one.

But what should go into our family traditions?

Of all the family traditions, I believe that regular Family Time is perhaps the most important. I believe it will help creates a healthy and strong family culture that enables us with more resilence to withstand the external influences of the popular culture, when our children reach the turbulent teenage years.

Of all the family traditions, this is also the hardest to implement - at least for us. It requires an anchor person in the family to facilitate this role. But time, the lack of it, barred me from truly pursuing this goal. We could have more money or more time, but we couldn't have both. We have chosen time.

In 2013, I have decided, with the blessings given by my Significant Other, to step down on my career responsibilities by going part-time, releasing me time to truely work on the foundational work of our family. J is soon 5 years old, and it could not have been more timely.

It has been 3.5 years since I started the blog, and we have not achieved it yet, let alone even started Weekly Family Time. But all these time, I have not given up. I have been praying, reading and preparing myself emotionally.

One of the most useful things I have gleaned from the book "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families" by Stephen R. Covey is Family Time. Among many other books that I read, Covey gave the most insightful, interesting ideas and practical ways of how to introduce a Weekly Family Meeting (WFM).

I will be summarizing down my learnings as a way for me to digest my them as I prayerfully work towards introducing it to my family hopefully this year. I am sharing with you with the hope that it may inspire you consider having regular Family Time with you family.

Please join me here to learn more.

Quality Time Needs Quantity Time to Appear

I am reading "What Kids Need MOST in a Mom" by Patricia H. Rushford. Some wisdom that I gleaned from it. It reminded that quality time cannot be planned. Mothering takes place. Full-stop. If I may be allowed to quote:

"You have planned the perfect outing and your kids tell you of their plans. Such premeditated plot tends to keep a parent's eyes focused on the time, not on the child. Special moments with a child come at the oddest moments, and the best way to capture them is to relax and let them happen. Sometimes, quality time comes when your mind is focused in an entirely different direction."

"Special moments are like seeds. They must be planted and watered before you can expect them to grow. Then be ready to stop and enjoy the flowers - when they come."

All too familiar I laugh to myself. Remember that special and expensive vacation that you have planned with your child set in perfect setting - clear blue sky, white snow cap, mountain top, deep blue sea? And all went sour and not so special afterall?

In short, quality time needs quantity time. When it happens, just make sure to seize it.

Personal learnings for me:

Being a highly efficient person not wanting to waste a dim of time, it is hard for me to do nothing. I am tempted to pack my day with a whole list of To-Dos, and ticking off each item. Even as I am now working part-time, there just isn't enough time in a day to do everything. I need to allow myself and tell myself that it is ok to drop some balls, to drop my To-Do list and seize the special moments. I need to go easy with the Montessori activities and the workbooks, and allow myself grace if they are not fitted within a day.

Oh blessed are those stay-at-home moms. They have the courage to go for what truely matters in life. They have the courage to give success a different definition against society's norm. And as a result, they are blessed with the quantity time to be there to catch the quality time and special moments with their children. What they have sacrificed in terms of income, professional positions in lives, etc. they have gotten back a 100 folds with the special memories made by being there and seizing the moments!

Time

Children grow so fast. Spend time with them. If I may be allowed to quote the poem by Patricia H. Rushford:

If time were diamonds...
would I gather each precious moment to my breast?
And when they fade would I mourn and wish them back?
Or would I simply sigh - thankful for memories,
And move on to the next,
Knowing I had done my best.

Extract from "What Kids Need MOST in a Mom" that I am currently reading:

Thinking Out Loud...

Courageously, I am stepping out on the journey learning to be a professional mom, one that is not paid... and one that is perhaps going against the flow and approval of the modern society. It is just my first month and I am only half-way there (part-time 50%). I am enjoying it and feeling very fulfilled for the first time in my life after Joshua was born, but I haven't the co...urage to look at this month's pay-check yet. (Ok, promise to let you know if I have changed my mind, after seeing the 50% reduced pay-check

What I have learned from Margaret Thatcher, who perhaps had the greatest and highest professional career a woman could ever have - being a Prime Minister. She made great sacrifices too, not just for a worthy institution, but for her beloved country, the Great Britain, and she too had to be contented with her lot in life.

