Sunday 16 March 2014


Reflection: Starting Over & Over Again

I lost my cool and snapped at J over this and this - the two expectations of utmost importance to an Asian mom (as you can probably guessed). I told him that I was utterly disappointed in him, stopped short of using the word s*****

It was too much for me. I saw no way out. I needed to give myself a time-out. I left the dinning table and went upstairs... and sulk.

Self-pity overtook me and negative thoughts spiralled me down.

Why am I doing so much? I am tired and weary. I started to complain and calculate.

With whatever bit of sheer will power left, I forced myself to stop this negative thought. I dragged my feet into the bedroom, looked up into the sky, kneeled before the Lord beside the bed, opened my Bible and prayed. I turned to Proverbs 31: 10-31 and read it again.

I told God, "God, I can't accept this and this about J."

"God, I don't want to give anymore."

"God, the other mothers have it easier."

Then my thoughts returned to the dining table. Leaving the dinning table just like that, a mommy behaving like a immature disrespectful little girl.

I was upset with J for not being respectful, and yet ironically I countered it with an equal dose disrespect myself - disrespect for dinner time!!! What kind of a mom am I???

Surely no one can be a worse mom than me. NO ONE. Totally childish.

A feeling of worthlessness and hopelessness crept in.

But God said to me, "I still love you inspite of your childish behavior. So, will you still love J if he does not measure up?"

There and there I evaluated over my conditional love for J and felt ashamed of it.

I paused.

I said, "Yes God, I will still hold him in my arms unconditionally."

God's unconditional love and His forgiveness for my sins yet once again. Yet once again, He took away my guilt, allowing me to try again..

I need to erase my mistakes, just as God erases my mistakes, stop the negative thoughts and have the courage to try again.

J came upstairs. He said sorry to me. He said he will try again. I asked for his forgiveness. He forgave me instantly. And my Significant Other, he has forgiven me and given me a lot of good advice that enable me to try again.

"But God, I have done emotional damage with my outburst on J earlier."

How can I start over?

Tonight God showed me these verses from the Bible. It spoke directly to my heart just as I needed it.

"He will tend his flock like a shepherd;
he will gather the lambs in his arms;
he will carry them in his bosom,
and gently lead those that are with young."
- Isaiah 40:11

With my many weaknesses, I could probably cause much emotional damage. With my many flaws, I could probably teach J a lot of wrong things and bad behavior.

Where does my hope come from?

My only hope is in God.

That He would replace the negative thoughts with His wisdom. That He would cover J over all the mistakes that I have made and will be making.

The last line of the verse - "gently lead those what are with young" helps me to rest in Him. Yes, God leads me gently.

"He leads the mommies gently," in the words of a fellow mom whose reflection I read. And in the following words of that fellow mom that brought me great comfort:

"With the tired, he is gentle.
With the worried, he is gentle.
With the guilty, he is gentle.
With the frightened, he is gentle.
With the little ones over which we worry, he is gentle."

Seeing what I have done in my bad moment, you know you can't be a worse mommy than me.

If God can forgive me and lead me gently to try again, He can forgive you, lead you gently and enable you to try again too.

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