It has been 8 months, since you left us.
When I pray to God on my days off, I will think of you and miss you. I will ask God to help me to give you a hug. Can you feel the hug from me from up there in heaven, dear Pa?
I still have regrets. I take my regrets and sorrows to God. I cry out to God.
I wish I can bring you back to life and tell you that I appreciated you as my father, pa.
I remember when you visited us in Copenhagen, you saw Mr. FECS spending time with J, so cozy and warm, and you said that in your next life, you wish that Mr. FECS would be your father. I smiled, but I didn't say anything. I know you really mean it and also wished that you had such a father. I wished I hadn't kept quiet, but that I had told you that I would not choose anyone else to be my father, but you.
I know you didn't have such experience from your own father. You also didn't have such experience with us. You were too busy working to make ends' meet.
Such is the irony of life. The rich prioritize career and business to make more money. The poor had to prioritize career and business to make more money. No one has much time to spend with the children. So I asked God to help me to have the courage to sincerely pray that He will give us neither riches nor poverty, but just enough so that we can have a balanced life.
I wished I could turn back time, so that I could sit on your lap as a 5 year old girl. That you will spend time with me, tell me stories, play with me, do homework with me. But we are all grown, and I could not turn back time. But still, pa, I will still choose you as my father and no one else. I wished I have told you, before you were gone. If only I could turn back time...
Because of the lack of your presence in my childhood years, I was a very shy and insecure child, lacking self-esteem, self-confidence and self-worth. As a child, I wished that I have a different set of parents. But I no longer wished that. God used such situation for good. I got to know God personally at a very young age. God became my Heavenly Father. He thought me life values. I didn't grow up delinquent. God sent Uncle L to bring me to church. I had the most wonderful swimming coach, who brought us out to Wendy's after swimming lesson. God brought us Aunt M, who brought us out in the weekends. When I struggled with my shyness during my junior college days, God brought me J to encourage me. God brought me to Youth-For-Christ, where I got to know many talented, kind and wonderful youths. God taught me intimately His Word in the Bible through J. I am forever grateful to these people. Today, I would not wish to have anyone else as my father except you. I wish I could bring you back to life to seek your forgiveness.
I regretted not doing more to manage your health and nutrition. We bought a soup-cooker, pa, and we make fresh tomato soup, broccoli soup, carrot soup, etc. all from natural ingredients. I thought of you, pa. Ma also thought of you. Ma said pa didn't get to taste this soup. It will be very easy for you to swallow and digest them. If only I could make those nutritious soups for you, perhaps, your health will extend and you would have lived longer. I regretted not doing more to take care of you. If only I could turn back time...
No, I don't blame God for taking you away so suddenly. God knows best. It could also be that that was what you want. You were afraid to go for dialysis. You were afraid to burden us.
But pa, I regretted those things I did not do, while you were still here with us.
I don't think I will ever get over death. But I am comforted that we humans have hope. Although we will all face death on earth, God has conquered death, and we will have eternal life in heaven.
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." - John 3:16
"Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God." - John 1:12
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