It is great to have a great corporate career, and it is also equally great to be a professional mom. One is not better than the other. Both have my respect. Both require sacrifice, but we have to be happy with our lot in life. I have chosen the path of devoting my time to being a professional mom. Yes, being a mom. Full stop. That will be my chosen profession for the next 10 years. Enjoy the ride

Balancing Retirement Plan...

Met up with a dear dear friend my age, who had all her retirement plan planned out beautifully and at such a young age like mine, she already made a lot and knows that she would be able to retire in style... and I thought to myself how wise she is not to overspend, not to have debts, but to save and invest for retirement. As her wealth increases, so is she also busy managing her wealth, monitoring... the markets - insurance, stocks, bonds, property markets, etc.

Then I look at myself. I just went part-time, so less money to plan for retirement.....

Then a voice whispered into my ears... are you sure you still want to go part-time????

(Pause)

And I answer, yes, I still want to go part-time.

I won't have the time to monitor markets and with less money now, I don't have the need to spend time monitoring the markets

Though I will not be able to retire in style, i will still be able to retire in peace. I am not poor, I will not go hungry. I will be content with that.

I have now passed the second temptation in the first month of going part-time.

But my friend's good habits of not overspending, saving and investing will continue to inspire me to continue in these good habits I will be re-looking at insurance. Thanks very much, my dear friend

I am very happy with my friend's lot in life, and I am very happy with my lot in life

The Bible says:

"give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread. Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you and say, ‘Who is the Lord?’ Or I may become poor and steal, and so dishonor the name of my God." - Proverbs 30: 8-9

Learnings from Margaret Thatcher

Perhaps no matter how powerful a woman is/was, at the heart of a woman is still family... this would not be her regret in her 30s, 40s and 50s, but came at her 80s... Food-for-thought from the late ex-British Prime Minister:

"If I had my t...ime again, I wouldn't go into politics because of what it does to your family."

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/politics/margaret-thatcher/9982157/Margaret-Thatcher-Yes-I-wish-I-saw-more-of-my-children.-But-I-cant-regret.html

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2120025/Margaret-Thatcher-If-I-time-I-wouldnt-politics-effect-family.html

Wisdom From Other Blogs: Is Your Child’s Schedule Too Tight?

Something for me to learn, especially as an Asian with a super-kiasu tendency mom :-)

"…children in urban contexts …are constantly being moved from one activity to another. They are hurried in the morning and rushed to bed at night, with a... flurry of activities throughout the day. There is precious little time for thoughtful conversations and exchanges because those things take time. Without opportunities for reflection, it is difficult to consolidate any information."

And how true... I am attest to this after going part-time:

"A person not overstretched by a tight schedule is likely to have a calmer, sharper sense of mind to appreciate the true purpose of an activity, and savour the sweetness of idle moments as time well spent."

 

http://dadsforlife.sg/fatherhood101/is-your-childs-schedule-too-tight

In Mourning...

It is done. I have cried over it. I have updated my Linkedin Profile - and it serves as my career obituary.

How funny how my Significant Other has been nudging me for the past 5 years (or since Linkedin started) to update my profile, but I didn't get around to doing it. Most update their profile, when intensifying job search, and here I am, ironically updating my profile as part of the closure and grieving process.

In grieving, I am saying good-bye to a raise that requires working full-time. This temptation has been a big struggle. I might not get another change again, but I will never get back J's golden childhood years.

In grieving, I am officially ending my professional life as a "lion". From today onwards, as a Part-Time Working Mom (PTWM), I will not be competing on equal footing as with others who work full-time, but as a friend of mine puts it, "this is something I accept as part of the package deal."

No, my Linkedin profile is not glorious. I am not any accomplished female CEO or something, but it reflected me, and no matter how small and insignificant it is to others, it is my sweats and time, my hard work and achievements over the past 15 years in my work life.

In doing so, I am learning to let go. I am learning to let go of having a false sense of self-esteem that is defined by my worldly profession.

In learning to let go, I am learning to truely understand the concept that I am created in the image of God and I have value simply because I exist and I am learning to build a self-esteem simply on this fact.

In allowing myself to grieve, I am learning not to get caught up with my career for which I had difficulty prioritizing, but to turn my face towards the goal of motherhood, which is the my highest calling and priority. I cannot serve both. Something must give, and I have made a choice. The Bible says:

"No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money."

(Matthew 6:24)

In grieving, I am allowing my mourning to run its course and turn into joy. I am excited about the journey that I am about take to be able to truely dive deep and learn from other great moms past and present and to immulate them. I count it a privilege. No doubt, I will surely stumble and fall along the way, but I know God will help me through. But I will hold on to God's promise in the Bible:

"The Lord makes firm the steps of the one who delights in him; though he may stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand."
(Psalm 37: 23-24)

Finding that Balance...

Before J came along, some people have told me that I am putting in 120% in my work. I took pride in that statement as proof that I didn't steal any of my employer's time. Whatever that I am paid for, I have given back in full - and more. I am also a perfectionist and very proud of my work. Nothing can shame me more than a project poorly executed, and very often that critique is myself. The pressure comes from within. My Significant Other said to me that I have to come to terms that I can no longer be a "lion" at work. It is another phase of my life.

But yet perhaps subconsciously I am still doing the same, even after J was born, and subconsciously, I am also putting in 120% in my family. I may be able to come to terms with not being a "lion" at work, but I could not come to terms with the guilt that lingers on. Something has to give. The price is that I am running my health down.

I have told myself that I will scale down, but each time I hit the office, I could not bring myself home without waiting for the eleventh hour, rushing and coming home late (and lots of takeaway dinners!) I truly admire working moms who can do that.

This National Day, I was reading more about LKY and his late-wife, and it led me to this blog post and I came across a very wise speech that our Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong made for Singapore National Day 2008. His words, especially those words that I have marked in red and bold, which made me sit up and think:

"...ultimately the woman or the man must make a personal choice. Do you work 110 per cent on your career or do you set aside time for other activities, for a balanced life? I think each person has to decide his or her own point of balance."

"I remember my own experience. I’m a beneficiary of this. My mother was a lawyer. But every day she came home to have lunch with us. So every day we come home from school, three of us, my mother is there, we have lunch. Nowadays you would call it quality time. This was before people invented such big words. All it meant was she had time for us, we had time to talk to her."

"And it was a tremendous help. She avoided going out at night for functions. She had to go for, accompany my father, but business functions, very seldom. What it meant is less takings as a lawyer, less work, less conveyancing, but she decided her children were more important to her. And she acted on that and I think she was happy with that. And we’re definitely very grateful for that."

"Today it’s harder to do this. The office hours are longer, the pace is more intense. People call them “office hours”. You must put quotes there because it starts in the morning but it doesn’t finish after dinner. And at home you are working, on holidays you’re working too on e-mail or Blackberry or whatever."

"But despite this, I think you have to maintain a balanced, fulfilling life and you have to keep a pace which is sustainable not just for one, two years and you burn out, but for a lifetime and you are in balanced equilibrium, and at the end of your life or when you retire you say I’m satisfied, I had a good career, I’ve taken care of my family, I’ve brought up children, this is what life is about."

"Work-life balance also applies to the children. I know a lot of parents complain about stress on their children, and especially complain because they say the education system causes the stress. We’ve trimmed the school syllabi – teach less, learn more."

No one can please everyone, and no one can escape from criticism, especially if one is a Prime Minister, but for me, I am very thankful to God for giving us such a wise, humble and personable Prime Minister, one who has a lot of integrity and compassion, despite having a job that has to please so many different stakeholders.

PM LEE's full National Day Speech can be found here:
http://www.sgpolitics.net/?p=475
http://www.sgpolitics.net/?p=477

I am running at a pace that is perhaps not sustainable in the long run.

I always think whether I have given enough at work. I am slowly learning that it is ok not to give 120% to my work, without feeling guilty. It is really ok. It doesn't matter what others think of me. It is also ok that I no longer choose to be a "lion" at work. I choose to be a mom, and it is ok not to hide this fact at work (I always choose the fastest exit, hoping no one will notice my departing). I am a mom. I don't have to act and pretend that. I will walk proud, when I leave the office.

I think having this said by someone such as our Prime Minister helps me to lessen my guilt towards my job.

Finding that balance, I am still working on it.

A Reminder to Ourselves Why Our Family Have Chosen What We Have Chosen

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I am writing down to remind ourselves why we are choosing what we will be choosing for the sake of J and JN, so that...

when days of discouragement come,
when our direction is clouded with doubts,
when temptation strikes,
when the going gets tough... and we forget why we have chosen what we have chosen...

I will take this journal out and remember why we have chosen what we have chosen, helping us to remain steadfast in our decision.

1. The Urgency to Be There

The risks are high, but there is still hope for JN. But someone needs to provide the moral support and comfort. No one else will care enough to make the necessary investment. The urgency is now and it requires time. My heart aches as I read into the possible pyschological effects such children face. The hardship is further aggravated by ADHD. Here are quotes from various sources:

"The neglectful parent doesn't express much love and also doesn't really care enough to discipline. Their children tend to grow up with little or no lasting relationship with Mom or Dad. They're estranged because they feel forsaken. The parents' neglect may not necessarily be intentional — they may simply be in the midst of their own traumas and chaos, and consumed by their needs so much that they ignore or neglect the needs of their children. They don't purposely desire to neglect their kids, but they don't know how to deal with their own issues adequately and don't have the tools to be healthy parents.

Children with neglectful parents also have difficulty in school. Neglectful parents often shift the responsibility of monitoring the education of the child to another child in the family or the school system. As a result, when these children struggle in school, there is no parental guidance to get them the help that they need.

The result of these types of experiences can be devastating. These children are likely to feel alone, empty, and timid. Such a person is more prone to promiscuity, fear of failure and weariness toward life. They will find it more difficult to handle feelings of insecurity and withstand unhealthy peer pressure. They may experience trouble forming healthy relationships. Because they do not receive the necessary love from their parents, they often struggle to develop appropriate social skills with others, which lead them to loneliness. As a result, they often end up alone or in difficult marriages. Since their emotional needs were not met, they continue to seek to have their own needs met. This seeking can lead to the person becoming a neglectful parent themselves.

These children grow up with unbelievably deep emotional scars, and their only hope is to find Christ. The good news is not all children end up this way. There are some intervening factors that can prove helpful. One factor is if the child encounters healthy adults who are genuinely interested in their growth and are willing to serve as godly role models."

2. Building Competence

Many books talk about the importance of building competence one of the ways to building self-esteem, especially for children with ADHD. To do this, it spells TIME. It takes time to help a child discover his strengths and to develop a skill to compensate. Again no one else will care enough to make the necessary investment.

3. I Chose to be There. Full Stop.

The success or failure of this investment will not be a determinant factor of our decision. I chose to avail myself to JN. We chose to make this investment. It doesn't matter if it hadn't turn out well. The determinant is to provide a mentor for JN. And the most important thing is that at least I have tried and given my best. We shall not look back with regrets.

4. Closing Window of Opportunity

We had a meeting with J's kindergarten's principal. She brought up a very good point, that the window of opportunity is closing. J will be entering primary school in two years and JN will be a full-fledge teenager. If mom is to have any influence, it is when the child is young, and are looking up to parents. When the child enters school, his worldview will be pointed outwards, and parents will become more and more uncool to hang out with. If it is only to be the most important few years, it will be now. Kids grow up at lightning speed. Once missed, we will miss it forever.

5. Trilingualism Path

In our family, we have chosen the trilingualism path for J. I spoke with a colleague who is trilingual. How did her mom do it? Were there any trade offs and sacrifice? She told me that she attended language classes on weekends. Since her mom was working full time, she sacrificed her weekends (while her husband worked a lot). So, no one can do it all. Daddy and I are not willing to give up our weekends. Counting only waking time, J is experiencing Danish 10 hours a day, which is 70% of the time, leaving the remaining 30% for Chinese and English. Without a sufficient amount of time for interacting in Chinese and English, our trilingual path would not fly. It is important for me to have more time with J so that he is experiencing a higher percentage of his wake time with Chinese and English.

6. Making Memories

I choose to be the one to chauffeur J around to his activities, because I want to be the one in his childhood memory, when he grows up. We could have easily employed a nanny, but I won't be making the memories, because I am not there. I want to be there for his activities to cheer for him; to pick him up, when he falls; to encourage him, when he is down; to lend a shoulder, even if there are no words that I can offer. Kids grow up at lightning speed. Once missed, we will miss it forever.

7. The Importance of Reserved Time

On days when I feel that I haven't been so efficient and productive, that I haven't achieved much, but have wasted precious time, I will remember the importance of reserve time, and remind myself why we have chosen to make this decision.

8. Self-Discipline

I am easily consumed and absorbed by my job. I don't have the self-discipline not to place my job above everything else, and it can become an idol. As such, it will be better if I take the decision to scale down.

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What is it that I want to do?

What is it that I want to do?

I can do so many things.

I want to do so many things.

I want to be the Best wife.

I want to be the Best mom.

I want to be the Best Auntie to JN, and my nephews and nieces.

I want to be the Best daughter.

I want to be the Best daughter-in-law.

I want to be the Best employee to the organization I love.

I want to be the Best friend to my best friend.

I want to be the Best money-making machine (a.k.a my own business). That gives me self-esteem from the world.

In short, I want to be a SuperMom SuperWoman!

But I cannot do everything. This is a time-tested principle that no one can defy.

My recent health has jogged me to the reality that God made me a mortal out of flesh and blood, and not a Superwoman. Oh God, why didn't you make me a Superwoman!!!

This time-tested principle is not just the case for FTWM, but also for SAHM. Here is a great post by a SAHM, facing the same problems as me (but she also has 4 children!!!), and it is soooooo comforting to read her post.

It is a good reminder from her that this principle also applies to our children. We all have very talented children, don't we? We are so blessed that we can give our children so many options. The author rightly puts it, "Our children cannot do everything." At some point, they need to specialize. Our role as parents is to help them find their strength and competence. (And of course the process involves trying out different things, before finally making a choice of specialization. To do this, it spells TIME from us parents!!! And this is where I have to learn to strike a balance - not easy.)

Proposal to my boss on a work option came back with counter-proposal with all the exciting and tempting things/opportunities that I can pursue at work, which would be a pity for me to let go, and which now brings me back to square-one.

I need to prioritize and stick to my choice. I guess the way I have listed the above items has given myself a clue as to where my heart really is.

I need to allow myself to grieve over all those things that I have set in my heart to let go... to let them go, let them go, let them go.

As temptation comes my way, I need to have the self-control to stand firm.

I need to go on my knees and pray that I have the wisdom to make the right decision for our family.

The Importance of Reserve Time

In our juggling of life, whether one is SAHM, FTWM or PTWM, we often either overlook or dismiss the importance of having reserve time. Here are some thought-provoking advice from Dr. James Robson, one who has raised up his children well, and is in the position to share his advice to “young” parents like me. According to Dr. Robson:

“Parents whose kids are in the middle of a tumultuous adolescent experience must maintain a “reserve army.” A good military general will never commit all his troops to combat at the same time. He maintains a reserve force that can relieve the exhausted soldiers when they falter on the front lines. (The same strategy should be adopted by parents.) Instead of committing every ounce of their energy and every second of their time to the business of living, holding nothing in reserve for the challenge of the century.” (The New Strong-Willed Child, p. 217, 2004).

Many mothers plan to go back to work or step up their career when their children enter adolescence.  Although each family is different and there are exceptions, mothers idealistically believe that the heavy demands of babyhood and preschoolers “will end magically when they get their youngest in school. In reality, the teen years will generate as much pressure on them as the preschool era did” This is a “classic example” that many parents make.

“An adolescent turns the house upside down, literally and figuratively. Not only is the typical rebellion of those years an extremely stressful experience, but the chauffeuring, supervising, cooking and cleaning required to support an adolescent can be exhausting. Someone within the family must reserve the energy to cope with these challenges. Mom is usually the best candidate choice. Remember too, that menopause and a man’s midlife crisis are scheduled to coincide with adolescence, which makes a wicked soup!”

“It is a wise mother who doesn’t exhaust herself at a time when so much is going on at home.”
I can choose to pursue a busy career, but the author Dr. James Dobson went on to put into words that I have a hard time describing most accurately:

“But decisions have inevitable consequences. In this case, there are biophysical forces at work that simply must be reckoned with. If, for example, 80% of a woman’s available energy in a given day is expended in getting dressed, driving to work, doing her job for 8 or 10 hours, and stopping by the grocery store on the way home – then there is only 20% left for everything else. Maintaining the family, cooking meals, cleaning the kitchen, relating to her husband, engaging in all other personal activities must be powered by that diminishing resource. It is no wonder that her batteries are spent by the end of the day. Weekends should be restful, but they are usually not. Thus, she plods through the years on her way to burnout.”

“This is my point: A woman in this situation has thrown all her troops into frontline combat. She has no reserve to call on. (Our children’s) radical highs and lows affect our mood. The noise, the messes, the complaints, the arguments, the sibling rivalry, the missed curfews, the paced floors, the wrecked cars, the failed tests, the jilted lovers, the wrong friends, the busy telephone, the slammed doors, the mean words, the tears – it’s enough to drive a rested mother crazy. But what about a career woman who already gave at the office, then came home to this chaos? Any unexpected crisis or even a minor irritant can set off a torrent of emotion. There is no reserve on which to draw (upon). Parents should save some energy with which to cope with aggravation.”

According to Dr. James Robson, “To help you through the turbulence of (raising a child), you should”:

1. Keep the schedule simple.
2. Get plenty of rest.
3. Eat nutritious food.
4. Stay on our knees.

Whether or not his advice works for you, I am thinking hard about it and analysing it critically, reassessing my own life and approach. I will share my thoughts in due course.

The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice.

(Proverbs 12:15)

Lessons I Learned from My Grandmothers

This picture of granny and me was taken on a ferry trip to Kushu Island.

Whenever I see Milo in the Singapore Supermarket or drink Milo, I will think of my grannny. I stayed with her during the school holidays when I was a child. Once I was hungry at night. She got up and made me a cup of Milo. A very simple gesture, but I remembered it so well, the whole scene.

When I think of making memories with my child and my grandchild, I think I have learned something from both my grannies. Taking care of the child is what a child will remember, and what really created bonding. Don't delegate diaper changing, feeding, etc. to others such as maids. Do it myself. Don't just play with children and do the fun things. It is meeting the physical needs that bonding takes place.

God in His wisdom created babies totally helpless with every need. I think it is because in meeting a baby and a child's physical needs, real bonding and gratitude takes place.

My grannies took care of me. That bonded me to them. This is something I want to bear in mind, if I one day I become a grandmother.

Cost-&-Benefit Analysis of FTWM vs. SAHM

The following are the advantages and disadvantages of FTWM and SAHM in my context.

Advantages of FTWM:
1. I stay in-touch with the latest cutting edge technology
2. I keep the employer contribution's part of my pension, which is 2:1 of what I am contributing, which I will lose if I am in less than 15 years of service. If I quit, this means that I am losing my hard-earned savings for the past 8 years!!!
3. I reduce the pressure off Daddy from being the sore bread-winner of the family and spread the risk in different baskets.
4. I get a break from being a 24/7 mom.
5. J gets exposed to other adults other than just me.
6. I learn to become highly efficient and productive with the limited time I have, which I might take it easy and waste it anyway if I am SAHM.
7. I have a decent income and can buy expensive educational toys without batting an eyelid.
8. I have a professional network, apart from being a mom (which ironically I currently have no time to spend with).
9. I have a job that others envy.
10. I gain respect from the Danish community, my in-laws and family.

Disadvantages of FTWM:
1. I am not there in the daily life of J, taking long walk, making meals for him, teaching him how to tie shoelaces, smelling the roses, watching ants, chatting, etc. etc. without watching my watch.
2. I am always juggling and in JIT survival mode.

Advantages of SAHM:
1. With more time, I can be a better mom, a better wife, a better daughter and a better friend.
2. I can be there for J during his childhood taking long walk, making meals for him, teaching him how to tie shoelaces, smelling the roses, watching ants, chatting, etc. etc. without watching my watch.
3. I can have more time for the other child, I mean Daddy.
4. I am able to bring J to swimming, piano, dancing class, tennis and football.
5. I can make proper lesson plans in Maths, Science, English, Chinese, Geography and Music.
6. I can dive deep into the research that I all along would like to do in the area of parenting, child development, brain development and learn along with J in his schooling.
7. I have more time to attend to home management.
8. I have more time to plan our vacation (but maybe no more excess money for vacation, and thus no need to plan vacation anymore)
9. I have more time to exercise.
10. I can attend to my parents and family in Singapore on a more frequent basis.
11. I don't have to bring home problems from the workplace.

Disadvantages of SAHM:
1. I might drive J nuts with my presence (read: expectations), if I am home with him.
2. Loss of income and my pension for the last 8 years.
3. I become part of the Danish unemployed statistics (even though being a mom is a 24/7 employment - just thankless and unpaid!!!) and have to brave myself from such self-esteem blows.
4. I have not much professional insights to talk about at cocktail and dinner parties (but then again, my profession is a mom, so what if that topic bores others to death, it is just their loss!)
5. The longer I am away from the work market, the harder it is to re-enter it. I may will have to accept this fact.
6. Our famiy will be more vulnerable in the changing globalization work market, as there is just one sole bread-winner.

Yes, now I have done my Cost-&-Benefit Analysis (CBA), but what is the conclusion?

There is no right or wrong choice. Every family's situation is different. Every person is different. It depends on what we value, as we all value different things in life. It also depends on what we find passionate about. For some moms, it will actually do their children good, if they go to work.

It all sounds so good on paper, the C&B analysis for FTWM, and it seems that it gives the best of both worlds, and it is doable. Having your cake and eat it. I am in the situation now, and how do I feel? I have all the advantages of FTWM now, but I don't get the feeling of fulfillment, but the feeling that I am short-changing things, short-changing everything.

If I do well at work, I slacken my standards at home. If I do well at home, I slacken my standards with my marriage. If I do well with my marriage, I slacken my standards with J. If I do well with J, I slacken my standards at work (and even then I can proudly say that I am still more productive than many in the quality of work I produce). If I do well in all, I fall sick from the lack of sleep. (Ok, I hear you, that I should lower down my standards in all areas- work, family, marriage, parenting and being a mom)

I am constantly going on a merry-go-round - making ít overall well and good. Looking very good indeed really, but who can see my inner struggles, my longing to be more with J, more time for Daddy, more time for my mum in Singapore, more time for my loved ones, more time to pursue my interests. The world only looks at the success outside. I seriously wonder how many FTWMs out there are really honest, especially those FTWMs blogs that I read, who seem to be able to have it all. Perhaps I am just not capable enough as a FTWM, and thus I stand at cross-road and have to make a choice.

FTWM looks like an intelligent choice, but SAHM allows me to spend time with people - both loved ones and people in need. To be there.

How I want to be remembered by J when he grows up and thinks back of his childhood and the things we did together as well as the things I did for him?

Providing a driver to bring J to activities or doing this personally?
Providing a maid to cook for J and us or cooking meals myself?
Providing a maid to clean for J, or teaching him how to clean and doing it together and leading a normal life?

At this point, I don't envy the royalty. They don't get a chance to live a normal life. They don't get a chance to raise their own kids, at least not in the olden days. Their pincelings are raised by others. Come to think of it - aren't all of us today modern day royalty, as we have all delegated our child-raising and practical life chores to maids, especially in Singapore? That's not what I want. I want to do these normal things myself, with my child, and through it grow together with my child. I don't get to do all this in a posh office - my royal palace.

When the journey's end, what's important? People isn't it?

Now that I have done my CBA, I am no more wiser than before.

If I follow my head, I will choose FTWM.
If I follow my heart, I will choose SAHM.

I will park my CBA here, ponder over it and come back to update it.

I will pray for God's wisdom to know what's best for my family and myself as a mom.

Here are some experiences from other mothers:
http://www.hellobee.com/2011/12/05/role-play/
http://homeschoolingsonshine.blogspot.dk/search?q=stay+at+home
http://theplayfulparents.com/playful-parent-sarah/
http://ingspirations.com/2010/05/20/why-i-stay-home/
http://www.loveourchildrennow.sg/2011/12/11/whyforth-art-thou-a-sahm/
http://ourlittlesmarties.com/2009/08/5-great-things-about-working-motherhood/
http://www.mamaworkinprogress.com/2013/06/looking-back-on-stay-at-home-motherhood.html
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/grown-and-flown/why-i-regret-being-a-stay-at-home-mom_b_3402691.html

Thinking-Out-Loud

Someone said to me that as moms, we should also have time apart from being a mom and have our own time and our own life to pursue our hobbies and leisure. According to her, it is so nice that she is going to work and time at work is an escape from being a mom for a moment. That's very good for her. She has found her balance.

I think hard about it. That's very true. We need to have time to pursuit our own hobbies, passion and leisure. I have to be true to myself.

If so, I will have to be a SAHM.

Precisely so that I can have my own time and my own life. And that is what I want for my time and for my life. Because stripping to the core, my passion, hobby and what I find most engaging is - being a mom.

If I could choose to pursue my next level of professional development, what subject specialization would I choose? It will be a PhD. And I will choose to do a PhD in parenting, child development and child psychology. I will choose to do a PhD in being a mom. Incidentally, this is also how I tagline my blog three years ago - Acquiring a life-long PhD in cross-cultural home-making.

That is really what I really want to do, if I have a choice, yet it is such a difficult choice. It is hard to serve two masters.

If I may be allowed to borrow from the Bible:

"No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money." - Matthew 6:24

I love my job very much, and I am passionate about my work. It is hard to devote myself to the service of more than one. I want to give my whole heart to being a mom, but my energy is divided as a FTWM. It is hard to switch off from working on exciting projects and to come home on time. It is of course a matter of discipline, and I need to improve on it.

Do I have the courage to follow my heart to pursue the one true thing in my life that I want to do?

I am still thinking...